|In an astonishing series of events, a sixty-six-year-old ex-con from Louisville, Kentucky has filed a lawsuit against all time boxing great Muhammad Ali, asking for five percent of the ex-champions total ring earnings. "I'm being generous," exclaimed Alvin|
“Crazy Bird Legs” Johnson, who has just been released from the Luther Luckett Correctional Complex after serving sixteen years for robbing an ice cream store in Frankfort, KY. "I ain't suing him for his total earnings, just what he earned in the ring." When asked what prompted this lawsuit, Johnson continued, "I stole his bike that day at the Service Club. If it wasn't for me, he wouldn't have started boxing and wouldn't be “The Greatest.’ That punk owes me and I want paying. A manager makes twenty-five percent and a trainer earns ten percent. I'm only asking for five percent. Show me the money!"
For those of you not familiar with the Ali story, here are the details. In October 1954, young Cassius Clay had his new bike stolen at the Louisville Service Club on Fourth and York streets, at the annual convention in Louisville. An angry Clay went in search of a policeman to report the crime, repeating "I'm gonna whup whoever stole it," over and over. Cassius was directed down into the basement of the building where Joe Martin, a policeman and boxing trainer, was at the Colombia Gym. Martin told Clay that if he wanted to whup anyone, he had better learn how to fight first. The rest, as they say, is history as Clay, who later became Ali, went on to become the most famous sportsman in the world, winning multiple world heavyweight title fights and broadening the sports' image around the world.
"He would have probably been a sign-writer like his Papa if I hadn't stole his bike," roared Alvin, who is staying at his niece's house after his latest release and has spent forty-two of the last fifty years incarcerated, "And he would have only made about $10,000 a year instead of all them millions. HE OWES ME!" Said Johnson, taking a gulp from a bottle wrapped inside a brown paper bag.
Brown’s criminal career stretches back since childhood and he has been arrested over forty-eight times for various crimes including "Drunk and in Charge of a Tractor," multiple "Theft" charges and "Being a Public Eyesore." His latest stint in jail came from June 1988, when Alvin, who had been drinking at an all night craps game, held up the "I Scream With Joy" Ice Cream Parlor and made away with two tubs of Double, Double Chocolate Chip before being arrested four blocks away, hiding behind a gas station having already consumed the majority of his heist.
"They only locked me up for sixteen years because that chocolate gave me diarrhea and I crapped myself in the cell." bellowed an outraged Johnson, "I want what's mine and I aim to get it."
A spokesperson for Muhammad Ali refused to comment.
Note. The above story is complete and utter fabrication.
Jonny Townsend can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org