X's day at Bristol Zoo

So, anyway, I volunteered for a day working at Bristol Zoo last week. It was Christmas time, and I felt like giving something back, you know.

I don't have experience of keeping wild animals, so they got me to do simple stuff like cleaning and things, which was no problem by me.

My first job was to clean out this big pond full of exotic fish. I got some waders, and I was standing in the middle of the pond shovelling fish shit and other crap into a big plastic bin, when this big fish jumped out of the water and bit me on the elbow. I panicked a bit and without thinking, I hit out with the shovel and the fucking fish was killed. I was really worried, but I noticed that the Lions' den was right next to the pond. Nobody was watching me, so I chucked the fish over the wall and into the Lions enclosure.

I was a bit more nervous about things now, and my next job was to go into the chimpanzee pen and clean it out. I had only just gone in when a horde of screeching chimps rushed me, throwing shit and coconuts at me. I felt really threatened, and just lashed out with the shovel, hitting chimps everywhere (like Neo fighting the thousands of Agent Smiths). Before I knew it, there were three dead chimps around me. Luckily, the chimp pen was right next to the exotic fish pond, so I could drag the chimpanzee corpses and throw them into the Lions den again.

By this point, I was really pissed off and I moved on to the last job, which was in the insect house. As I was cleaning up underneath a nest of South American bees, they must have got spooked and a swarm of them started to attack me. I must admit that I completely lost it. A red mist descended and I ran amok with my trusty shovel, smashing the whole swarm of bees flat into a pasty mush of insects. Guess what, Inscraoed them off the floor with the shovel and I just tossed the squelchy mess into the Lions den.

"Fuck this, I'm off" I said to myself. I left the dented and bloodstained shovel, changed my clothes and I left .... never to volunteer again.

....... the next day, I heard on the news that a new male lion had been delivered and was the new star attraction at the zoo.

First thing he did, because he was quite friendly was to amble over to another male lion.

"All right, mate? I'm new here, just arrived. What's it like around here, what's the food like?"





The other lion replied, "Hello, buddy. You'll love it here and the food is fantastic. It was only yesterday that we had fish, chimps and mushy bees"

:cool:

I stopped reading and knew it was a lie when you started the sentence by "I volunteered..."

Sat there for more time than I'll admit. Then I got it. Now I'm hungry and know you're just a lying :-X

Fuck I read the whole thing before I realized

Although I’ve heard the punchline before I didn’t click and was in tears laughing reading your first post as thought why the fuck is he writing this stuff.

So you should have left it without the punchline.....

My opinion

Very solid effort, X. Mark, no way did you read all of it.

Yes I did as was wondering where it was going

So anyway, I visited the zoo again yesterday just as a visitor

They had some new animal pens, and when I went over to look I saw that they had baguettes, sliced white loaves and whole grain buns in them

The zookeeper told me not to touch them, as they had all been bread in captivity