Any good jokes ????

My parents just emailed this one to me.



A Woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the
bedroom cupboard to watch.

Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home
unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising
that the little boy is in there.

After a while the little boy says, 'Dark in here'.

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let
alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - £125

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here..'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have football boots..'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'

Boy - £375

Man - 'Sold..'

A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and
football, let's go outside and have a game of footy'.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.' The father asks, 'How
much did you sell them for and to who?'

The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a £500

The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend
like that.
That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you
to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here'.......

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my
cupboard now!!'

What do a Pakistani wife and husband have in common?

Nothing. It was an arranged marriage.

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it.

The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section called the ‘Style Invitational’.

The requirements this week were to use the two words ‘Lewinsky’ (Monica Lewinsky the Intern scandal with former Pres. Bill Clinton) and ‘Kaczynski’ (the Unabomber) in the same limerick.

The winning entries (below) were actually printed verbatim in the newspaper, without bleeps or alterations.


Third place:

There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
Twas ‘Hail to the Chief’
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.


Second place:

Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
We don’t want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky.


And the winning entry:

Lewinksy and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known,
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter,
When deciding how best to be blown.

I was once addicted to soap.....but I'm clean now ;)

some quickies... from a chat with my daughters last night:

Q: How did the Dog turn off the CD player?
A: It hit the paws button.
Q: Why did the candle fall in love?
A: It found the perfect match.
Q: What's the world's longest punctuation mark?
A: The 100-meter dash.
Q: What did Pinnochio say to the barber?
A: A whittle off the top please.
Q: What did one tectonic plate say to the other when it bumped it?
A: Sorry, my fault.
Q: Why do witches ride brooms?
A: Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy.
Q: Why can't you tell a secret in a cornfield?
A: Because of all the ears.
Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground beef.
Q: Why don't pirates play cards?
A: They are sitting on the deck.
Q: When is a door not a door?
A: When it's ajar.
Q: What did the momma broom say to the baby broom?
A: Go to sweep.
Q: What do you call a bunch of dolls standing in a line?
A: Barbie queue.
Q: What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?
A: He got a little behind in his work.
Q: What is the detective's favorite vegetable?
A: Why a Clue-cumber, of course!
Q: What's the one vegetable no one wants in their boat?
A: A Leek.

Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs ?
















































Because the cow's got the udder.

A prostitute walked into a doctors , & said I think i'm pregnant, the doc says who is the father, she said , if you eat a tin of beans, would you know which one made you fart.

Master walks into a bar

Everyone else gets up and leaves

A Polish man moved to the UK and married an English girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances,
and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds? --Yes, an acre and half and Nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? --It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Do either of you have A real grudge? --
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like? --All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage? -- We have hi-fidelity stereo
and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up? -- No, I am always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger? -- No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce? --She going to kill me.

What makes you think that? -- I got proof.

What kind of proof? --

She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.

I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover"

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Master

A Polish man moved to the UK and married an English girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances,
and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds? --Yes, an acre and half and Nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? --It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Do either of you have A real grudge? --
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like? --All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage? -- We have hi-fidelity stereo
and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up? -- No, I am always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger? -- No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce? --She going to kill me.

What makes you think that? -- I got proof.

What kind of proof? --

She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.

I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover"

---

as i said..........

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan
desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a
little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling neckties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to
buy a tie? They are only £5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced
tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want
to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than
that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will
find a lovely restaurant. There you will find all the ice cold water you want.
Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later
he staggered back, almost dead & said, …….

"Your ***king brother won't let me in without a tie!"

Small timid guy gets sent to prison. Gets banged up with a right big hard bastard.

Big bastard says 'Oi mate, want to play a game?'

Small guy says 'yeah ok'

Big bastard asks 'Mums and dads or doctors and nurses?'

Small guys says 'Ughhhh......mums and dads?'

Big bastards asks 'You want to be mum or dad?'

Small guy plays it safe and says 'can I be dad please?'

Big bastard says 'Very well, you're Dad.........now come over here and suck mums cock!'

I use to like farm machinery but not any more.

I am an extractor fan.

My wife has been having an affair with Usain Bolt. He is in big trouble when I catch him.