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LOL now how did i know i would get a reply from you mate ;D.Quote:
Originally Posted by Master
They have also told Arsenal not to waste time entering for the next few year until they have paid up their mortgage.Quote:
Originally Posted by roberto duran legend
I cant stand people who think they are worse off than everyone else ...
My mate Mick is brilliant. He had a accident where he lost his voice
and both legs. Does he make a song and dance about it ? Does he fuck .
....the title of the thread is any GOOD jokesQuote:
Originally Posted by roberto duran legend
Yes mate i noticed, i have to say your jokes are classics by the way.:rolleyes:
A door to door salesman knocks on a door.
A boy about eight years old answers, dressed in stockings and suspenders, with a fat cigar in one hand and a large glass of red wine in the other.
"Is your mum in, son?" says the salesman,
The boy replies, "Does it f-in look like it?"
Lady goes to the psychiatrist and tells him " I have the feeling my husband treats me like a dog,
He says sit on the couch and we can have a talk about it.
She says , Im not allowed on the couch".
Grandma says to her young grandson, 'be a love and help me put this
suppository in' 'of course i will gran says the little boy' . she bends over
pulls her knickers down and spreads her buttocks. The boy says
'do i put it in the brown hole or feed it to the turkey'.
An Chinese man was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asks the American bank teller,
"Why it change? Yestaday I get two hunat daras fo yen - today I get hunat eighty daras?
The bank teller says, "Fluctuations."
The Chinese man says, "Fluc you white guys too!
Did ya hear the one about Paddy the Irishman who decided to swim the english channel, he got halfway across and got to tired to continue so swam back.
Come on Matty you can do better than that , that joke is older than water.
Not sure if i have posted this one before but here goes...
what's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot ?
one is a Kangaroo and the other is a Geordie trapped in a lift.
Two blow flies floating on turd going down a sewer.
One turns to the other and says
"So shall we eat first, or do we get into the piss?"
(This is very funny in Australia cause thats what we say at BBQs
piss = beer.
Bobs is on his death bed and he calls out for his wife.
She comes in and he says " You know Marge I remember when we were just married and we bought the farm and we had to go through the 15 year drought and you stood by me.
Then I remember the bank fore closed on the farm and we had sell and you were there by my side.
In the great depression things got even tougher and there you were right by my side again.
And now, here we are at my own death bed and here you are again Maude right by my side; "Im starting to think you're nothing but bad luck."
Went swimming last night in the local pool needing a piss I had a crafty piss in the
deep end fuck I almost fell in when the lifeguard shouted.;D
Martha recently lost her husband.She brought his ashes home and poured him
out on the patio table. Whilst tracing her fingers through his ashesshe began talking
to him. 'You know that fur coat you promised me ? i got it with the insurance money'
'Remember the new car you promised me ? bought that as well' 'Also the emerald
necklace ? got that too. 'Remember that blow job i promised you ?
get fucking ready.
My wifes sister knocked me out yesterday. what sort of a sick bitch puts
chloroform on her dirty knickers.
In the sleepy village of Erbum near the town of Tillet in Hertfordshire,
lives a woman called Linda Lykes . she is the land lady of the local pub,
the Cockwell Inn. For some unknown reason, she gets embarrassed
whenever she receives her post.
Linda Lykes
The Cockwell Inn
Erbum
Tillet
Herts.:cool:
Man comes home and catches his mate shagging his wife, so he stabs
him to death. His missus says' fucking carry on like that and you wont
have any mates left'.
Why do husbands die before there wife's because they want to.;D
Chubby Brown joke:-
Wife and husband in bed both reading. Wife says to husband “Do you want sex?” Husband replies “No”. A short time later wife again asks “Do you want sex?” husband says “No I don’t, and will you stop asking”. A short time later wife again asks “Do you want sex?” Husband says “No I do not want to have sex”. Wife then says “why do you keep touching my pussy then?” Husband says “I am reading and need something to keep my finger wet when I am changing the page in the book I am reading!”.
Roy Hodgsons first England team, just announced.
1. Wobinson
2. Wichards
3. Bwidge
4. Tewwy
5. Wio
6 Bawwy
7. Wwight Phillips
8. Gewward
9. Wooney
10. Cwouch
11. Stuwwidge.
I have been seeing this nurse for a few days and we finally got round
to having sex. As i stripped off i said " you must have seen a few cocks
where you work, how do you rate mine ?"' she said " its slightly bigger
than average." I said " Thanks, what sort of nursing do you do anyway? "
She said " im a midwife.":cool:
The chief executive at the F.A. has just spoken to Roy Hodgson to tell him
" dont forget we have no Wayne for the first two matches" to which Hodgson
replied " i dont need a fucking weather forecast you pwick.
Doctor rings up an old bloke and asks him 'Is your wifes name brenda smith?' yes says the guy, is everything ok? The doc says look we've had mix up with the paper work here we have two Brenda Smiths unfortunatley one has gonorrhea and the other has Altzhiemers until we get more tests done we cant tell which is which and we dont wish worry any of them unduly in the mean time. What can I do asked the old guy. the doc says 'send her down the supermarket on her own, if she comes back dont root her.
Blonde driving gets pulled over by a blonde cop. She says show me your license please miss.
'What does a licence look like?' she asks.
"Its an oblong thing about this size with a picture of you on it" says the cop.
She produces her compact mirror and asks 'is this it?'
the cop said "Oh if I knew you were a cop I wouldnt of pulled you over."
The wife asked me " what are you doing on the computer? "
" im looking for cheap flights." " I love you" she said,
then she got all excited, unzipped my trousers and gave
me the most amazing blow job ever, ....... which is odd
because she has never shown an intrest in darts before.
This old Granny asks her young grandson to go fetch some water from the well. The Grandson goes down to grab the water and when he looks in the well he sees an alligator, shocked he sprints back home. Granny says "what's the matter boy?" the young boy says "There's an alligator in the well!". Granny replies "Oh he's a harmless old gator, he's never hurt anyone. Heck he's probably just as scared of you as you are of him" to which the boy says "if he's as scared of me as I am of him then that water isn't fit to drink!"
She went thru my records and pulled out Red Headed Stranger. I stood up and said " don't touch my Willie! I don't know you that well."
The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemlpoyed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.
Effective January 1st, 2004 your penis will be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows:
10"- 12" Luxury Tax..........£30.00
8"- 10" Pole Tax.............£25.00
5"- 8" Privilege Tax.........£15.00
4"- 5" Nuisance Tax..........£3.00
Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!
Sincerely, Pecker Checker IRS
*****NOTE*****
We are still waiting for answers for the following questions:
- Are there penalties for early withdrawals? - What if one's penis is self employed? - Do multiple partners count as a corporation? - Are condoms a deductible expense as work clothes? - Is there an additional tax if you are not circumcised?
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very fair, your honor." the husband said "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few quid myself!"
Liverpool fans have always thought of Dalglish as one of there own,
its a feeling thats bound to grow stronger now he is unemployed .:cool:
And the same could be said about the Librarian Arsen Wenger and the Arsenal fans.Quote:
Originally Posted by roberto duran legend
One of Goats wifes friends, goes to the doctor complaining of backache.
The doctor tries everything every test every drug but to no avail.
eventually he says look the only thing i can think of is your sex life maybe thats causeing your bad back; what position do you use?
She says "oh we always do it doggie style".
the Doc says: thats it! Why dont you try doing it Missionary position ?
She says: "You ever smelt a Labradors breath"?
Similar note.
A woman takes her german shepherd dog to the vet. She explains that every time she bends over, the dog mounts her. All she has to do is bend down to go into the freezer, pick the mail up, clean under the table, and he is there, humping away at her.
"What would you like me to do?" asks the vet. "Castrate him or put him down?"
"Oh no," says the woman, "Just cut his claws please".
Little 5 year old daisy sees a group of workmen turn up next door to build
a house, , she starts to talk to them. The builders with hearts of gold
adopt her as their site mascot. After a week they present her with a
pink hard hat and gloves. Even a wage packet with £5 in it, " goodness"
says mummy smiling , " are you working there next week"?. Daisy
replies " I think so mummy, provided those cunts at Jewsons deliver
the fucking bricks".
I felt really sorry for the hypnotist i saw last night. He hypnotised 7 men
then dropped the microphone on his foot and yelled " fuck me "
what happened next will haunt me forever.
Barry Gibb has asked that Robin be buried with his twin Maurice....
The grave digger said it depends " how deep is your bruv".
Just worked out I have enough money retire for the rest of my life, my money runs out a week on Friday.;D
This prisoner escapes after 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and food, and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair and he ties the wife to the bed, and gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He's probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain and do what he tells you, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably really dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "he wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, and thought you were cute. He asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom, so I told him where to find it. Be strong, darling. I love you, too."
A bloke is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV,
and suddenly yells " dont enter the church you daft cunt,
its a trap" His wife askes him " what are you watching ? "
Husband replies " our fucking wedding video".