An interview for a job.
Q What has been you greatest accomplishment?
A Writing my novel.
Q I meant something you achieved whilst at work?
A Yes. I wrote it while at work.
:)
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An interview for a job.
Q What has been you greatest accomplishment?
A Writing my novel.
Q I meant something you achieved whilst at work?
A Yes. I wrote it while at work.
:)
Q: Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?
A: Because it was stuck in a crack.
My 16 yr old daughter told my 13 yr old daughter and me that joke and we both cracked up (pun intended!)
There are 10 kinds of people in the world:
Those that can read binary and those that cannot.
Superman was flying around Metropolis when all of a sudden he seen Wonder Woman half naked on a rooftop with her legs open.
He thought to himself, "if I go as fast as possible I could go down, f*ck her and get out of there before she even knew what was going on"
So with all his speed he flew down, f*cked her hard, fast and left in a matter of milliseconds.
Wonder Woman in shock said "wtf was that?"
Invisible man replied "I don't know but my a$$ is killing me"
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head.
Bartender asks what’s up with the paper towel.
Pirate says: Arrrgh, there’s a bounty on my head.
While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator was tragically hit by a car and died. His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really? I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the Senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.
Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and when the door reopens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...”
24 hours pass with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The Senator reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell...
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The Devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The Devil smiles at him and says...
"Yesterday we were campaigning, Today, you voted.."
"There's just two things not to like about Hollywood people."
I paused.
"Their face."
Definitely off color
A lone sperm,alack and forsooth;
faced his moment of sexual truth;
for he thought he would fall,
on some ovum's spongy wall;
but was dashed to his death on a tooth.
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn
louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on
it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights
work?
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift.
"How do I get him to sing?" the young man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet," was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing, "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells!" The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed and the air was filled with, "Silent Night, Holy Night."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" she exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him and Chet crooned, "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!" The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot and out came, "Silent Night, Holy Night."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"
The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs.
Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life, "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire ... "
Q: How do you get a sweet old lady to say 'f*ck'?
A: You get another one to yell 'Bingo'!
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico ...
But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5 and is known, of course, as -
Sinko De Mayo.
WHAT??? You expected something educational from me?
You need a shot of Tequila.
Yesterday, I went into town to pay a lot of taxes on some liquor in a local store. I was in there for about 10 minutes. When I came out, there was a cop right outside the entrance and writing a parking ticket! I walk up to him and says:
- Come on now, be a a little fair and tear the patch !? Please, don't you have nothing important to do on a Friday afternoon?
He ignored me totally and continued to write. I called him for desktop rider and i told him he certainly was gay too! He gave me a look and wrote impassively out a new cure for that car had worn tires !? When I called him for your little fucking pig, He wrote clearly the second bot and put it together with the first on the windshield and started on a third !! This went on for about 10 minutes ... the more I screamed at him, the more fines he wrote without saying a single word. Then I went on to my car, which stood in the parking garage 200 meters away.
Two friends lost their wallet and found 5 dollar on the sidewalk,
They were just bout to go on a big night out as they haven’t met in a long time
Because they lost their wallets and only have this five dollars, they bought a sausage, and they entering their first bar, they got served drinks, after a few pints they got sick of that bar and wanted to continue their night out to another place one of them came up with a plan to leave without paying tho, put that sausage thru your pants and i suck on it, that will get us kicked out, so they was role playing this fake blow job and it worked, the guards kicked them out. they went to the next club, got served drinks and they wanted to go on with their night, after being to 14 bars and by this stage they are really tipsy, one of them found a lady he wanted to follow back home, and the other guy was gonna get something to eat and he asked his friend if he still have the sausage so he could eat it on his way home, they guy who had the sasuge replied i lost it on the third bar we went to
A Lesbian walks into a bar. Bartender greets her: "How ya doing, what it'll be? The usual?"
"No, I think I'll try something different this time," the Lesbian replied. "We have a new liquor in," stated the bartender.
The lesbian replied, "That's great, I'd love to meet her!"
Here is my joke
Brock Miles and Ryanman walk into a bar, the bartender looks up and says get the fuck out.
That's the end of my joke, I do hope you liked it.
A walrus and seal walk into a club.Quote:
Originally Posted by walrus
Too Funny, my new avatar!Quote:
Originally Posted by Master
Keith Harris has died. Orville is speechless but not on hand to comment.
My wife accused me of being a transvestite, so i packed her things and left.
Met a bloke who claimed he is a limb stretcher, think he is pulling my leg.
Like many people I had no idea what to do after leaving school but eventually I decided to walk home.
What's the difference between a joke and three 10" black cocks?
Master's mum couldn't take a joke.
;D;D;D;D
In one study it was found that 9 of 10 like group rape .
The best thing with having sex with a 16 year old is that you can pretend she's younger
Just given my niece away at her wedding. "She used to be a man!" I shouted.
My friend asked me how do I stop my girlfriend wanting sex all the time,! marriage mate.
Once it was a woman, who's husband worked in the armey, so he visited her max 2 times a year... so after a while... she begun to miss the sex, so she went to a dildo-store, to buy a vibrator.
In the shop, it was alot of vibrators... and the woman was new on this area, so she asked a man who worked in the store, he showed her a glass vibrator, and said "this is a very good vibrator, but if it breaks... it will hurt alot", so they whent to another, but she couldnt find one she liked... after a while she saw a wooden box who was on a table, and she asked "whats in that box?", and the man answered, "this is a magic vibrator, just say "magic vibrator, and then the area u want to be vibrated", she thaught that sounded nice, so she bought it... while she was driving home, she took up the vibrator and said "magic vibrator, my shoulders", and it started vibrating her shoulders... after a while she felt so good, so she screamed "MAGIC VIBRATOR, MY PUSSY!!!" and it started vibrating her pussy, then she got an orgasm, and crashed into a car... when the police arrived, he asked here "why did u crash into the car?" and she answered "well.... i bought this magic vibrator... and i made it vibrate my shoulders.. and after a while.. i made it vibrate my pussy, then i got an orgasm and crashed into the car...", then the police laughed and said "hahaha, magic vibrator... my ass!"
Jim and Roger were patients in a Mental hospital. One day while
they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped in to
the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.
Roger promptly jumped in to save him. He swam to the bottom and
pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of
Rogers heroic act he immediately ordered him to be discharged from the
hospital, considered him to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Roger the news he said, "Roger, I have good news
and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since
you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think
you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved,
hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry,
but he's dead."
Roger replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
http://i.imgur.com/5LLppkj.jpg ???
So intrusive in a fight you'll be seeing double
Two dim bulb friends are walking back from the candy store and one of them says to the other:
Dim Bulb 1 - "If you guess how many chocolates I have hidden behind my back I'll give you both of them."
Dim Bulb 2 - (concentrating real hard) "Three?"
Did you hear about the dyslexic cop?
He spend the entire weekend giving out IUD's
Top 10 pun jokes
I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free.
Kim Kardasian is saddled with a huge arse... but enough about kanye west.
Surely every car is a people carrier.
What’s the difference between hippo and Zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably would not go.
Jesus fed 5,000 people with 2 fishes and a loaf of bread. That is not a miracle. That’s tapas.
Red sky at night. Sheppard delight.
Blue sky at night. Day.
The first time I met my wife I knew she was a keeper.
She was wearing massive gloves.
Clowns divorce.
Custardy battle.
They’re always telling me to live my dreams. I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for...
The Germans have decided to print the euro on a new kind of paper. it will be Greece-proof.
My girlfriend started to taking a small Sylvester Stallone doll to bed a few months ago. It been a little rocky between us ever since.
The Tube strike has been called off, so I've still got somewhere to store my pringles.
A G N B
That's bang out of order
Wind turbines
I'm a big fan
Here's a bit of advice for you
Advi