Am I being selfish

Most of you know I'm a carer this morning one of my patients died I have looked after him and his wife for over a year
We have a very close relationship and they are almost like grandparents to me
My family live no where nearby and i know I shouldn't have got this close to them but I have
Now @"&£ has passed away this morning and I am devastated I cannot stop thinking of him and I keep crying :(
When the son contacted me in broken tears I asked if I could see him mum I was told no because this is a family time this has hurt me deeply as we shared a lot over the time we spent together and I feel that as far as the son is concerned I'm good enough to clean his dad etc... But nothing else
I really fell in love with this couple and spent a lot if time outside of work with them too especially when the weather was bad :/ am I being selfish ?? I know I'm not family and this is just my job but I know I don't have any rights .... I font know I just feel slightly disguarded

I don't think you are being selfish. Okay, you have become more involved than perhaps you would have liked to, but at the same time you were giving more of that time to this patient than the family did themselves. In Asia people don't just shunt their parents into old folks homes. They take them in and care for them. You were doing a job that was more of the later kind and that deserves respect, and more so from family members who shunt away family members that they just can't be bothered with anymore. Oh, but now they are dead it is "family time". I'm not so sure what that means.

You do a job and you do it as well as you can. As a pro you just have to grin and bear it really. Just one of them things.

All you are being is yourself , fuelled by your feelings. This is not a fault at all , just because u are not related to this couple doesnt mean you cannot feel for them as much as a blood relation.
However you have to respect their views and give them time.
In the mean time chin up my dear. Look only at the good and happy times you spent with them.

Thats a difficult one Kat.

Firstly, sorry to hear the news :(

From your perspective it will seem unfair, cos, as ya say, you've spent alot of time with him and his wife, and built that bond with them. One thing i ask is how does his wife feel about you being there, or have ya not spoke with her?

From the sons point of view, unless you have built up a bond with him, then I personally can understand that he only wants family around at this important time. When my stepdad passed recently I didnt want anyone but family around, and even some family members I didnt. It's a very hard time for everyone involved, so all ya can do is uphold the families wishes, and send some flowers offering your sympathy. Im assuming they will not stop you from attending the funeral, so you can at least say your final goodbye's then if thats any consolation :-\

Thanx Miles ...
I dont work in a home though I look after ppl in their houses so they don't have to give up everything and move into a home a lot if time this is because greedy children don't want to sell their parents house to pay for private old folks homes they want to keep it for their inheritance
I've spent hours with him just talking reminiscing etc.... He used to be friends with Ben Sherman and worked for him and told me all about the take over that left Ben Sherman being unable to use his own signature :/ he helped my daughter do her war homework and always gave me an approval on my dressed before one of my partners posh boxing do's ..... Anyway I know I'm rambling and I'm sorry and he'll be greatly missed by me family or not

I've not managed to speak to her yet only the son and I asked him to give me a ring when it would be ok to visit....

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Originally Posted by katfight

Thanx Miles ...
I dont work in a home though I look after ppl in their houses so they don't have to give up everything and move into a home a lot if time this is because greedy children don't want to sell their parents house to pay for private old folks homes they want to keep it for their inheritance
I've spent hours with him just talking reminiscing etc.... He used to be friends with Ben Sherman and worked for him and told me all about the take over that left Ben Sherman being unable to use his own signature :/ he helped my daughter do her war homework and always gave me an approval on my dressed before one of my partners posh boxing do's ..... Anyway I know I'm rambling and I'm sorry and he'll be greatly missed by me family or not

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Ah, I thought you were a care worker as in working in a home. My mistake!

It's ok the type of care we provide is more personal as we each have our own patients so it was always me as the carer for him not who's eva happens to be working

Kat first off bless you for what you do, that's a job not many can handle emotionally and psychologically.

Secondly, I've had family members cared for by hospice and the like and for the most part I've always seen those people at funerals and their efforts and support are ALWAYS appreciated to the fullest....maybe that's just how things are in the South, but we(my family) would never decline a request like that. And I'm not telling you this to brag about my family, but just to give everyone a true glimpse of the Southern culture.

Having dealt with loss in my immediate family father and mother both passed, this guy is probably just wanting some time to come to grips. Some people dont like showing there emotions to people they dont really know. You probably have a closer relationship to his parents than him. Just give him some time. You can always send some flowers or a card to let them know how you feel. I wouldnt have minded personally, like Lyle says I'm from the south as well, and pretty much everyone from the area came by to offer condolensces and everyone brings you all kinds of food, flowers etc...

Yeah dont take it personally KAt everyone reacts to loss differently and some just have to bottle it up.

You did the best for them that is the greatest action in itself.

I thought I had a stressful job... :-\

Am I being selfish?

No

I'm seeing them tomorrow after a lengthy phone call to his wife ..... In which she kindly explained to me that she wanted time alone with me so we could share our grief without family members around that hardly used to visit which is really very nice of her and we r going to visit the chapel of rest together xx

Darn can't rep you, but anyway, sorry that someone close to you died..

Honestly I don't think it's selfish at all.. It sounds like the son is a bit selfish...

He probably doesn't realize just how close you got to the family during the year spending time with them, and perhaps if he had any idea he would have been more welcoming of you during this time... As open person would just let you be apart of it anyway...

But it could also be that just some families have this real intimate thing going on and feel like they will be betraying that a little bit letting someone else in at such a vulnerable time..

Still think you are right to feel the way you do though and it's a shame you miss out on dealing with it the way you want to, and probably the way the man would have wanted you to as well..

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Originally Posted by katfight

I'm seeing them tomorrow after a lengthy phone call to his wife ..... In which she kindly explained to me that she wanted time alone with me so we could share our grief without family members around that hardly used to visit which is really very nice of her and we r going to visit the chapel of rest together xx

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That's fantastic....