Joke

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $5.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes" she purrs "I am."

The man replies "Well wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.

He has a bad case of gas and really needs to releive some pressure.

Luckly, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.

He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there."

The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.

This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you."

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Lords Gym

One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.
She politely asks him to step out of his car. He willingly does so.
She says, "Anything you say can and will be Held against you."
He replies "BREASTS."

---

:boobs2:

:appl: welcome to the 5000 promise land my good friend! ;D

i just LETTERMAN and he said:

TODAY IS QUEEN ELIZABETH'S BDAY SHE IS NOW 81. WHICH MAKES HER THE OLDEST QUEEN ENGLANDS EVER HAD......IN SECOND PLACE IS ELTON JOHN. ;D

Name 3 African Queens Queen of Sheba, Cleopatra, Johnny Mathis

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.


I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist.
Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.


I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.


My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.


My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.


My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend. Lord's Gym
Classic Woody Allen  ;D


Adam and Eve were walking down a beach together.  After a few moments Adam asked, "What's the SMELL?!"

"I don't know," Eve responds as they continue to stroll along.

About 5 minutes later Adam sniffs the air and exclaims, "THERE IT IS AGAIN! What is the awful smell?!"

Eve answers, "I have no idea." 

10 minutes later Adam puts his hand over his mouth and says, "What the F*** is that?! I'm gonna puke!"

Embarrased Eve says, "Look, maybe it's me."

"Well, go in the ocean and wash off for God's sake!"  Adam yells.

Eve goes into the ocean and she splashing around and jumping up and down in the water trying to clean herself off.

Adam looks up the beach and here comes Jesus.  Jesus looks at Eve and then looks at Adam and says, "What the hell is she doing in there?"

"Washing off," Adam answers.

"DAMN IT!" Jesus says, "I'll never get the smell of those fish."

My uncle told me that joke today. I laughed very hard when I heard the punchline. I never blinked an at it. However, when I started typing it in the thread I felt guilty and a bit ashamed.

Still, I thought it was funny...

enjoyed it ! cc #339 8)

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.


This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.


We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

I remember this tired ass joke from when I was a kid but it always made me laugh...

Q: What was Tattoos (fantasy island) favorite flavor of bubble gum?














A: DA PLAIN!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by BoxingGorilla

I remember this tired ass joke from when I was a kid but it always made me laugh...

Q: What was Tattoos (fantasy island) favorite flavor of bubble gum?














A: DA PLAIN!

---

LOL.. the cheesier the better ! I love it

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them



When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.


Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

speaking of your avator: BEVERLY HILLS NINJA

remember the jokes in that flick?

when chris farley says if i teach you karate you must obey my every word and not question me?

chris rock replies: no problem i was raised CATHOLIC ;D

also.......


I must travel to the HILLS OF BEVERLY to seek mz. Sally Jones

and when he checks into the beverly hills hotel and the concierge is all like you'd you like for me to have some one bring Dom Perignon up to your suite sir?


Chris Farley replies: I am quite tired right now, perhaps later I will like to meet your friend Dom Perignon

;D

Why do dogs lick their own testicles?















Because they can.

A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "But that would just be gibberish, surely?"

Why did the nazis invent swastikas?

So they could crucify spastics


Whats 4ft10 and lives off dead beatles?

Yoko Ono.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Sovereign

Why did the nazis invent swastikas?

So they could crucify spastics


Whats 4ft10 and lives off dead beatles?

Yoko Ono.

---

;D

CC #22 SOV ;)

right back atcha cc+

Whats black blue and hates sunlight?

the little boy I've got chained up in my basement.


What do you get if you put a baby in a blender?

An erection.


What do you do if you see an epileptic in the bath?

Put a strobe light on and chuck your washing in with him.


What do you call a dog with no arms, no legs that floats?

a SEAL!!!


Whats big and small at the same time.

a big egg.

Tricking a Nun...

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

-------------------------------

Lil' Johnny And Politics...

Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."

"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

Q: What did the scarf say to the hat?















A: You go on a head. I'll wrap around.

I was in ASDA the other day buying a large bag of Pedigree for my dog, and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Pedigree Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she totally believed it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or handbag with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said "No..... I was sitting in the street licking my bum when a car hit me

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand. "

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

1. Two blondes walk into a building...... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "... If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts".

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

X, you may have a possible career as a stand up comic. Thanks for the laughs!!!

A Huge 300lb. woman walks in to a tattoo shop and asks the artist, "Sir could you do a tattoo of Iron Mike Tyson on this leg?" "And another of Mohammed Ali on this leg?"
"Sure I think I can do that just come on back and have a seat." A couple hours later the man gets finished up and shows the woman the final product.

The woman takes a look at the tattoo for a while and says, "well sir we have a problem, this doesn't look like Iron Mike Tyson and this sure as hell doesn't look like Mohammed Ali."
The man sits and thinks for a second and says to himself, "man I sure as hell don't want to get into a fight with this 300lb. woman"...he sits for a little longer and comes up with a solution.

He tells the woman "ok here's the deal, you go out side and the first person you see I want you to ask them if that tattoo looks like Tyson and if that one looks like Ali."
So the woman agrees and walks outside to this drunk man walking down the street, she approaches the man pulls up her skirt and asks him, "Sir does this look anything like Iron Mike Tyson to you?"



Takes a drink of his wine and says (in a drunk voice) "naw sure don't."
Woman: Well ok now, "does this look anything like Mohammad Ali to you?"
Taking another sip he says nope that sure don't but you see that one in the middle that looks just like Don King..

A pregnant woman is walking down the street when she is shot three times in the stomach by an assailant. She's rushed to the hospital where the doctor tells her the fetuses, triplets, two girls and a boy, are ok, but to ensure their safety he will not remove the bullets. He patches up her wounds and sends her home. Fast forward 18 years. One of the girls approaches her mom and says "I took a pee the other day and a bullet came out." Mom telles her it's ok, nothing to worry about. Several days later the other girl said to her mom " I was peeing the other day and a bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry. About a week later the boy came to his mother and said he had a problem. She asked him what it was and he replied "I was jerking off and shot the dog."

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Canvasback

A pregnant woman is walking down the street when she is shot three times in the stomach by an assailant. She's rushed to the hospital where the doctor tells her the fetuses, triplets, two girls and a boy, are ok, but to ensure their safety he will not remove the bullets. He patches up her wounds and sends her home. Fast forward 18 years. One of the girls approaches her mom and says "I took a pee the other day and a bullet came out." Mom telles her it's ok, nothing to worry about. Several days later the other girl said to her mom " I was peeing the other day and a bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry. About a week later the boy came to his mother and said he had a problem. She asked him what it was and he replied "I was jerking off and shot the dog."

---

:coolclick: :lolhaha:

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th
birthday. She spends £ 15,000 and feels pretty good
about the results.

On her way home she stops at a newsagents to buy a
newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I
hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you
think I am?" "About 32," is the reply."Nope! I'm
exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks
the counter girl the very same question. The girl
replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies with
a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops
in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes
up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk
this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd
say 30." Again she proudly responds," I'm 50, but
thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old
man waiting next to her the same question. He replies,
"I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was
young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a
woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you
to let me put my hands under your bra. Then and only
then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her
curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts
out, "What the hell, go ahead." He slips both of his
hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very
slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each
breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes
her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this she says, "Okay,
okay...How old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of
her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you
are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was
incredible, how could you tell?" The old man says,
"Promise you won't get mad?" "I promise I won't," she
says." I was behind you in McDonald's."

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.


I failed to make the chess team because of my height.


I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.


If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Munky

Jewish fella had a huge hard on. Walked in to a brick wall and broke his nose

---

Hahaha cc in 24!

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a Ham sandwich.'

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."


Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

cc to Lord's GYm. Great JOb, I'll use several of them.


WOrst Joke of all time:

Q: What did Mr. Spock find in the toilet?

A: The Captain's Log

A cowboy is on his horse riding easily when all of a sudden he hears howls and sees a bunch of hostile looking indians chasing. He rides like the wind but no good and he gets chased down.
The Chief says:"i'm in a good mood so i will give you an option. What do you choose; death or WaWa.
The cowboy thinks and desides on WaWa. So they strip him down and have their anal way with him and drive off.
Next day the cowboy is riding again when the same shit happens.
Chasing indians, getting caught, the chief in a good mood and the same question; death or WaWa ?
Again he chooses WaWa and again it's a terrifying experience
Next day, same shit happens again;Chasing indians, getting caught, the chief in a good mood and the same question; death or WaWa ?
The cowboy is fed up with it and in reply he screams:"i choose death"
The Chiefs reply; "we will honor your wish



But first WaWa"

:laugh: cc back, enjoyed the funnies mates.