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A Pugilist Political Message from the New WBO Heavyweight Champion of the World, Shannon “The Cannon’” Briggs
I don’t have a Ph.D. I barely made it through high school. But I must agree with Dr. Wladimir Klitschko when he says there should only be one world heavyweight boxing champion.
That makes all the sense in the world. But maybe Klitschko didn’t get Saturday night’s late fight result from Chase Field in Phoenix, where I dramatically separated WBO champ Sergei “White Wolf” Liakhovich from his senses. I tried to knock the rugged Belarusian out in the fifth row at ringside but he only flew as far as the timekeeper’s table. I am just glad he did not get seriously hurt; he’s a tough customer and he will bounce back. It was a great KO and it came with one second left in the bout.
There is a new sheriff in town in the heavyweight ranks, and his name is Shannon Briggs. There is one world heavyweight champion and, putting my usual Brooklyn modesty aside, when I look in the mirror I see him.
But talk is cheap. I will prove that I am THE MAN in the ring. With the expert guidance of my great promoter, Don King, and my wonderful manager, Scott Hirsch, and my training team headed by Chuck McGregor, I plan on capturing the other three title belts and becoming the undisputed heavyweight champion.
I know tomorrow is Election Day all across America and, as the only American holding a world heavyweight title belt, I do not care about Democrats, Republicans or Republicrats, either. I aim to make all of America’s boxing fans into “Briggsocrats.”
You may know I thought when I tinkled with Shelly Finkel, that I would be challenging Klitschko Nov. 11. But Dr. Evil, as I call him, let me twist in the wind, and manager Hirsch and I went to Mr. King who rescued us. I would’ve knocked out Klitschko, and I will knock Klitschko. Even his
trainer, Manny Steward (who is smarter than your average Ph.D) knows that. Google his quotes about me and that is 100 percent verified.
So, dear voters and fellow Americans, I pledge to you that I will kill Klitschko, that I will vanquish the so-called “Russian Giant” Nikolai Valuev and that I mangle Oleg Maskaev.
The Russian domination of the heavyweight title is finis, over and done. I am The Great Black Hope, made in Brooklyn, U.S.A., and I am definitely in the heavyweight title house.
As you go to the pugilistic polls, fans, take your ballot and vote the straight Briggs ticket. Briggs for undisputed heavyweight champion. I gave you some thrills in that 12th and final round against White Wolfie, and I promise more against these other pretenders to the throne.
“Underachiever.” “Asthmatic.” “Excuse-maker and fistic faker.” My opponents and some other haters have called me all of those things. I love it. I told you I was the Black Hope, the American Hope, and I delivered on my first campaign promise.
The best is yet to come. Thanks to all of my loyal supporters and I can’t wait to see all my friends and family in New Jersey, New York and South Florida. We will party and then I go back on the campaign trail. One belt down and three to go.
I want you to elect me, your humble servant Shannon Briggs, to put the red, the white and the blue on all four belts. Vote for me and I will knock them all out.
I remain, Shannon “The Cannon” Briggs, and I approved this message.
