Thread: The Poop files

Not sure why, but I was discussing taking craps with my friend earlier tonight, and we probably went on for 20 minutes... Strange stuff..

Anyway, thought i'd post a poop dictionary and others may be able to add..

The Cricket ball/Baseball -
These usually are the result of eating a lot of protein, and not crapping for 4 to 6 days.. Feels like giving birth, stretches etc... You know after about the first 1/2 inch that it's going to be a painful one...

The Gumball Machine -
Round pallets that shoot out one by one.. Sometimes up to 10 or 15 pallets will come out in one sitting. Sounds awesome while you are doing these. Also quite funny for others to listen to from outside the toilet.

The Jesus turd -
Slides out/fall out perfectly, feels great, instant relief, warm fuzzy feeling,, zero effort, NO WIPING REQUIRED!! Perfectly clean. NO SMELL.. 15 seconds between entering the toilet, and leaving the toilet.. Straight from heaven!
You wish that every shit could be like this...

Ghost Shit -
It's mostly prefered to place a yard of toilet paper into the water before shitting to stop splash back, but when you forget to do this, occassionaly your shit will shoot out, and when you look in the toilet, it is no where to be found. A ghost shit.

The Torpedo -
Again, no toilet paper in the water to prevent splashback... This one is like a fat man bombing into the pool.. You have to wipe your crack, and most of your butt cheeks.. Failing this, you pull up your pants and feel the back of your underwear get wet against your cheeks.

The Vein Popper -
You know there is one there, and you know it needs to come out. But you nearly turn your asshole inside out, and explode blood vessels in your head trying to push it.. Rumoured that pushing these out can give you hemaroids or piles. Avoid these as often as possible.

The Toucher -
A very long shit that touches the water, while still attached to your ass.

The Clogged Spray Can -
Kind of like Diahrea, but comes out in bursts and sprays the sides of the bowl with tiny chunks... Pretty disgusting, and usually pretty rank smelling.. Don't like finding these ones in public toilets... Usually accomanied by some pretty yuck, wet farts.

The Trumpet -
A pretty general shit, but it is accomanied by a 10 peice orchestra of varying farts.. Loud farts which rattle the bowl. Don't want to have to do a trumpet shit at a friends house or in a cubicle at work.

Rusty Water -
As the name suggests, usually after a very very violent curry or horrible tummy bug... Occassionally after a heavy night on the booze... Almost like dirty water coming out of your ass.. Extremely unpleasant crap to take.

7/11 Slurpe (a.k.a. McDonalds Softserve) -
These are usually hot and relatively runny, but still quite a bit of texture.. Leaves something similar to a super wet cow patty in the bowl.. Extra stinky, and very very mess to wipe up.

The Snapper -
The extra strong shit that has some thickness and weight to it, but gets to the point of needing to snap off, but doesn't.... You can relax, tense, shake from side to side,,,, but it won't budge, and no more will come out.. You finally have to give up and pinch it off with your ass... Again, this one is very messy to wipe up. Mainly due to the pinch..

The Floater -
Usually big, solid and dark.. One flush won't get it down. a second flush won't get it down. Need to add toilet paper on top of it to suck it down.

Recycled Soap Ball -
Big and round. Stretches your ass, and looks like a big ball of soap slivers mouled into a big round turd.. Usually rock hard and feels like a studded turd coming out of your ass.

The Burner (a.k.a. the ring burner) -
Comes in different sizes and textures, but is usually messy in some way, and burns the HELL out of your ass. Makes you want to wash your crack with cold water. Can barely sit down or think of anything for the next 15 minutes, until your ass cools down and stops hurting. Not one of my favourites.. Best to take a quick shower after these ones.

The leftovers -
Usually found by a second person who comes to piss or crap after you. Small peices of log left on the sides of the bowl. Provides a good target for the next man to piss on. Usually removed in this way as well, after 2 or 3 men have used it for target practice.

The Skiddy -
As the name suggests, leaves big skidmarks along the bottom of the bowl, upon being sucked down during the flush. Can leave or get the toilet brush out to clean..

The Martian -
A turd which appears to be green.

The Escapee -
Similar to the toucher, however it snaps of just prior to touching the water, then with the aid of pre-toiletpapered water, it falls to the side and sticks to the edge of the bowl above the water line. Looks like it is trying to climb out (i.e. escape). Yes, you need to tear some toilet paper off and remove this one by hand... A surprisingly fulfilling and interesting task.




I think that's most off them... Feel free to add any others i've missed, or advise if any of these types of poo's have different names where you are from..


Now if you'll excuse me, i've got to go lay one right now.. I wonder which one it will be?

lol u got way to much time on your hands!!

I've had the Jesus Turd, where those no wiping required (why does it have to be called that? )

Also had the ghost shit many times, where it goes on down the hole so you don't see it.

Occasionally have had the vein popper (once I got a bloody nose from this!!! ) and the torpedo.

Never heard of the gumball machine, the martian, and only had the snapper once that I can remember.

(I've also had the clogged spray can).