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Thread: Any good jokes ????

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    Default Any good jokes ????

    United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"

    The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also
    show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has
    huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

    Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."
    "Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and
    confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six
    children."

    The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off
    again.

    "Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in
    a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a huge mortgage and
    three children, one of whom is disabled and another has learning
    disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

    The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had
    no idea."

    And the lawyer says, "So... if I didn't give any money to them, what in
    the hell makes you think I'd ever give any to you?"

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    Default re: Any good jokes ????

    CC I like that. I am in law school.....this is a good joke.
    "If there's a better chin in the world than Pryor's, it has to be on Mount Rushmore." -Pat Putnam.

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    Default re: Any good jokes ????

    Quote Originally Posted by boozeboxer View Post
    CC I like that. I am in law school.....this is a good joke.
    I'm getting ready to be in law school (hopefully) ...yes this is quite funny
    "Drown in a vat of whiskey.....death where is thy sting?" - W.C. Fields.

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    Default re: Any good jokes ????

    Quote Originally Posted by boozeboxer View Post
    CC I like that. I am in law school.....this is a good joke.
    Quote Originally Posted by Lyle View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by boozeboxer View Post
    CC I like that. I am in law school.....this is a good joke.
    I'm getting ready to be in law school (hopefully) ...yes this is quite funny
    Great. More fukking lawyers

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    Default re: Any good jokes ????

    Hey VD, I thought out of all the posters on here that you would appreciate lawyers.....they can also help you get out of trouble as well
    "Drown in a vat of whiskey.....death where is thy sting?" - W.C. Fields.

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    Default re: Any good jokes ????

    No offence to any of the budding future lawyers reading this thread..

    What's the difference between a dead lawyer on a street and a dead dog on the street?
    There are skid marks in front of the dog

    What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
    One in 50,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being

    Why does California have the most lawyers and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
    New Jersey had first pick.

    What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
    The bucket.

    What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
    Their personalities.



    Here is a law related one that isn't against lawyers

    Having been propositioned by a well defined and uptown prostitute one evening, a successful single gentleman agreed to have consensual sex with the young lady for the sum of $500.00. After the evening ended the gentleman handed the young lady $250.00. The prostitute immediately demanded the balance and threatened to sue if she didn't get it. "That's a laugh!" the man stated, "I'd like to see you try." A few days later the man was surprised to receive a summons ordering him to appear in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. The man hurried to his lawyer's office and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how she presents her case." After the usual preliminaries, the parties appeared in court ready for trial. The prostitute's lawyer addressed the court first, "Your Honor, my client, this lady here, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specific length of time for the sum of $500.00. The defendant obtained exclusive possession of the property, using it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented. However, upon evacuating the premises, he paid only one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive since it is restricted and exclusive property and we ask that judgment be granted for plaintiff and against defendant in the amount of $250.00.
    The defendant's lawyer, thrown back by what he had just heard, pondered the opening remarks for a moment and stood to present his off-the-cuff version of the case, "Your Honor, my client agrees that the young lady has a fine piece of property, and that he rented such property for a period of time, and that he even derived a degree of pleasure from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property upon which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump. All equipment belonging to my client and all labor being performed by him. We allege that these improvements to the property were sufficient to effect an offset of the unpaid portion of rent and further allege that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the fair market rental value of such property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted for plaintiff and that the defendant be awarded his attorney's fees and costs incurred in the defense of this frivolous action."
    The prostitute's lawyer replied, "If it pleases the court your Honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on the property, and that he made the improvements to the property as alleged. However, had the defendant not known the well existed, he would have never rented the property. Furthermore, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged his equipment through the well-manicured shrubbery, but left the well with a hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making it easily accessible to small children, thereby creating a possible danger to the health and general welfare of the public. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted as requested in the complaint.
    Judgment for the plaintiff in the amount of $250.00!
    Last edited by Dizaster; 05-09-2008 at 02:11 PM.

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    Default Re: Any good jokes ????

    Quote Originally Posted by El Kabong View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by boozeboxer View Post
    CC I like that. I am in law school.....this is a good joke.
    I'm getting ready to be in law school (hopefully) ...yes this is quite funny

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    Default Re: Any good jokes ????

    I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.

    Trump is nothing like Hitler. There is no way he could write a book.

    I have given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?

    I am looking for the girl next door type. I am just going to keep moving house until I find her.

    I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it 'brella' but just hesitated.

    Combine Harvesters, and you get a really big restaurant.

    I am rubbish with names. It is not my fault, it is a condition. There is a name for it....


    I have 2 boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house.

    I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died...which is a good thing because he trod on a land mine.

    Whenever someone says "I do not believe in coincidences", I say "Oh my god, me neither!"
    Do not let success go to your head and do not let failure get to your heart.

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    Default Re: Any good jokes ????

    come on @Master credit where its due

    Master the joke thief, literally copy and pastes the jokes and removes the names

    I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change. - Ken Cheng

    Trump is nothing like Hitler. There is no way he could write a book. - Frankie Boyle

    I have given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point? - Alexei Sayle

    I am looking for the girl next door type. I am just going to keep moving house until I find her. - Lew Fitz

    I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it 'brella' but just hesitated. - Andy Field

    Combine Harvesters, and you get a really big restaurant. - Mark Simmons

    I am rubbish with names. It is not my fault, it is a condition. There is a name for it.... - Jimeoin


    I have 2 boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house. - Ed Byrne

    I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died...which is a good thing because he trod on a land mine. - Olaf Falafel

    Whenever someone says "I do not believe in coincidences", I say "Oh my god, me neither!" - Alasdair Beckett-King

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    Default Re: Any good jokes ????

    Quote Originally Posted by boozeboxer View Post
    CC I like that. I am in law school.....this is a good joke.
    Whats the difference between a lawyer and a duck?
    The Lawyer can stick his bill up his arse.
    Hidden Content " border="0" />

    I can explain it.
    But I cant understand it for you.

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    Default Re: Any good jokes ????

    Just come in the house, the wife has got the washing-machine on bricks, what the hell are you doing
    nothing she says, just a 45 degree wash.

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    Default Re: Any good jokes ????

    Susan Boyle has jumped to the defence of Jimmy Savile," I appeared on Jim'll fix it
    when i was 13 years old and Jim never touched me.

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    Default Re: Any good jokes ????

    Two guys at the airport who have lost their wives. One bloke says lets look together what does your wife look like?

    “Well she is tall blond with a mini skirt on, long legs and high heels, tight top with nipples showing and a great round ass What does your look like? ”.

    “Forget mines, let just find yours!”
    Do not let success go to your head and do not let failure get to your heart.

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    Default Any good jokes ????

    My wife gave me £50 and said go out and get me something that will make me look sexy,
    you should have seen her face when i came home pissed.
    Sure you lot can do better, just getting the ball started.

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    Default Re: Any good jokes ????

    Not even Gavin from autoglass could fix
    Whitney's crack problem.

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