>Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
>Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
>Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer.
>What's the meaning of this?"
>Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
>Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty,
>regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or
>disability. What gobbledygook is this?"
>Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunity
>employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the
>censors,
>lest it be considered racist."
>Nelson : "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
>Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free
>working
>environments."
>Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main
>brace to steel the men before battle."
>Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished Admiral. Its part of the
>Government's policy on binge drinking."
>Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full
>speed ahead."
>Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
>stretch of water."
>Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
>history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest,
>please."
>Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
>Nelson: "What?"
>Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness.
>And,
>they said that a rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let
>anyone
>up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
>Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
>Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
>Nelson : "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
>Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
>environment for the differently abled."
>Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even
>to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by
>playing
>the disability card."
>Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the
>areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
>Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
>Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let
>the
>crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone
>breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
>Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the
>men
>to stand by to engage the enemy."
>Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
>Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."
>Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged
>with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid
>lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
>Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
>Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
>Nelson: "We're not?"
>Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners
>now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this
>stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
>Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
>Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you saying
>that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary."
>Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."
>Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.
>Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."
>Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
>sodomy
>and the lash?"
>Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
>corporal punishment."
>Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
>Hardy: "I believe it's to be encouraged, sir."
>
>Nelson: "In that case. Kiss me, Hardy."
