Straight Jokes that don't lead anywhere

Just clearing out my email and found these from a while back - have posted them before but are worth another read. Made me chuckle again anyway !

Man: Doctor, I've broken my leg.
Doctor: I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk again.

Policeman: Knock, knock.
Woman: Who's there?
Policeman: The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband has been killed.

There's an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman. They are all trapped in a jail cell.
Eventually they all starved to death.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To escape the Nazis.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?
One.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: "Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house."
The other man replies: "Yes, she has become a prostitue to subsidise her drug habit."

Did you hear about the Irishman found under a shop?
Yes, he was killed and buried there. It was gang-related.

Man: What a beautiful dog. Does he bite?
Dog-owner: No.
Man: Can I pet him?
Dog-owner: No, he has a form of eczema that makes him skin weep if touched.

How can you tell when an Essex girl wants sex?
She displays signs of arousal, such as enlargement of the clitoris and swelling of the labia.

What's the difference between a rottwieller and a poodle?
There are many differences. They are two totally different breeds of dog.

What do you get if you cross a horse and a donkey?
A mule.

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on a plane.
However, it is a short flight and they do not talk to each other.

What do you call a man with a spade in his head?
You call him an ambulance. He may have fractured his skull.

;D Some of those are class

When I read "Straight jokes that don't lead anywhere" I assumed I would find Audley Harrisons name in the post somewhere:-\