Colin McRae`s wife has taken all her money out of Northern Rock. She`s now with Scottish Widows
I've just loaded "Colin McRae's Helicopter Simulator" onto my PC, but it keeps crashing!
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
Afer a really good party, a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the three women sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The first woman replies, "I am 240 pounds, a world kickboxing champion and i'm actuly a natural blonde. My friend here is 190 pounds, a world judo champion and she's also a natural blonde. And my other friend weighs 200 pounds, used to be a world arm wrestling champion, and like me and our other friend, is a natural blonde. So, do you still want to tell me that joke?"
The man thinks for a while. "Um, no" he replies. "Not if i have to explain it three times..."
"Won't you kiss me, Doctor," asks a beautiful woman.
"No, it would be against my code of ethics," says the doctor.
"Please just one kiss," begs the woman.
"It's completely out of the question," he goes on. "I shouldn't even really be having sex with you."
A woman has been in a coma for 3 months, showing no signs of recovery.
One day, whilst giving her a bed bath, the nurse notices that there is a flicker on the monitor when they are cleaning her cunt.
The doctors send for her husband and tactfully explain the situation suggesting that he tries oral sex to see if it gets a bigger response. So the medical staff draw the curtains to give him some privacy and await developements.
After about five minutes all the monitors suddenly go berserk and they rush in to find the woman stone dead.
"What happened?" demands a doctor...
"Dunno, reckon she mighta choked" comes the reply
This prisoner escapes after 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and food, and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair and he ties the wife to the bed, and gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He's probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain and do what he tells you, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably really dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "he wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, and thought you were cute. He asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom, so I told him where to find it. Be strong, darling. I love you, too."
A man walk up to a ticket counter in Kings Cross Station.
MAN: (In a bunged-up voice) "Firt clah ticket to Nottin'am, plis."
TICKET GUY: "Sorry, sir?"
MAN: "Firt clah ticket to Nottin'am, plisss!"
TICKET GUY: (produces a packet of sweets) "You should try these, sir. New cherry menthol Tunes!"
MAN: "Why? Will they cure my Down Syndrome?"
There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.
The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."
The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"
She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."
A woman takes her german shepherd dog to the vet. She explains that every time she bends over, the dog mounts her. All she has to do is bend down to go into the freezer, pick the mail up, clean under the table, and he is there, humping away at her.
"What would you like me to do?" asks the vet. "Castrate him or put him down?"
"Oh no," says the woman, "Just cut his claws please".