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Everyone usually has one (ot 3-4 they can pick a winner from)
There are three jokes that stand out for me over the years and my favourite was a short one i first heard about 4 years ago.
And that was the one where you say to someone "Ken Dodd's dad died last night"
They reply "Did he ??" (80-90% of people will)
And you say "no - Doddy !!"
stupid but genius if you ask me. The day I heard it I spent about an hour at work just phoning people and saying it. Sad but true....
On here, probably Kid Thunder.
Ill have to think of my favorite all time classic.
I used to collect them and could go for over an hour telling them but I deleted them out of my head.
I liked the one about the little 4 feet high lepricorn who jumps out in front of an irishman on a dirt track
the irish man grabs him and rips him off the ground and stops him running away
He says 'I know about you folk you have to give me a wish'.
"AHh that I do" says the leprechaun, but Ima bit different from the rest; Im a fairy leprechaun and you have to allow me to have my way with you first then you get your wish.
The bloke kicks him up the road then walks off.
He thinks ahh he s only a little tyke what the hell.
So he goes back picks him up of the ground, brushes him off and says "ok den ya on".
The leprechaun mounted him from behind and went hell for leather and the irish was being fully worked over just as the leprechaun cum he lent forward and said '"Ah you'd be a touch old, to be believing in leprechauns wouldnt ya"?
You tell people...
You wont believe what I just saw now?
They'll answer what?
I saw a gay cockroach...
What a gay cockroach??
Yeah it came out of the closet...
:rolleyes:
Lol!Quote:
Originally Posted by CutMeMick
Why do Mexicans wear pointy boots again?...
Kill the cockroaches in the corners... :DQuote:
Originally Posted by :::PSL:::Lol!Quote:
Originally Posted by CutMeMick
Why do Mexicans wear pointy boots again?...
Yes!!! ;DQuote:
Originally Posted by CutMeMickKill the cockroaches in the corners... :DQuote:
Originally Posted by :::PSL:::Lol!Quote:
Originally Posted by CutMeMick
Why do Mexicans wear pointy boots again?...
That joke cracked me up when I first heard it.
my favs...
whats the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
~in a cockney accent~ you can wash ya fucking ands in a bison
....................
second fav...
say to someone "there back together after all that shit"
they will say "who"
which you reply "the cheeks of my arse"
What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?.......
Stephen Hawkins in a house fire! :cool:
A young blond woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful woman. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself, hysterically, the blond responds to the husband, “shut up….you’re next!”
This joke is pretty stupid, but a guy told me it ina pub when I was ahmmered and I literally creid with laughter :rolleyes:
A duck walks into a pub and say's to the barman...
"Have you got any duck food"
Barmen says "No mate, we don't we are a pub, we sell alcohol and human food"
Duck says "yeh but have you got any duck food"
"No mate, I told you we don't"
"Have you got any duck food"
"What is your problem, I told you we don't sell it"
"But have you got any
"What?"
"Duck food"
"Right you are pissing me off now, we don't sell fucking duck food"
"But have you got any duck food"
"NO WE DON'T"
"What about some duck food?"
"Listen I am getting really fucked off now, if you ask me again, I will nail your fucking beak to this bar top!!"
"Have you got any nails?"
"No!!"
...."So have you got any duck food?"
Duck: "Have you got any duck food."
Jokes like that are good when pissed.
i know a variation of that which I won't go into in full.
Basically a guy goes into a bar and orders 8 lagers, 2 bitters, three vodkas etc...etc... and a bun.
The barman tells him he will have to change is order as they don't serve food so bit by bit you start reducing the number of drinks but always add the bun on at the end as the barman gives same response and gets more and more pissed off (you can go on forever !);D
At end you are left with a pint of lager and a bun as your order and the barman sayss for last time we don't serve food etc.. etc.. change your order or i will kill you.
the punchline
"Ok Ok, I'm sorry I'm sorry.......just give me a bun"
Like i said you need beer down you to appreciate
OK this one is GREAT to tell at a bar, but it won't work very well over the internet. I'll explain it anyway.....
So there's this old couple out working in the yard. The old man is trimming the hedges and his wife is sweeping up on the porch. The old man finishes up trimming and needs to clean up so he's looking for his rake. He hollers up to his wife "Hey honey, have you seen the rake?!? I need it to clean up my trimmings", she responds "What?? I can't hear you!" The man is hot and tired and kind of in a pissy mood so he uses some sign language and shouts at her "I (pointing at his eye) NEED (lifting his leg up and pointing at his knee) THE RAKE (making a raking motion with his hands)"....well the old lady is also tired and in a foul mood and she answers only in signs. She uses her left hand points to her eye, grabs 1 of her boobs, slaps her ass, and grabs her crotch...the old man is befuddled, he says "What the hell is that supposed to mean?!?!" And she shouts back while doing the signs again "I (points at eye) LEFT TIT (grabs boob), BEHIND (slaps ass), THE BUSH (grabs crotch)"
....Well???
;DQuote:
Originally Posted by El Kabong
I liked that one.
You have to be pissed to like that joke, with an almighty hangover afterwards. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Mark TKO
OK well there's this story about the famous pirate Red Shirt Ron, he was the toughest S.O.B to sail the 7 seas! He was called Red Shirt Ron because in the heat of battle he would always wear his red shirt and stand at the bow of the ship daring his enemies to shoot him and if he was ever hit, the red shirt hid the blood so as not to frighten his crew during combat or a raid. Well one day Ron's boat was out searching for prey and the lookout called out "Ship A Hoy!"...."Cappin' it be one of the Royal Navy!". Red Shirt Ron steeled himself for the battle that was about to ensue, he called his cabin boy over but before he could say anything the lookout had spotted 2 more vessels of the Royal Navy off the port bow. Red Shirt Ron told the cabin boy to fetch his famous red shirt, but then the lookout yelled another alarm "3 more ships to starboard Cappin'! We're surrounded"....Red Shirt Ron then called out for the cabin boy again and said "Lad, while you're fetching my red shirt, make sure you get my brown pants too"
Waka waka!
A bloke gets home from work early , and he hears noises from the bedroom. He walks upstairs to find his best friend having sex with his wife.
He is horrified , and shouts abuse , then grabs his friend in a head lock and drags him outside to the garden shed.
He gets hold of his friends cock and put it in a vice , tightens it and snaps the handle off the vice.
He says to his friend - "how could you do this to me i am your best friend"?
He then grabs a very rusty hacksaw and looks at his friend.
His friends says - Oh god are you ging to cut my cock off for sleeping with your wife"?
The bloke says - "No you are , im setting fire to the fucking shed"!!!!;D