Best Man Speech - any gags appreciated (ccs all round !)

Ok its 5 months off but am already kind of planning it now in my head (have booked the stag do in Riga ;)). Dreading it really :-\ Will be about 120 there.

Any gags much appreciated - want to come up with something different. Most people will be regurgitating all the jokes you get by googling best man speech.

Maybe there are different ideas from around the world.

CCs all round for any contributions - bear in mind there will be some old grandma churchgoing types there too which makes it a bit awkward (I could single them out and say "I wish you could hear this speech love - it's funny believe me" ;D)

Thanks ;)

Got one to myself in July m8.

How about this for an opener ;)

" I have to admit I was really nervous about standing up here today, so I prepared a few lines beforehand..................but I've snorted them all now and I feel a lot better" O0

nice one - cc

it's the opening line that's the toughie isn't it

have to make sure I don'tdown too much vodka and get wankered - that's a concern I tell you ::**

hope they provide a mic !

Ive been best man once before and the line i used worked pretty well.

I basically started the usual good evening ladies and gentleman. Then went on to say how odd that history repeats itself. 23 years ago chloe was going to bed with a dummy and here we are again all these years later. (await the titter cos i got a good response from that opener) then apologise to the groom "sorry mate...but as best man it is my duty to give you the most uncomfortable 5 minutes of your life...consequently ladies and gentleman the most uncomfortable 5 minutes of chloes life will come later tonight courtesy of Sam"

You might want to chuck in a couple of gags about cacking yourself. I thanked the chef for the lovely meal then said my share should be hitting the southampton cetral sewer right about...now.

Shitty jokes mate but its not a comedy club. people want you to do well. Also remember they will be well oiled with a bellyful of grub. Enjoy the day and dont have too much to drink before your speech

have also been to riga on a stag do so if you want any tips ;)

I've been best man once before for a childhood friend of mine. The guys like my brother, my mom and his mom also grew up together.


Well anyway, I got up there and to make a long speech short I cracked a few jokes about how they met how he was her second option and how she wen't out with him after loosing a bet..... And so on and so on......
Well for closing statement this is what I did.....
"And tonight as best man I feel it is my duty to make sure that all the precautionary actions are taken so that these 2 stay together and don't have any problems so I'll start here today. I ask that all the men here who have a 'KEY' to _Stephanie's_ <--insert brides name) house please step forward and turn in your key because as of today she will no longer be available"

So a handful of guys got up and walked up towards me where I had a box and they all droped of a 'KEY' (suposeably her house key).........

Oh!!! my god you should have seen the people they were on the floor laughing their asses off.... And get this I set it up so that and older man that was from his family was the last one to walk up there slowly and turn in a key I waited fo him near the box and he said into the mic.

"I sure Am gonna miss you baby".............. :lolhaha:

People were laughing and clapping & crapping themselves....

What you will need.

- Blank keys (I'm sure you know where to find some)
- A bin or a box (This is where they will drop of the keys)
- You also need to keep it amongs the guys so that once the joke is done you'll get a better response
- Having the old man at the end IMO is what tops everything off

You can also do it the other way around and do it to him by using all women and switiching the speech around to suit him....

Good luck and I'm sure you'll do just fine, drink but not too much....
Now I know why you were always posting jokes you were just warming up..
;D

cheers guys - some cracking ideas there ;)

cc cc

most of the audience will have heard my crap gags before thats why I need new material ! :)

reckon that key gag could be a goer and that gag of Munky's about my share hitting Huddersfield sewers about now... ;D

i will try not to drink too much, honest.... ::**

My brother just best manned for my other brother in December...he winged it. Drunk. But it came off good.

But anyways heres what he said...

"First Danny, after all the STUPID things you've done, you go and do this....and TOTALLY REDEEM yourself. Now April, in case Danny here ever gets out of line I have something I want to teach you. It's called the Super Kick. If he ever gives you any lip, just kick him right in the face and he goes down instantly. Other then that, just make sure he drinks his milk, says his prayers and eats his vitamins and you should be good"

I thought for winging it after a few rounds of 151's and Budweisers he did pretty good. There were like 200 people there, mostly my brother's football team and her volleyball team and then family so they all got it.

Good luck man.

My last time out I opened with "Jim said if I do a good job this time I can do his next one" . They split after a year.

True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend.

Best speech I've seen was the best man rigging up a 'lie detector'. He then proceeded to ask the groom a few testers to check the system was calibrated:

'Have you ever wondered what you'd look like in tights'?

'NO!'

System buzzed and the red light flashed

'Well, now I know it's working properly...'

He then proceeded to work his way round the room stitching up the groom and his mates ;D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Steelie

Best speech I've seen was the best man rigging up a 'lie detector'. He then proceeded to ask the groom a few testers to check the system was calibrated:

'Have you ever wondered what you'd look like in tights'?

'NO!'

System buzzed and the red light flashed

'Well, now I know it's working properly...'

He then proceeded to work his way round the room stitching up the groom and his mates ;D

---

Thats a class idea

Yeah, it was funny as. He even went on to ask the bride if she fancied the best man:

((laughs)) 'No'!

((cue red light and buzzer))

He then kept winking at her 'knowingly' every time he went past her ;D

lmfao ;D

class mate - thanks for the ideas lads


keep 'em coming !

ccs all round again ;)

As I prepared this speech, one thing occured to me... "Having all of (insert name) friends and family here in the same room at one time, (insert town name) is a very safe place to be right now.

i did best man once

i started with

hello ladies and gents, its my job to give a speech as best man, im a total novice in public speaking with a desirable urge to prove it to you all right now

and finished off with but finally theres a few ppl here the day couldnt have gone smoothly without and if u all raise your glasses...... to the bar staff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

cheers Beds - I will definitely be using the bar staff toast gag at the end

defo ! ;)

i was best man in 2003 & i was shittin myself, how I got thru it was by getting a big widescreen & puttin pics on it, was great everyone turned away from me to see the screen took abit of the pressure off, afterwards everyone bought me loads of beer & were generally impressed with the speech. If u aint got stories on your mate just make em up, once they are told everyone will take them as written in stone anyway.

I gotta do it again in may :( but this time the bride said i cant use a screen, so gonna give em a 2 minute speech then, short & sweet. I been to weddings when best man is talking for like 45 mins >:mad & everyone was bored stiff & wanting beer & the toilet!

hahahaha some very funny stuff on this thread hahahahaha

i started one of my speechs off by saying saying its a great venue here at the "Think long and hard of the name but dont say it" then just pull one of the table silverware.... knife, spoon or whatever from your inside pocket and read the venue name from the back of it.

and put it back in your pocket carriing on as if nothing unusual happened.

good one ;D may have to use that one myself!