Flood Appeal after last weekend

Flood Appeal

Epicentre: Keighley, England.

News of the disaster was swiftly carried by the town's 35,000 racing pigeons, as victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "chuffinghell".

The flood decimated the town, causing around £30 worth of damage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearic Isles & the Spanish Costas were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historical burnt out cars were also disturbed.

Many locals were woken well before their Giro arrived.
Radio station KeithFM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Keighley.

One resident, 15 year old mother of 3, Tracy Sharon Braithwaite said: "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Madonna came running into my bedroom crying.

The twins, Posh-Kylie and Paris-TravelInn slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning".

Locals were determined not to be deterred, as looting, muggings and car crime carried on as normal.

So far, whilst the British Red Cross has managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to relieve the suffering of stricken locals, rescue workers searching through the rubble have found large quantities of personal belongings including, benefit books, jewellery from Argos, and bone china from Pound-stretcher.

Can You Help?

Please respond generously to our appeal for food and clothing for the victims of this disaster.

Clothing is needed most of all, especially:

Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his or hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sports socks
Rockfort boots or any other product sold in Primark

Culturally sensitive food parcels are harder to put together, but your efforts will make a difference.

Microwave meals, tinned baked beans, ice-cream and cans of Colt 45 or Stella are ideal.

Remember:

22p buys a biro for filling in compensation claims

£2 buys chips, peas and a blue fizzy drink for a family of 9

£5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm a child's nerves

Please do not send tents for shelter. The sight of such posh housing will cause residents to believe they have been forcibly relocated to Sheffield.