What did one snowman say to the other?
Do you smell carrots?
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What did one snowman say to the other?
Do you smell carrots?
HA!
A Bear walks into a bar and says "Bartender I'll have a rum..................and coke" the bartender says "Why the big pause(paws)?"
"Oh I've had them all my life"
Whats the difference between a Male Chav & Female Chav
The Female Chav has a higher sperm count.
Jewish fella had a huge hard on. Walked in to a brick wall and broke his nose
Haha!
What do you call an Indian wearing a Burberry cap?
Chavinder.
whats the difference between a chav girl and a walrus?
one has a moustace and smells of fish, the others a walrus
I guess chavs are the English versions of wiggers? If that's the case I dislike them as much as emo's and tree hugging hippies and I have but 3 words to say to them
GET A JOB!
yeah we call them scangers/scumbags here but didn't know if anyone would
know what i was talking about! ;D
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scanger
.....I call them worthless....or Eminem either one fits
We call the boys "neds" and the girls "wee skanky hairies". :)
Doctor tells a blonde she's pregnant.....blonde says "Are you sure it's mine?"
Wht did god invent orgasms??
So that (fill in ethnic slur here..I use the "N" word) would know when to stop f#cking!
P.S. please don't accuse me of being racist, I am part black........
.......from the waist down!
Guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm.
Bartender: "What can I get you?"
Guy: "Just a beer please... and one for the road."
A young blond woman went into a bank to withdraw some money.
For security purposes the cashier asked her if she could identify herself.
She opened her handbag and took out a small mirror, looked into it and said, "Yes, it's me all right."
An aggie walks into bar with aheaping pile of shit in his hand.. he says to everyone " Look what I almost stepped in " ! ;)
What do you call a Vegan with diarreah???
A Salad Shooter!!!!!!!
we just call them an ambulance ;DQuote:
Originally Posted by Lyle
What do you call an Indian who is stuck under a Jeep?
Pindunderjeep
LOL O0
Whats black and blue and hates sex? ::**
a rape victim
Quote:
Originally Posted by Smashup
;D
a rabbi, an indian, and a cowboy walk into a bar, the bartender looks over at them and says.............................................. ."What is this, some kind of joke?"
East Indian travel agent?? Bindair DundatQuote:
Originally Posted by SOBO
Door man? Mahat Makoat
;D Good stuff ! :coolclick:Quote:
Originally Posted by landmine950
A Berkeley, an MIT, and a Chicago professor were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God is sitting on the great white throne. God addresses the Berkeley professor first: "What do you believe in?"
The Berkeley professor replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."
God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses the MIT professor: "What do you believe in?"
The MIT professor replies, "Well, I believe technology is the greatest boon to man. We can eliminate disease, poverty, suffering, and make mother Earth a paradise for all to enjoy."
God thinks for a second and says: "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."
God then address the Chicago professor. "What do you believe?"
"I believe you're in my chair." O0
[size=10pt]Auto accidents and insurance statements[/size]
The following quotes are actual statements which were written on insurance forms when car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in as few words as possible.
Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I didn't have.
The other collided with mine without even giving warning of its intentions A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed for the embankment.
As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared. I was unable to stop in time to avoid an accident.
To avoid hitting the car in front of me, I struck the pedestrian.
In my attempt to hit a fly. I drove into a telephone pole.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat, I found I had a fractured skull.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished. I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel. I saw a sad faced gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching and I was attempting to swerve out of the way when it struck my front end.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble, when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
Two women talking is it true youre 36 and have 18 boys. Yes the 2nd one replys and theyre all called Wayne. The 1st really what happens when you call one how do they know who you want the 2nd replys I call out their Sir name
A businessman from Luton is speeding down the M1 towards London. It’s raining and visibility is piss-poor.
The man is absolutely flying, doing about 110mph when a patrolling traffic-police unit clocks him.
So, of course, the police officer flicks on his blue lights and speeds up behind the Lutonian and then signals him to pull over.
The Businessman pulls over and just sits there, patiently waiting for the Officer to approach the vehicle.
"Can I see your licence sir". Says the Officer.
"No, I don't have it with me, I left in a hurry unfortunately".
"Oh really? So where exactly were you going is such a hurry then?" The Officer says through a smug looking grin.
"Well I need to dump my wife’s body somewhere and I was just anxious to find a quite lay-by" The businessman then signals to his glove compartment.
"I killed her with the gun I have here in this glove compartment. I am sorry officer, am I in big trouble?"
"Don't move!" Says the Policeman. "Stay right were you are! Let me see your hands!"
Immediately the policeman backs right up towards his own parked vehicle and radios over to request armed response and absolutely any other backup in the surrounding areas.
Only a few minutes pass when a dozen cop cars pull up along side the Lutonian's car. Suddenly some bigwig hop's out of a squad car and approaches the suspects’ motor, rather brazenly.
"Do you mind if I have a look round your motor Sir?" Says the Bigwig.
"Not at all Officer, be my guest."
"Good. Open the boot then please."
The Bigwig peers inside the boot only to find a set of jump leads and a bucket. Nothing there then.
So he moves round to the passenger side of the car and pulls open the glove compartment. Again, nothing.
Bemused, the big wig says, "I was informed that we were dealing with a murder suspect here!"
"What!" Says the businessman, seemingly shocked and insulted. "Me? A murderer?!
"Yes, I have, er had reason to believe you had a dead body in the boot of your car sir." The Bigwig is clearly uncomfortable.
"Oh really? So you thought I might of moved the body to my glove compartment then?"
"Oh, no sir. Well its just, we also have, I mean had, reason to believe you were also concealing firearms too."
The businessman roars with laughter "Bwahaha, this is absolutely ridiculous! What else? I suppose you have reason to believe I was speeding too?"
::**
;)Quote:
Originally Posted by Scrap
The Irish had a press conferance to announce there attempt to land a man on the Sun The scribes started laugthing and said theyed get burned to death. they replied we thought of that so were going at night
OK....
Heres some that either just got sent to me or know by heart......
A banker and his friend were fishing one afternoon when their boat began to sink.
The banker said, "I can't swim."
His friend held on to the banker and swam toward shore.
After 20 minutes, he grew tired and asked, "Do you suppose you could float alone?"
The banker replied, "Well, this is a hell of a time to ask for money."
Three nuns were talking.
The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day, and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines."
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry, and I found a bunch of condoms!"
"Oh, my!" gasped the other nuns.
"What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.
The third nun fainted. :bananasex:
:angel:
Fantastic ! ;DQuote:
Originally Posted by Scrap
enjoyed those. heheQuote:
Originally Posted by CutMeMicK
The Wino
A homeless wino passes out in the street next to a gay bar. That night one of the bar's patrons leaves the bar and sees the wino asleep on the street. He rolls the wino over, has his way with him and slips a $10 bill in his pocket. In the morning the wino wakes up, finds the $10, and heads for the local liquor store. He goes inside and asks the clerk "Give me $10 worth of your cheapest wine." The clerk hands him a bottle, the wino leaves and resumes his position on the street. That night the same man leaves the gay bar, only to find the wino passed out on the street again. He rolls the wino over, has his way with him and slips a $10 bill in his pocket. In the morning the wino wakes up, finds the $10, and heads for the local liquor store. He goes inside and asks the clerk "Give me $10 worth of your cheapest wine." The clerk hands him a bottle, the wino leaves and resumes his position on the street. That night the man and 3 of his friends leave the gay bar. They see the wino and decide to share. They take turns rolling the wino over and having their way with him. Each of them leaves a $10 bill in the wino's pocket. In the morning the wino wakes up sees the $40 and heads to the liquor store. The clerk says "Let me guess, $40 worth of our cheapest wine?" "No" said the wino, "Give me whiskey. That wine is tearing me ass up."
Seeing Eye Dog
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog . They come to a busy intersection and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of the traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down. The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog.
A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!" The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick him square in the ass."
:)
The Maid
A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers. The guy says, " Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answers the woman
"We don't have a maid," says the man.
The woman says, "I was hired this morning by the lady of the house."
The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
The woman replies, "She is upstairs in bed with someone who I figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
The maid says, "What will I have to do?"
The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot her and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and the 2 gun shots. The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"
The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."
Puzzled, the maid answers, "But you don't have a pool."
After a long pause the man says, "Is this 832-4821?"
Turner Brown
A small white guy went into an elevator, when he got in he noticed a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black guy looked down upon the small white guy and said, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown."
The small guy fainted!!
The huge black dude picked up the little white guy and brought him to, slapping his face and shaking him. He asked the small white guy, "What's wrong?"
Our petite friend said, "Excuse me, but what did you say?"
The black giant looked down and repeated, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown"
The white guy sighed, "Oh, thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around!!'"
Top Ten Things Not To Say To Your New Girlfriend\'s Parents...
10. Can I pull my car in your garage? I\'m not sure how long that cop car will stay lost.
9. There ain\'t nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative!
8. Nice place you got here. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn\'t it?
7. Your daughter is so pretty I\'ve decided to give up being a porn star just for her.
6. Those home pregnancy kits aren\'t very reliable in my opinion.
5. We\'re going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times.
4. Can you believe it! Those shit heads at the corner market won\'t cash my welfare check!
3. Which one of you taught her to give such great head?
2. I been shot 4 different times, sir. How about you?
1. My parole officer thinks your daughter has a calming effect on me.
What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night?
"Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!"
drum roll bada bing... LOL
this is one of me fav's ;D
Snail
A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up and throws it across the street into a field. Ten years goes by, and one day he hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up and no one is there. He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. The snail says, "What the fuck was that all about?"
Pakistani Sandals
A married couple were on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
>From inside they heard a gentleman with a heavy Pakistani accent call to them in English, "You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the couple walked in.
The Pakistani said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you will be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Pakistani replied, "Just try them on." Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years. raw sexual power.
In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants, while the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVING THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!"