Classic Saddo jokes.

[Master]

<ST1</ST1A tourist hired a car and set off for the outback.

On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar.

"For f#@k's sake!" the bloke cried, "what the hell's going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and now some bloke's w@nking himself off in the bar!"

"Fair dinkum, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep"<O</O

[Master]

An Chinese man was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asks the American bank teller,

"Why it change? Yestaday I get two hunat daras fo yen - today I get hunat eighty daras?

The bank teller says, "Fluctuations."

The Chinese man says, "Fluc you white guys too!<O</O

[Dark Lord Al]

Stephen Gateley was found with chocolate in and around his arse ,
Police suspect George Micheal was " CARELESS WITH A WHISPER "

[Master]

David Beckham at a press conference.....

"I like em because they taste nice and make my breath smell fresh "

Reporter shouts back........

"TACTICS YOU THICK C*NT"<O</O

[Master]

An old dear walks into a butchers a says to the butcher "Excuse me young man is that a sheeps head in the window"? To which the butcher replies "No luv, thats a mirror"!<O</O

[Scrap]

Master the Beckham one Im still pissing myself classic.

[superheavyrhun]

There was an explosion at the pie factory last night.

3.14159 people died.

[Andre]

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

[Master]

A man walks into a restaurant and orders a bowl of soup
when the waiter comes back from the kitchen he has his thumb in the soup

Man: "why is your thumb in my soup?
Waiter: "I'm keeping it warm"
Man: "Why don't you shove it up your ar se?"
Waiter: "I do when I'm in the kitchen"<O</O

[Master]

A very distinguished looking American lady walks into a tattoo shop and sits down.

The PROPRIETOR, amazed at seeing such a sophisticated lady in his shop, runs over immediately and asks if he could help her.

To his shock and utter delight, she lifts up her silk skirt and points to her right inner thigh, very high up.

"Right here," she says, " I want you to tattoo a turkey, and underneath it I want the words 'Thanks Giving' " .

Then she points to her left thigh just as high up, and says, "On this side, I want you to tattoo an evergreen tree with lights and tinsel and an angel on top, and underneath it I want the word 'Christmas' ".

The owner looks at her. "Ooh, lady, it's none of my business, but that is probably the most unusual request I've ever heard. Why in the world do you want to do that?

"Well," the lady said, "I'm sick and tired of my husband always complaining that there's never anything good to eat between Thanks Giving and Christmas

[Master]

One of X's....

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire
long after hypothermia, or heat stroke, has set in.
The RAC or AA is not an option. I will get in.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at.
If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of Holy Communion.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which"feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. ( F.Y.I. guys cumin is a spice and not a bodily function).

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss an entire show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator)...applies to engineers mainly.

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either s*x, cars or sport. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't...and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2008, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest... ]like looking for my socks, or wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

This has been a public service message for Women to better understand Men...the above might seem like a joke. But it's not.

[Master]

Sven-Goran Eriksson is on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire' and has reached the £1 million question. Chris Tarrant says, "Right Sven, this is for a £1 million, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time. "Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a Set? "Is it. a, a badger b, a ferret c, a mole or d, a cuckoo?" Sven ponders for a while and says, "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure. I'll have to go 50-50." "Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with. 'Badger' and 'Cuckoo' are the two remaining answers." Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says, "No, Chris, I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend." So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris. "Hmmm, I think I'll call David Beckham." So Tarrant phones David Beckham. "David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'. I've got Sven-Goran Eriksson here, and with your help he could win £1 million. The next voice you hear will be Sven's." "Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a set? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?" "It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation. "You sure, son?" says Sven. "Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger. Definitely." "Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger. "Final answer, Sven?" "Final answer, Chris." "That's the correct answer. You've won £1 million!" Cue wild celebrations. Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across. "Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how the heck did you know that a badger lives in a set?" "Oh I didn't, boss..." replies Beckham, .......... > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > "... But everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!"

[X]

One of X's....

The others in blue text are too

[DaxxKahn]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a
20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says.. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!..." said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see
if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?
"You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to
the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee
through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with
my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thingy through the fence, I
say, '$20 or off it comes'.

"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way,
what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", "not everybody pays".

[DaxxKahn]

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy ,M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed

I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!