To all females at Saddo's

X · #1 (**permalink**) 02-14-2008, 08:42 PM

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire
long after hypothermia, or heat stroke, has set in.
The RAC or AA is not an option. I will get in.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the
hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at.
If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be
able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and
everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer and
break wind as a form of Holy Communion.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup
and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You
never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at
the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items
like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And
never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which
"feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
( F.Y.I. guys cumin is a spice and not a bodily function).

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will
insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me
twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back
together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss an entire
show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a
calculator)...applies to engineers mainly.

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.
The answer is always either s*x, cars or sport. I have to make up
something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your
mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her
any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay;
I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my
mother too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.
Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't...and if you
are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember
the name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what
you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair ofshoes is
fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You
look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2008, I will share
equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the
cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...
like looking for my socks, or wandering around in the garden with a beer
wondering what to do.

This has been a public service message for Women to better understand

Men...the above might seem like a joke. But it's not...........

Canvasback · #2 (**permalink**) 02-14-2008, 10:42 PM

You left out leaving the seat down when you go to take a pee.

Sharla · #3 (**permalink**) 02-15-2008, 01:54 AM

X I appreciated your public service announcement.

I will in future scatter socks owned by men in various places around the house so that they can fulfill their housework duties.

I'm thinking the fridge next to the beer, the couch in between the cushions where the reomote control might fall and under the car bonnet.

I'm also thinking I'll keep a few calculators close to the couch so if the remote goes missing back ups are ready.

I'll put the RAA (what we have for car trouble here) on speed dial under the name of your favourite phone sex line so when you've given up fixing the car but still won't call for help you might call anyway.

I now feel so much more prepared to deal with members of the opposite gender.

However, Piss on my toilet seat without cleaning it up and you're in BIG TROUBLE

X · #4 (**permalink**) 02-16-2008, 04:53 PM

INTERNATIONAL RULES OF MANHOOD 2008

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at
rugby, and your hot dogs are getting wet, then, for the eating period
only, it is permissible.

2.. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game"
e. When she is using her teeth.

3. Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
eaten by his mates

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out
of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
However you can complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.

9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may
ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
playing.

10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought
her to climax. If you intentionally trap her head under the covers for
the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel..and it's free.

12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick another bloke in the nuts.

13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or
LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

WARNING be aware of women who drink as much beer as we do (Trust ME!!!)

17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.

18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both - that's just greedy.

19. If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.

20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours,
except if she's withholding S*x pending your response.

21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e.
Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an
almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have S*x with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.

24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal 'drunken monkey S*x', the fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the
discussion about what a big mistake it was, occurs.

25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
her to drive yours. I.E. buy her car frist

26. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, orange or
sky blue.

27. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!"
gets a Playstation 3. End of story..

28. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

Julius Rain · #5 (**permalink**) 02-16-2008, 06:37 PM

Ice skating and mens gymnastic heh heh heh what is that, julius rain has never watch such things

Sharla · #6 (**permalink**) 02-17-2008, 07:05 AM

Sharla · #7 (**permalink**) 02-17-2008, 07:06 AM

Sharla · #8 (**permalink**) 02-17-2008, 07:08 AM

I gathered from your first post that you might be an engineer so I thought you might appreciate these x.

Mum emailed them to me - they might be slightly sexist but at least 80 % true which makes it funny......

katfight · #9 (**permalink**) 02-17-2008, 10:37 AM

haha X those really are true lol

PRIDE OF BOSTON · #10 (**permalink**) 02-19-2008, 06:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sharla

LOL, that's great... See, though I think the price for women is correct but the time is more close to 6 hours...

X · #11 (**permalink**) 02-19-2008, 07:33 PM

If Men Wrote Problem Pages...

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing - your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.
A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

X · #12 (**permalink**) 02-19-2008, 07:42 PM

What's long and hard and makes women groan?

An Ironing Board.

Sharla · #13 (**permalink**) 02-20-2008, 01:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PRIDE OF BOSTON

LOL, that's great... See, though I think the price for women is correct but the time is more close to 6 hours...

Yeah I think you're right there. I'll go shopping not thinking I'll spend a lot of money but some bizarre need to look until I've seen everything within a 10 km radius overtakes me.

That's one reason I end up spending a little more than I intended - I need to buy breakfast, lunch, 2nd lunch, afternoon tea, dinner, refreshments and several caffienated drinks to keep me going.

Sharla · #14 (**permalink**) 02-20-2008, 01:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by X

What's long and hard and makes women groan?

An Ironing Board.

Yes Ironing sucks. This is the real reason I must spend 6 hours shopping.

I'm not interested in buying clothes that require ironing. Hence it become neccessary to look longer, not only for things you'll buy today but any time within the next millenium.

I must do this almost every weekend to ensure you I the best possible low effort clothing (among other things) at a bargain price - or at least reduced even if the manufacturer is still charging about 20 X it cost to supply.

It's perfectly reasonable really

Trainer Monkey · #15 (**permalink**) 02-25-2008, 05:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sharla

Oddly Feur shops just like me
I want something sold at point A)
I go to point A)
I buy what I came here for
I leave
We actually have a stradegy she puts me in front,and the gawkers MOVE THEIR ASSES OUT OF MY WAY
Apparantly I get a look on my face that you could weld steel with
Though the two places I will take forever in is a record store,and a book store,she'll actually get exasperated with me in a record store