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The official jokes thread!
Seen a few jokes being posted here over the last while, so I got this astonishingly brilliant idea to make a joke thread.
:thankyouthankyou:
Post all jokes in here!
I'll get the ball rolling...
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A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
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Re: The official jokes thread!
long time since I heard that one ;)
was actually in Bernard Manning's club in Rochdale when he told it on stage
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Re: The official jokes thread!
im not being biased but smashups jokes are best :P
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Re: The official jokes thread!
Quote:
Originally Posted by emma
im not being biased but smashups jokes are best :P
u r cos smash hardly tells joke marks got the rep wen it comes to the jokes
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Re: The official jokes thread!
Quote:
Originally Posted by beds
Quote:
Originally Posted by emma
im not being biased but smashups jokes are best :P
u r cos smash hardly tells joke marks got the rep wen it comes to the jokes
i havent heard any of marks jokes.
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Re: The official jokes thread!
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Re: The official jokes thread!
Quote:
Originally Posted by emma
im not being biased but smashups jokes are best :P
::**
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Re: The official jokes thread!
It was a hot day outside..so the three nuns decided to take off there clothes and bolt the door to there church.
Since there was stain glass windows, nobody could see inside, and the door was locked.
The nuns were busy doing renovations when a Thud Thud Thud hit the door.
The shocked nun ran to the door and pulled her clothes up over herself, when she asked "Who is it"?
The reply from behind the door was "Its the blind man".
The 3 nuns looked relieved when they heard he was the blind man, no sight no problem they figured, and let him in.
Upon opening the door, in entered a burly man in coveralls and said "Holy shit sister nice tits!! ... Where do you want your blinds?"
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Re: The official jokes thread!
Quote:
Originally Posted by The_One77
:appl:
:lol: CC
Back at ya'. ;)
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Re: The official jokes thread!
Millionaire wiped his arse on his will, left all his airs in the shit.
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Re: The official jokes thread!
Hitler dies and go's up to heaven where he's met by Jesus at the gates,
he ask's if there's any chance he can go in, Jesus says no way u killed
millions of Jews your not getting in.
Hitler says go on ill give u an iron cross
Jesus says ok ill just check with God
God says no way he's coming in
Jesus says go on he said he'll give me an iron cross
God says sure u could'nt carry the wooden one they gave u!
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Re: The official jokes thread!
Billy was on holiday in America and didn't speak very good English. It was his last day and he was heading to the airport to fly home, but first he needed to buy a few things.
He ends up going to the store and asking the clerk for some "BUM". She sits there and thinks for awhile and then says, "Oh you must mean gum."
Then he goes to the fish store and askes if he could get some "FUCK IT". The fish man thinks and says, "Oh I get it, you must mean Bucket (bucket of fish)"
Billy shakes his head as YES.
Then he makes a trip to the pet store and says, "Could I get a cock and spank it?" The pet store owner says "Oh you must mean Cocker Spaniel."
Billy shakes his head YES.
He finally makes it to the airport where he will be catching his flight.
When he gets there he askes this guy...
"Could you hold my bum and fuck it while I get my cock and spank it"
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Re: The official jokes thread!
A cucumber, an olive and a penis are talking.
The cucumber says "I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad."
The olive says "That's nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza."
The penis says "You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw me in a cave, shut the door and leave me there till I throw up"
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Re: The official jokes thread!
Haha, good stuff. ;D
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There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man.
"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …" said the old man, and then he stopped.
"Except what?" asked the businessman.
"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said.
"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."
The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"
The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
The businessman said, "I'll take it!"
The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy."
He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"
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Re: The official jokes thread!
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms son, men use them to have safe sex.""Oh I see, " replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package? " The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, 0NE for Friday, 0NE for Saturday, and 0NE for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy.
He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men, " the dad answers, TW0 for Friday, TW0 for Saturday, and TW0 for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack!
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for the married men. 0NE for January, 0NE for February, 0NE for March....etc."
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Re: The official jokes thread!
:lol: :coolclick: for that one. ;D
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Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balchoy."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and St. Peter asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
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Re: The official jokes thread!
two buckets of sick are going past a lane when one starts crying,
whats wrong asks the other?
nothing thats just where i was brought up
__________________________________________________ ______
what u call a dogs abortion?
a slush puppy
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Re: The official jokes thread!
whats green and red and goes 100mph?
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Re: The official jokes thread!
Three Drunk Men
These three guys got together one day and were talking about how drunk they got at a party the night before.
The first guy said, ''Man I was so drunk last night I went home and blew chunks.''
The second guy said, ''Man that was nothing I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I got my DWI.''
The third guy says, "Man that was nothing. I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed.''
Then the first guy said, ''No -- you guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog!"
A redneck walks into a bar with a wet, steaming pile of shit in his hands.
He looks over at the bartender with pride and says, "Lookie what I almost stepped in!"
Two condoms are walking down a street in San Francisco and pass a bar. One condom nudges the other condom and asks, "Hey, want to go get shit-faced?"
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Re: The official jokes thread!
Little Johnny likes to gamble.
One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.
Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."
So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."
The teacher says OK, she can handle it.
The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."
She says yes I know who you are.
Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."
The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.
She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.
That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.
So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."
The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."
Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."
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Re: The official jokes thread!
whats blue and smells like red paint?
blue paint ;D
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Re: The official jokes thread!
Two men walk into a pet shop in Dingle, Ireland. They head to the bird
section, and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,"
says Gerry
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the
birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of
Connor's Pass.
At Connor's Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1,000 ft. drop and says,"Dis
looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the
bag,puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself
stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and
says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!".
....THERE'S MORE
Moments later, Mick arrives up at Connor's Pass. He's been to the pet
shop too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff, carrying another paper
bag
in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis" Mick says. He takes a parrot from the bag and
throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way
down, Mick takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Mick continues to plummet down and down, until he hits the bottom,
and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says,
"And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"
.... IT'S NOT OVER YET
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends, when Sean
O'Driscoll appears. He's also been to the pet shop, and is carrying a
paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean O'Driscoll then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down
and
down, until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head in disbelief, "Fook dat, lads. Dese
adventure sports are too dangerous for me.... First dere was Gerry with
his
budgie jumping.... den Mick parrotshooting..... and now Sean and his
fook'n
hen gliding!!!
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Re: The official jokes thread!
A German family head out one Saturday to do some shopping.
While in the sports shop the son picks up an England football shirt
and says to his sister, "I've decided to be an England supporter and
I would like this for my birthday."
His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the
head and says, "Go talk to your mother."
So off goes the little lad with the white and red football shirt in
hand and finds his mother.
"Mum?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like
this shirt for my birthday".
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head
twice and says, "Go talk to your father."
Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father.
"Dad?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like
this shirt for my birthday."
The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head 4
times and says: "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading
towards home.
The father turns to his son and says; "Son, I hope you've learned
something today?"
The son says, "Yes, dad I have."
"Good son, what is it?"
The son replies, "I've only been an England supporter for an hour
and already I hate you German Kunts
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Re: The official jokes thread!
'So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
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"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.
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"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
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"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
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Re: The official jokes thread!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Missy
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.
;D
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"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
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Re: The official jokes thread!
Those are classic Missy! ;D
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Re: The official jokes thread!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Missy
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
Hahaha ;D
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Re: The official jokes thread!
Here goes....
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill in the hole. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole-digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?" The hole-digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."
http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l1...ndom/fozzy.jpg Wacka! Wacka! Waackaa!
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Re: The official jokes thread!
A man walks into the doctors with cling film wrapped round his balls and starts shouting 'I think i'm mad..I THINK I'M MAD"
The doctor takes one look at him and says "well i can clearly see your nuts"
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Re: The official jokes thread!
A lot of good jokes although I heard most of them before. ;D
Here this one is an old favorite that I like to tell:
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me…It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.” I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!”
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your
CAR!!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Re: The official jokes thread!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Scrap
Millionaire wiped his a*** on his will, left all his airs in the S***.
hahahahaha ;D ;D ;D
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Re: The official jokes thread!
Told this one before but it's a belter (imo)
Fella goes to a nightclub and see's a stunner so he bowls over to her and goes "Your fit as f*ck..Marry me"
"Ok then.pop round Wednesday and meet the parents"
Wednesday comes and he knocks on her door "Hello go through to the lounge and make yourself at home,mum and dad are in their'
He walks into the lounge and is shocked to see the mum with a bottle of beer wedged up her fanny and the dad with his bollocks in his hand and a matchstick between his eyelids!
Visibly shocked the poor lad goes into the kitchen where his fiancee is doing dinner...
"what the f*ck is up with your parents? Are they mad or something?"
"No no silly..i forgot to tell you they're both deaf and dumb and have been arguing for a while"
"Well what about exactly babe"
"Well mum said to dad..get the beers in ya kunt and dad said Bollocks i'm watching the match" ;D
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;D
They never got married in the end but the Lad did meet another stunner the weeK later in another club and again he bowls over to this fine looking bint and goes..(It's a London club btw) ;)
"Ello sweetheart i wanna pole your asshole off"
"ooh you stud you,course you can"
"So whats your name babe"
"Carmen"
"Carmen eh..nice name babe,why did they call you that then"
"Well i love cars and i LOVE men...So what's your name Stud?"
"Charlie Beerkunt"
;D
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Re: The official jokes thread!
Whats worse than a 10 man anal gangrape?
Finding a worm in your apple!
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Re: The official jokes thread!
Ok one more ;D
Whats got one ball and F*cks women?
Peter Succliffes hammer