The official jokes thread!

An Irish man is sitting in a pub one night when 3 Englishmen walked in.

The men sit down, and start to talk about how they can anger the Irishman... The first man says, "Watch this..."

He gets up, walks over to the Irishman, and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot."

The Irishman just replies, "Oh, is that so now?"

The Englishman, goes back to his seat perplexed, when his friend jumps up and says, "Here, lemme try that."

So he goes over to the Irishman and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!" The Irishman only replies, "Oh, is that so now?"

So the Englishman, frustrated goes and sits down with his friends.

The 3rd Englishman jumps up and says, "Well, now, I gotta try that!"

So he walks over to the Irishman and says, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN!"

And the Irishman replies, "Aye, that's what your friends were sayin'."

An English man, Irishman and a Scottish man are sitting in a pub full of people.

The Englishman says, "The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free".

Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer.

The Scottish man says, "Yeah. That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free."

Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer.

The Irish man says "Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland. In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the back room for a fuck"

The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the Irishman replies "No, but it happened to my sister."

What do you call a Pakistani man on one foot?




















Balon Sing

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in."

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty stupid, but says his wife is more stupid. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

The Irishman nods and agrees that these two woman sound pretty stupid, However, he still thinks his wife is dumber.

"Ah, it kills me every time I think of it," he chuckles, "my wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn't even have a dick!"

Whats the difference between a suicide bombers arm and his asshole?



























About 80 meters

Good stuff VD, whats with all the Englishman Irishman scots jokes didn't think you have them out your neck of the woods..


Bloke sees an advert in a pet shop window, talkin centipede £5000, he buys it takes it home in a small box and after half an hour opens the box and asks if it would like to go for a pint, the centipede doesn't answer, raising his voice he repeats the question, still no reply, gettin angry thinking he's been done he shouts the question at which the centipede sticks his head out of the box and says " i heard the first time i was putting my fucking shoes on"

Did you hear about the Irish shoplifter who was found crushed to death under Tescos ::**


He tried to blow up a car but burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe ::**

Ok, I cool clicked everyone who posted in this thread today, great stuff guys... especially Smash's numerous contributions, haha. ;D
Here's one for you all...

---------------------------
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$150"

Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$350"

Man - "Highway robbery. Sold"

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The boy says, "$500"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that ... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going To take you to church and make you confess your greed."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again"

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" and he touches her hand.

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

Priest: "Like this?" and he touches her breast.

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."

Priest: "Like this?" and he takes off her clothes.

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

Priest: "Like this?" and he sticks his you know what into her you know where.

Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

Priest, after a few minutes: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"

Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

;D

What do a gynaecologist and a pizza-delivery boy have in common?

They can both smell it, but they can't eat it...

One day at work, Bob hears a voice in his head.

its says "Quit your job sell your house, cash in all your assets, go to vegas."

Bob is shocked. Nothing strange ever happens to bob, and this is strange.

An hour later the same voice in his head repeats itself.

"Quit your job sell your house, cash in all your assets, go to vegas."

Bob decides what the hell! Ill do it!

So he runs up to his boss with a big smile on his face and quits.
He then immediately contacts his neighbor whos always wanted his property, and sell his house for 100 grand.
He then hops on a plane to vegas.

Hes standing in the Las vegas airport thinking "Now what?"

No sooner than he had thought it, the voice answers back, "Go to ceasars palace."

Upon arriving at the casino, Bob gets a thrilling feeling that something bigs about to happen.

The voice says, "Go to the roullette table."

Bob finds the big no limit roullette table and begins to sweat excitedly.


The voice says, "Put all your money on black."

Bob complies, the pit boss nods, and the wheel goes round and round. Bob is finally going places.

The ball lands on red and the voice says,
"Fuck."

Man buys an edible chess set but is unhappy when he takes a look later on at home..
He takes it back to the patisserie

"It's stale mate"

"No it isn't"

"Check mate"