Funny letters from Viz - some absolute classics in here !

I work in a call centre in Norwich and we've just been told our jobs are
moving to India. I'm so excited!
I've always wanted to visit India and with the salary they pay me I'llbe
able to live like a Maharaja over there. Well done Aviva, keep up the good
work.

Charles Turner



What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one
standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!"
The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash
they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight.

T Potter


I wouldn't say boo to a goose. I'm not a coward, I just realise that it
would be largely pointless.

Mike Potts



Why is it always people who say 'bring back hanging'
who also say 'hanging's too good for them'? Make your right wing minds up.

ChristinaMartin



Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to remain
healthy. Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I shaaat the bed.
What's healthy about that?

Mark J, Barnsley



AM I the only person who hasn't banged Kate Moss? Everyday the papers are
full of stories from blokes claiming to have banged her. It's something I'm
quite keen on doing and I was just wondering if there is some sort of
queuing system in place.

Zak Cassidy, e-mail





TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied "I'll tell you when you're older" when
I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's arse:
I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.

Joe McKeown



I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify
that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.

Neil Palmer



ACCORDING to the BBC website, Heather Mills has blamed the breakdown of
her marriage to Sir Paul McCartney on 'constant intrusion' into the couple's
private life. It seems a shame that Heather objects so much to the public
taking an interest in her personal business. If only she had mentioned it in
one of her two published autobiographies, A Single Stepand Out On A Limb,or
the 'About Heather' section of her website
www.heathermillsmccartney com, or perhaps when she sold her life story to
the News of the World in 1993. Perhaps then the public would have got the
message and left her to live her life out of the constant glare of
publicity.

A Cherry, Leeds



PROFESSIONAL footballers have hit the headlines recently for indulgingin
gamesmanship - diving and playacting and so on. Well at least they are now
limiting their disgraceful behaviour to the pitch these days. It wasn't so
long ago that they were out beating up Pakistanis, dogging in car parks and
gang raping women in hotel rooms. Let's give credit where credit is due.

T Harpic, London





THE THING that strikes me about the appointment of a paedophile to a
teaching post is, how Shiite must the other people at the interview have
been?

T Thorne, London

WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their
attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA
outbreaks in no time.

Stu Bray



THEY SAY that slow and steady wins the race. Bollocks!
I am an athletics coach specialising in the 100 metre sprint, and I find the
best tactic by far is to go as quickly as possible.

Ashley Smith



I could never understand why Brian McFadden dumped his huge-breasted wife
Kerry Katona. But those Iceland adverts really opened my eyes. Wise move.

Martin Mannion



Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.

Colum Hill



Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like
to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's minge.

P Lorimer, Leeds



My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board
cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to
make than this?

Alun Daniel




My neighbour is an odd fellow. He's got a wall around his garden that is
completely covered in leaves! And every week in summer, he goes out and
trims it with an enormous pair of scissors! I often wonder what he'll get up
to next.

J Barratt, Nottingham




When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I was
confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the lavatory. On
the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!', but the poor sod's face
told a different story.

Tommo, Hull




What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the
world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board
cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to
make than this?

Alun Daniel

Too Funny ;D ;D

bump ! ;)