Joke

Someone once asked me.. what happened to all your money? I replied " spent 90% on hookers, drugs and liquor and squandered the other 10%

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Lords Gym

Seeing Eye Dog

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog . They come to a busy intersection and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of the traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down. The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog.

A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!" The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick him square in the a**."

:)

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This one reminded me of another blind man joke.

A blind man was walking down the street being led by his seeing-eye dog when he decided to do some shopping. Upon arriving in his favourite store, the blind man grabs his dog by the tail and starts swinging it around his head wildly. Hearing all sorts of things being knocked off the shelves, a female store clerk immediatly comes running to investigate. Upon seeing the man swinging his dog around crazily, the clerk yells
"My god!,, What the hell are you doing???"
To which the blind man calmly replied.
"oh, Just browsing". 8)

Fantastic ! LOL... CC #12 mate.

Homosexual Hungarian went to sleep and dreamed hed won the lottery He woke up next morning with a Czeck up his arse

If you lend someone £20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

The person who said, "good things come to those who wait" is still waiting.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

three guys are in a bar on top of a skyscraper............... one guy sais to another jump out the window and ull float right back up..... the second guy sais ur crazy no way u do it ..... the 1stguy goes out the wind (floats back up)..... second guy sais i cant beleive it do it again (second guy gets near the window)

1st guy jumps and floats right back up..... second guy goes wow thas amazing lemme try... and jumps out

10 min later the third guy asks the bartender what happned he never came back?

bartender sais superman is an asshole when hes drunk

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."



Inflation allows you to live in a more expensive neigbourhood without moving.


Good judgement comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgement.

How to annoy folks


Refuse to be seated at a restaurant.

Pay for everything with pennies.

Ask people what gender they are.

Reply to every answer with a question.

Forget the punchline of a really long joke.

Sculpt hedges into erotic shapes.

Signal the end of a converstation by clasping your hands over your
ears.

Shount random numbers while someone is counting

Tell people walking down one way streets that they are going the wrong
way.

(I'm not this funny - was emailed this)


19 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a
Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with
that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over
Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Cheques, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All
Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party
Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Colleagues Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Car Park, Yelling
"Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To
Have To Let One Of You Go."

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Sharla

(I'm not this funny - was emailed this)


19 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a
Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with
that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over
Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Cheques, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All
Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party
Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Colleagues Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Car Park, Yelling
"Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To
Have To Let One Of You Go."

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Cool Click . your funnier then you think.. I love that opening line mate !

Thanks Lords - I'm not usually good at come backs either but thought this one was good. It's a true story.

My flatmate is an ex army guy who is now a heavy smoker. He decided to go for a run with me to try to get back into shape. He could remember how well he used to run but couldn't keep it up. He coughed so hard he gave himself hemorrhoids.

One day he was paying me out about all the "running" I did to relieve stress inferring that my stress relief was actually sex.

I told him at least my 'running' didn't give me haemorrhoid's.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party
Because You're Not In The Mood. -- Sharla

This one suits me well...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by BoxingGorilla

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party
Because You're Not In The Mood. -- Sharla

This one suits me well...

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hehe your not alone mate ! O0

Here is something to think about

"Crowded elevators smell different to midgets"

A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?"



"I told me wife that a man is like a fine wine... I always get better with age. The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar."