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I still have very little trouble listing off the linear heavyweight champions all the way back to John L. Sullivan. Sullivan, James J. Corbett, Bob Fitzsimmons, Jim Jeffries, Marvin Hart, Tommy Burns, Jack Johnson, Jess Willard, Jack Dempsey, Gene Tunney, Max Schmeling, Jack Sharkey, Primo Carnera, Max Baer, James Braddock, Joe Louis, Ezzard Charles, Joe Walcott, Rocky Marciano, Floyd Patterson, Ingemar Johansson, Floyd Patterson, Sonny Liston, Cassius Clay, Joe Frazier, George Foreman, Muhammad Ali, Leon Spinks, Muhammad Ali, Larry Holmes, Michael Spinks, Mike Tyson, Buster Douglas, Evander Holyfield, Michael Moorer, George Foreman, Stiffy McGee, Strom Thurmond, Felipe Fantastico, Lennox Lewis and Glass Joe.
OK, it gets a little shaky after Foreman’s second tenure. I am thinking that Shannon Briggs and Frans Botha may somehow be in there, but it really just sort of becomes a blur of crap heavyweights after a while. It used to be so much simpler. Back in the day, if you beat the champion, you became the champion and stayed that way until you were defeated in the ring. Sure, Dempsey sat on the title for two years and avoided all non-white competition. But, hey, it was the 1920’s, nobody wanted to be fighting, anyway.
Fast forward to 2005, and you get to be heavyweight champion for repeatedly losing to middleweights and eking out tedious decisions over nobodies. What a unique and stupid time to be alive, if you are a boxing fan. Currently, there is this boxer out there who is single-handedly making a mockery of all things we boxing fans hold sacred. He is a boxer who would be quickly knocked out by any of the aforementioned champions, including Strom Thurmond (dead racist politician) and Glass Joe (fictional, video-game loser).
I refuse to name this fighter, by the way. I would feel like I was tossing matches into the Amazon. Why add to an already bad situation? So, to avoid contributing to the carnage, lets just call him Flub Crapsky. So anyway, Ol’ Flub managed to become the first and second heavyweight titlist in about a century to lose his belt to a former middleweight. Yet, somehow, he’s still considered a champion. James Toney could have been flying on steroids imported from the distant future, and it is still inconceivable that anyone would deign to re-instate Flub as the title-holder. The word “champion” has forever been diminished.
And yes, I understand the immense emotional turmoil that Flub goes through when people from around the globe mention him in the same breath as famine (though to be fair to famine, it accomplishes a lot more). But I just don’t care, nor should I, or anyone for that matter. The guy has somehow pocketed away millions after being destroyed by David Tua in, like, four nano-seconds. Yes, the same David Tua who battered Lewis’ left jab with his face for twelve-rounds. The same Tua that Crapsky avoids like a combination.
This really isn’t even a column anymore, people. It’s a plea for help. Please stop watching Flub Crapsky. If the Lord Almighty came down and challenged Crapsky in a pay-per-view event with promises of enlightenment for all purchasers, I still am adamant about not watching. You are just going to have to trust me on this one. Personally, I’d want no part of viewing Flub clinch with the Creator for twelve rounds, and somehow being given a majority draw for the work.
The linear heavyweight championship used to mean something. Now that the line has become a circle, it’s up to us boxing lovers to fix it. Ignore Flub Crapsky, people. It will help set everything straight again.
