Thread: VERY VERY FUNNY COOL ARTICLE ON HASIM RAHMAN

The guy who wrote this is a genius, genius!!!

Rahman, and the road back

by James "Uncle Spunk" Hughes

Lennox Lewis has two losses on his record. One was to “The Atomic Bull” Oliver McCall, and the other is to “The Rock” Hasim Rahman. The loss in South Africa to the Rock was by far the most definitive loss. When McCall scored the knockout, Lewis was on his feet and arguing with the ref. Knowing what we know now, it is plausible that Lennox Lewis may have been able to continue. He does have heart and will fight back when he’s in trouble. There was no fighting back when he lost to Rahman, as he lay there on the canvas looking up at the lights. Rahman had won the world heavyweight title by a crushing knockout. He was the heavyweight champion of the world and a charismatic one at that.


After the loss to Rahman, Lennox Lewis forced a rematch. Rahman had other plans. He wanted to fight Brian Neilson. He kept on screaming in the court hearing: “I wanna fight the fat guy!!! Why can’t I fight the fat guy?” Usually the first defense of the world title is optional. Riddick Bowe defended against 86 year old Michael Dokes. Evander Holyfield opted to fight George Foreman. It’s rather common for the world champion to take on a lesser opponent instead of the mandatory in their first title defense. Rahman should have been able to fight the fat guy first, but Lewis with his legal team forced a return bout. This time Lewis would be ready for that right hand of Rahman. He wouldn’t be shooting some shitty movie where he has a mock battle with the Klitschko sister. This time he would not be chubby, and he would regain the world heavyweight title and the title: “Baddest Man on the Planet.”


In the rematch, Rahman made the fatal error of just standing there with his hands up. He stunned Lewis early in the first round with a left hook, but didn’t do much after that. Lennox used his jab and reach to nullify the Rock. Rahman’s corner kept on telling their fighter just to block the punches instead of countering or trying to get inside of the reach. The Rock listened and had to have his head reattached after the fight was over. In case you haven’t seen the fight, let me tell you what happened. Hasim Rahman is just standing there in front of Lewis. Lewis winds up with all of his might and hits Rahman as hard as he can with the hardest punch in the history of boxing. For Hasim to survive and fight another day is remarkable. I thought for sure that he would be a vegetable and a prime candidate for sexual abuse. Let me give you some advice. If your Nana has lost most of her faculties, keep her out of the nursing homes. God damn, those people will do anything that moves! (Note: This is strictly for my grandmother, who is in heaven as I write this. If you are not my grandmother, please do not read: Nana, I know that you are in heaven with the angels. It’s not like it was for you here on earth, where some pervert at the nursing home was having his way. And don’t worry, I will do what you asked me to do on your death bed. I’m going down to the nursing home with a pair of scissors as we speak.)


Now that the shoe was on the other foot, Lennox Lewis would not grant Rahman a third encounter. Lewis wanted a match with Mike Tyson instead. So, what was Hasim to do? He decided to fight former champion, Evander “the real deal” Holyfield, and after sending him to the canvas, Lewis would be forced to fight him again. It didn’t work out that way. Holyfield got as close as he could and kept on ramming that bald head into Rahman’s face over and over again. What Holyfield did to the referee in the locker room before the match to stop him from disqualifying the real deal is beyond me. I have a theory, but I do not want to get sued over it. So you will never hear theSpunkman’s “BJ in the locker room” theory. Sorry. Anywho, Rahman got head from Holyfield in the ring and he didn’t react well to it. The constant banging forced the ref to stop the fight and it was actually awarded to Holyfield. He won the fight on an intentional foul!!! Hasim Rahman should have spat out his mouth piece and bit off Evander’s nose. Now, Rahman had another loss on his record and no chance of getting a third match with Lewis.


With his back to the corner, Rahman decided to pick another name fighter to box, and that man was “The Tua man” David Tua. After his victories over Fres Oquendo, and the thirty second knockout of Michael Moorer, Tua was a favorite going in. The odds in his favor grew when Rahman came into the fight at the heaviest of his career. He was on the Brian Neilson diet, it seemed. Even I, Nostraspunkus, predicted a Tua victory, but it didn’t go that way. At the end, the judges called it a draw, but the crowd and boxing public knew who the winner truly was. It was “the rock” Hasim Rahman. That draw/victory earned him a shot as WBA champion John “the quiet man” Ruiz, which would finally eliminate this boring nuisance from the heavyweight division. I was so psyched for the fight that I actually rented that horrible pay per view. I told all my pals that Rahman is going to knock out Ruiz early and then take his rightful spot as one of the best fighters in the division, if not the best. Sadly, Rahman was in “sleep walk” mode and never really established anything in that fight. The jab and grab style of Ruiz really interfered with the Rock’s game plan. The end result was a unanimous decision for Ruiz, which I still disagree with. I had it for Rahman, but it was not an impressive win by any means. I think that midway through the match, Hasim said to himself “Hey, hugging this guy isn’t that bad. It’s a pretty neat alternative to fighting.” Then if that wasn’t enough hugging, Hasim offered a hug to Ruiz after the “fight” was over. Ruiz gave him that “I don’t hug after sex” look, but hugging before, during, and after a fight is the John Ruiz tradition. It’s too late to stop it now.


Instead of fighting a “top” heavyweight, Rahman decided to take the George Foreman route and battle overmatched and/or washed up has-beens just to keep active. He’s on a four fight winning streak and has an incredible right hand. He would be dangerous to anyone he fights. Hasim Rahman has every thing that a heavyweight champion should have. He’s got power, charisma, and for the most part, fights exciting fights. His battle with Corrie Sanders comes to mind, when he was knocked down and came back to win it. And who can forget his fight with Oleg Maskaev, where he was knocked out the ring and nearly killed and then…never mind. That was a bad example, but you get the point.


The next fighter on the Rahman schedule is Kali Meehan, who is coming off the victory/decision loss to Lamon Brewster. There’s one thing that I want to note before I go into the specifics of this fight. In the match between WBO champion Lamon Brewster and the enormous challenger Kali Meehan, I was initially disgusted by Brewster’s lack of aggression. I think that he threw ten punches the entire night. How could a “heavyweight champion” actually fight like that? Last night, however, I finally figured out why he did that. “Sugar” Ray Robinson told his corner man that he was going to win a round without throwing a punch, and he did it! Lamon Brewster did him one better. He actually won a fight without throwing a punch…absolute genius. Okay, back to the Rahman-Meehan Massacre. Kali Meehan was there for the taking against Brewster, who elected not to do anything. This is a perfect opponent for the rock who will just keep throwing that right hand until Meehan falls. “TIMBER!!!” Poor Meehan doesn’t know what he’s gotten himself into. Look at the press photo. He looks terrified and confused at the same time. I don’t even think that they told him who he’s fighting on November 13th. His eyes are telling me that he’s thinking: “Please let it be Butterbean…oh please let it be Butterbean!” Sorry Meehan, it’s not the fat slob champion of the four rounders, it’s the rock.


After the destruction of poor Meehan, the Rock will probably get a shot at one of the champions. I think that his options will be: Chris Byrd, or Andrew Golota. Golota would be easy pickins for Rahman, and I believe that he would also beat Byrd. Maybe if Rahman lives up to his potential and wins the WBA, and the IBF titles, he can then go on and challenge the true champion of the division, “The Robot” Vitali Klitschko. I would be willing to bet that sooner or later, Rahman would land that right hand and that would tell the tale. I personally believe that the robot would short circuit and hit the mat, but it’s yet to be seen. Hopefully that match will occur after Rahman takes care of the line of mediocre heavies that Don King has in his stable. I think that I will end this article with some words that my father once said: “Do anything that moves, son…anything that F—king moves.” What he meant by that I believe is to challenge every obstacle in your way. I think that’s what he would say to Hasim Rahman if he had the opportunity to meet him. I just don’t know if Hasim would take a man with breast implants seriously Nostraspunkus has spoken.

"Nostraspunkus has spoken. " priceless.

Reply to this, what did you think of it, is it really good, and humorous as well.

Yeh it was quite funny except for the fact that kali is going to beat "the rock"........ well i hope.

Wha is the Rock doing these days?

I'm pissed it took me 10 mins to read it, j continued thinking any minute now, Raham is going to start calling out the A Force whilst wearing nipplerings, and sporting a prince Albert.
Thread headline title should read mildly amusing if reading from dentists waiting room

This is a truly great post right at the top of d thread by the thread starter . Pity he left and doesn't post anymore . D boy's got talent in abandon . I already miss him .