A look back at 2006's e-mails

X · 12-23-2006 08:57 PM

Email Analysis - 2006

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the

glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every

envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same

reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny

Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive

the £15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for

participating in their special e-mail program.

Also, I expect a large sum of money from Nigeria, or somewhere in

Africa, for helping a kindly gentleman there remove his family's

fortune from the grasp of an evil despot.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking

out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible

mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a

water buffalo on a hot day

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I

forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five

minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can

remove toilet stains and rust.

I can no longer buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the

car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping

gas.

I no longer use Cling film in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the

microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me

for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be

pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a

perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or DHL since they are actually

Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a

number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica,

Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car

because I can't buy petrol from certain companies whose profits a)

support terrorism, b) enslave foreign workers, c) despoil the planet,

d) all of the above!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next

70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00

PM this afternoon (local time) and the fleas from 12 camels will

infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will

occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door

neighbour’s ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, and one last point-

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has

discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity

read their posts with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late

**Scrap** · 12-23-2006 09:11 PM

Thats cheered me up I dont do it.

**Kev** · 12-23-2006 09:17 PM

Did you not get the email about not opening emails? It's dangerous, you could contract a computer virus that can mutate into a human virus and transfer via infra red to your wireless mouse, which once your sweaty little palm touches it will transfer straight to you.

Oh and I didn't understand this one

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can

remove toilet stains and rust.

I would have thought that if it cleans the toilet you should drink loads, that way you can piss it clean