Gotta say I enjoyed this one lol

Originally Posted by yvonne

Always respect the ladies my male friends.You cant live without a lady in your life.Women should be worshiped for the godness stature their are!!We were all born women you know.The first 6weeks of concievement we all are born as a female,soo just keep that in mind.Respect the ladies

You stupid bicth Yvonne.

Originally Posted by Andre

Originally Posted by yvonne

Always respect the ladies my male friends.You cant live without a lady in your life.Women should be worshiped for the godness stature their are!!We were all born women you know.The first 6weeks of concievement we all are born as a female,soo just keep that in mind.Respect the ladies

You stupid bicth Yvonne.

Ha,ha,haYou know im right"Life's a bitch and then you marry one!!!"lol

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE (??)

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:




FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.










PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.



They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.










TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated










HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.










SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.










WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.










TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.










EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.










HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.










THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it wouldbe male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

Originally Posted by X

Things You Learn From Watching Porn

When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the ass.

Pigtails = handlebars.

These ones are true in most cases.

I Love and respect women very much. Who's going to cook my dinner and give me some sweet loving.

Eighty-Nine things a woman can't do: (and counting)

1. Know anything about a car except its colour.
2. Understand a film plot.
3. Go 24 hours without sending a text message.
4. Lift.
5. Throw.
6. Run.
7. Park.
8. Fart.
9. Read a map.
10. Rob a bank.
11. Resist Ikea.
12. Sit still.
13. Tell a joke.
14. Play pool.
15. Pay for dinner.
16. Eat a kebab whilst walking.
17. Pee out of a train window.
18. Argue without shouting.
19. Get told off without crying.
20. Understand fruit machines.
21. Walk past a shoe shop.
22. Make a decent bacon sandwich.
23. Not comment on strangers clothes.
24. Use small amounts of toilet paper.
25. Let you sleep with a hangover.
26. Drink a pint gracefully.
27. Get a round in.
28. Throw a punch.
29. Do magic.
30. Like your friends.
31. Enjoy porn.
32. Eat a really hot curry.
33. Get to the point.
34. Buy plain envelopes.
35. Take less than 20 minutes in the toilet.
36. Sit in a room for five minutes without saying "I'm cold."
37. Go shopping without phoning 20 mates.
38. Avoid credit card debt.
39. Dive into a pool.
40. Assemble furniture.
41. Roll a bogey between finger and thumb
42. Set a video recorder.
43. Not try and change you.
44. Watch a war film.
45. Understand why flirting results in violence.
46. Spend a day by themselves.
47. Go to the toilet by themselves.
48. Buy a purse that fits in their pocket.
49. Choose a video quickly.
50. Conserve electricity, water or any other form of energy.
51. Admit they are wrong.
52. Not try and undermine you.
53. Let you make your own decisions.
54. Agree with you.
55. Use common sense.
56. Make a major change to the world for the better with an invention.
57. Construct a floor plan.
58. Remember something that isn't for them.
59. Win something.
60. Walk out of a store with stuff they didn't plan to get before they walked in there.
61. Get something done right the first time.
62. Call anyone 'mate'.
63. Stay in the Kitchen.
64. Stay quiet for longer than one minute.
65. Find Madeleine McCann.
66. Cook.
67. Stop making their husbands lives hell.
68. Get married and still give a blowjob.
69. Have their money ready before they get on the bus.
70. Clean out a tropical fish tank.
71. Get ready in the morning without making a racket.
72. Choose suitable footwear.
73. Post lists and pretend they're jokes.
74. Compliment other women.
75. Find your mates are good company for you.
76. Take it up the arse without moaning about it beforehand.
77. Open a jar.
78. Ask you to open a jar without then making a comment such as 'I loosened it for you'.
79. Keep track of something and not lose it.
80. Listen.
81. Make a right decision other than having sex with you.
82. Be the best.
83. Win five Olympic gold medals without steroids.
84. Interact with anyone they haven't known for at least a year.
85. Light farts.
86. Get this far without having argued with at least 1 of the above.
87. Drive.
88. Find a way out of a cellar.
89. Find your car keys.

You're hanging about with the wrong women.

This thread is genius

Why do people make snowmen?

It takes too much time and effort to hollow out the head of a snow-woman.

Originally Posted by Sharla

Originally Posted by X

Things You Learn From Watching Porn

Women wear high heels to bed.

Men are never impotent.

When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he fucks her.

Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with spunk.

Women enjoy having sex with ugly middle-aged men.

Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blow job.

Women always orgasm when men do.

A blow job will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.

All women are noisy fucks.

People in the 70's couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.

Those tits are real.

A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.

Men always groan 'OH YEAH' when they cum.
If there is two of them they 'high five' each other. (and the girl isn't disgusted!)

Double penetration makes women smile.

Asian men don't exist.

If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.

There's a plot.

When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the ass.

Nurses suck patients cocks.

Men always pull out.

When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking both of you.

Women never have headaches.

When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to 'suck it'

Assholes are clean.

A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.

Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's pants and find a cock there.

Men don't have to beg.

When standing during a blow job, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.

Pigtails = handlebars.

Oh No X - You have single handedly smashed my dreams of ever becoming a "real girl/woman".

I just don't think I can live up to such monumental examples of complete selfishlessness.

Alas I will have to instead just live with comments from my male teammates such as "look at her she's a little dude" and take seriously sparring tips often yelled out mid round such as "Sharla your left nut is hanging out".

I will sit here for a while and contemplate just how messed up I really am! :P

lmao! omg thats really funny, do they really shout stuff like that?

If women think they aren't meant to cook, then why do they have milk and eggs inside them?

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. And having to go to court

Tips on how to masturbate;

If you're a girl

1) Get something small if it's your first time, like a lip gloss container. Make sure it's got a rounded tip.
2) Put a little water on it.
3) Get yourself on the ground or your bed. Make sure you're comfortable.
4) Put your feet up on something. Make sure they are higher than your head. Spread your legs.
5) For the ultimate experience, relax first. Just lay there. Think about nothing. And DONT BE NERVOUS.
6) Slowly begin to touch your breasts. Feel them (have your eyes closed or open but if they are open make sure you're not focusing on anything)
7) Keep one hand on your breast and slowly move the other one down to your thigh. (I did not have underwear but I was wearing pants and a shirt, loose pants.) Move your hand up and down your thigh while massaging your breast.
With your breast hand, slowly take the lip gloss container or your object of choice. Your clit might start to get a weird feeling like you really want to touch it. DON'T.
9) Tease yourself with the object by gently rubbing the spot between your poophole and vagina. This will drive you nuts. Slowly begin to touch and massage the part right above the hole. (I suggest you know where it is before you start all this.)
10) Rub for a while. Gently, occasionally harder but not too hard yet.
11) At this point you should be aching to rub harder and just get going. Again, don't. If you do not feel this yet, continue the teasing, very gently.
12) Slowly move your fingers to the hole, don't put them in, but just finger it softly.
13) Take your object and place it near the hole and your other hand. Take your free hand off the hole and start to massage your clit harder. (That's the spot above the hole)
14) Slowly stick the object in. Gently, it shouldn't feel good yet. It might hurt a small amount going in. That means you've bumped a sensitive spot. That's not a bad thing, just angle it a little and keep going.
15) Once it's in as far as it can be without losing it to your pussy, begin slowly moving it in and out a little. Don't take it all the way out, just a little. Get faster, and faster. Start massaging your clit HARD. Go nuts. You might feel like your on the brink of an orgasm. You might have one. This feels very good.
16) Then stick it in all the way and start pushing it back and forth hitting the sides of your hole. Faster, faster. Massage clit again.
17) Repeat steps 15 and 16 as much as you want. If you take it out for longer than 30 seconds, I suggest you excite yourself again with the teasing. If you do, it will be worse. Since you have already done it, you're going to want it worse.
1 I would stop with the lip gloss for now, don't go on to something bigger. Save that for another night. You could be sore after this but you shouldn't be unless you used something large.

If you're a boy

1)Read this.
2) Rub penis