Lucien Freud at the National Portrait Gallery

[Kirkland Laing]

The cunt Freud still can't hold a candle to my installation art. He could live to be a thousand and never produce a work of art that came close to the stuff I knock out every day.

Your daily installations are all on porcelain I take it?

I'm a virtuoso of the porcelain. I've installed my art in toilet bowls all over the world, and for fucking top money too. After hours of preparation I work with my own organic matter to create majestic tableaux of infinite texture and variety.