First Christmas joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolise?"

The man replied,




"These are Carols."

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

Jesus took over the pearly gates job for day.
An old man came stummbling up towards the gate.
NAme?asked Jesus.
Joeseph" replied the man.
Occupation asked J?
" Carpenter replied Joseph.
Did you ave a son?
YEs repied Joseph
Was he lost unto the world?
Yes repied Joseph!
Father is that you?
Pinnochio?

I always get my loved ones petrol-soaked fake moustaches for christmas.


It's such a joy to watch their little faces light up!

Imagine my joy when getting out the christmas decorations and found a present I forgot to give my sister's kids last year. Their excited faces was a picture as they unwrapped it and opened the box.


Such a pity it was a puppy

Yeah it would have been much easier on everyone if it was just a cat.

Christmas is shit. Whoever invented it should be nailed to a cross.

this 8 year old girl goes into santa's grotto, she sits on his lap, and father christmas says "hello little girl, what do you want for christmas my dear?", the little girl says " some of my older friends at school have got some hair between their legs, and i would like some there too!", and santa says "Will a little white beard be ok?".

If your woman puts on weight over the christmas period suggest some exercise.Get her to walk 3 miles in the morning and 3 miles in the evening.

In a week the fat bitch should be 42 miles away!!!

Paul McCartney bought his wife a new artificial leg this Christmas but it wasn't her main present, it was just a stocking filler.

A Christmas Story

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by X

Paul McCartney bought his wife a new artificial leg this Christmas but it wasn't her main present, it was just a stocking filler.

---

HAHAHAHAHA......soooo sooo wrong but sooooo funny

This has nothing to do with Christmas, but I heard it from my Liverpudlian friend.

Why do Scots wear kilts?

Because sheep are afraid of zippers.

X....what do you do when you're not finding jokes and perverted pictures?

http://www.googlyfoogly.com/animatio...tmas-Rant.html