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Thread: Any good jokes ????

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  1. #31
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    Default Re: Any good jokes ????

    Quote Originally Posted by Andre View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Slim the BoxingManiac View Post
    I'm a liverpool fan.

    Just kidding. I'm an American.
    Same thing.
    I had no idea.

  2. #32
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    Default Re: Any good jokes ????

    Whats Arsenal and Heather Mills got in common , the second leg is just for show .
    Champions league

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    Default Re: Any good jokes ????

    Sven-Goran Eriksson is on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire' and has reached the £1 million question.

    Chris Tarrant says,

    "Right Sven, this is for a £1 million, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.

    "Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a Set?
    "Is it. a, a badger b, a ferret c, a mole or d, a cuckoo?"

    Sven ponders for a while and says, "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure.
    I'll have to go 50-50."

    "Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with.

    'Badger' and 'Cuckoo' are the two remaining answers."

    Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says, "No, Chris, I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend."

    So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris.
    "Hmmm, I think I'll call David Beckham."

    So Tarrant phones David Beckham. "David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'.
    I've got Sven-Goran Eriksson here, and with your help he could win £1 million. The next voice you hear will be Sven's."

    "Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a set? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"

    "It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation.

    "You sure, son?" says Sven.
    "Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger.
    Definitely."

    "Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger.

    "Final answer, Sven?"

    "Final answer, Chris."

    "That's the correct answer. You've won £1 million!" Cue wild celebrations.

    Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across.
    "Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how the heck did you know that a badger lives in a set?"


    "Oh I didn't, boss..." replies Beckham, ..........
    > >
    > >"... But everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!"
    Do not let success go to your head and do not let failure get to your heart.

  4. #34
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    Default Re: Any good jokes ????

    A surgeon was operating on a man when he slips and accidently cutts off the mans balls.
    He quickly inserts 2 onions and sews his scrotum back up.
    One month later the man goes back for a check up." any problems ? " asks the surgeon.
    " a few " explains the man.
    " I cry when i piss, my wife gets heartburn after a blowjob, and i get a fucking hard on
    when i see a cheese sandwich".

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    Default Re: Any good jokes ????

    Mick goes to the doctors and says that his sex life is slipping dramatically.
    The doctor checks him out and says "you are just unfit, run 6 miles day for two weeks and then give me a call".
    He rings the doc in two weeks and the Doc asks hows his sex life is.
    Mick says "How the fec would I know, Im 85 miles from home?'
    Hidden Content " border="0" />

    I can explain it.
    But I cant understand it for you.

  6. #36
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    Default Re: Any good jokes ????

    A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while

    her Dad is reading the paper.

    "Where does poo come from?" she asks.

    The father, feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter

    is already asking difficult questions, thinks for a moment and says:

    "Well you know we just ate breakfast?"

    "Yes," answers the girl.

    "Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all

    the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums

    when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."

    The little girl looks shocked, and stares at him in stunned

    silence for a few seconds and asks

    "And Tigger?"
    Do not let success go to your head and do not let failure get to your heart.

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    Default Re: Any good jokes ????

    British Hospitality
    Ralph, a french man age 72, is visiting London for the first time. He decides to skip the afternoon tour and explore the city on his own.

    He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

    After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class neighbourhood. Big, stately residences ... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all ... no public restrooms.

    He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness beers and all that trouble with his prostate.

    Ralph finds a narrow side street with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

    As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby (policeman), who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

    "I'm very sorry, officer," replies Ralph, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

    "Ah, yes," said the bobby, "Just follow me."

    He leads him to a back delivery alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the bobbie. "Whiz away, anywhere you want."

    Ralph enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. There are manicured lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

    Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

    As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you. Is that what you call 'British hospitality'?"

    "No sir," replied the bobbie, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

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    Default Re: Any good jokes ????

    Sorry for the large font of the above post. I copied & pasted that from my e-mail and unable to downsize the font nor change the color to black. I am not even able put this statement in the above post at this size & color hence the separate post.

    Is the above post already a well-known joke in the UK?

    Btw, this post is not a joke.
    Last edited by InTheNeutralCorner; 02-29-2012 at 03:07 AM.

  9. #39
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    Default Re: Any good jokes ????

    Quote Originally Posted by InTheNeutralCorner View Post
    Sorry for the large font of the above post. I copied & pasted that from my e-mail and unable to downsize the font nor change the color to black. I am not even able put this statement in the above post at this size & color hence the separate post.

    Is the above post already a well-known joke in the UK?

    Btw, this post is not a joke.
    No it is not well known we only tell jokes that are funny.
    Remember reality is an illusion caused by a lack of alcohol .

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    Default Re: Any good jokes ????

    Quote Originally Posted by Dark Lord Al View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by InTheNeutralCorner View Post
    Sorry for the large font of the above post. I copied & pasted that from my e-mail and unable to downsize the font nor change the color to black. I am not even able put this statement in the above post at this size & color hence the separate post.

    Is the above post already a well-known joke in the UK?

    Btw, this post is not a joke.
    No it is not well known we only tell jokes that are funny.
    What if the nationalities are reversed? Would that be funny?

  11. #41
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    Default Re: Any good jokes ????

    Quote Originally Posted by InTheNeutralCorner View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Dark Lord Al View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by InTheNeutralCorner View Post
    Sorry for the large font of the above post. I copied & pasted that from my e-mail and unable to downsize the font nor change the color to black. I am not even able put this statement in the above post at this size & color hence the separate post.

    Is the above post already a well-known joke in the UK?

    Btw, this post is not a joke.
    No it is not well known we only tell jokes that are funny.
    What if the nationalities are reversed? Would that be funny?
    No we hate the French just as much as you do.
    Do not let success go to your head and do not let failure get to your heart.

  12. #42
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    Default Re: Any good jokes ????

    Quote Originally Posted by Master View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by InTheNeutralCorner View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Dark Lord Al View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by InTheNeutralCorner View Post
    Sorry for the large font of the above post. I copied & pasted that from my e-mail and unable to downsize the font nor change the color to black. I am not even able put this statement in the above post at this size & color hence the separate post.

    Is the above post already a well-known joke in the UK?

    Btw, this post is not a joke.
    No it is not well known we only tell jokes that are funny.
    What if the nationalities are reversed? Would that be funny?
    No we hate the French just as much as you do.

    I like the French joke about Pierre racing into the Gendarmes headquarters on his pushbike yelling out theres a mad man down in the fields he has murdered some poor woman and now he is making love to her.
    The Gendarme takes his bike off him and races off down through the fieids then comes back half an hour later and smacks Pierre over the head and Says "You Idiot shes not dead she is English".
    Hidden Content " border="0" />

    I can explain it.
    But I cant understand it for you.

  13. #43
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    Default Re: Any good jokes ????

    My wife told me she's leaving me because of my strange sexual need's that fine before you go
    do you mind slamming the door on my cock as you go.

  14. #44
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    Default Re: Any good jokes ????

    When I first marred the wife wife I could have ate her
    after 25 year's I wish I did.

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    Default Re: Any good jokes ????

    I didnt beleive my wife at first when she told me Davey Jones had died,
    Then i saw her face

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