Any good jokes ????

[roberto duran legend]

Paddy caught his wife having a affair and decided to kill her and himself.He puts the gun
to his head, looks at his wife and says,"Dont laugh,your fucking next".

[Julius Rain]

A guy walks up to a beautiful woman. The woman says she only wants a man with a 12" cock and she wants it to hurt.

The man replies, how about I fuck you twice and then punch you in the face?

[Julius Rain]

Three pregnant girls conversating. First girl says, I'm having a boy cause I was on top. Second girl says, I'm having a girl cause I was on the bottom. Blonde girl says, OMG! I'm having puppies!!!

[Master]

A magician was working on a cruise ship where the audience was different each week so the magician could do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem...the captain's parrot saw the same show every week too and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once the parrot understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but was unable to anything about it. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost everyone on board. The magician managed to survive and luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... and then 2 days...and then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could hold back no longer and said......"OK, I give up. Where's the f...ing ship?"

[GOAT]

Teaching US-capitalism in India.

[Beanz]

Teaching US-capitalism in India.

Are you Brockton in disguise ?

[Dia bando]

Never mind Tesco Burgers, try there meatballs they are the dogs bollocks.

[roberto duran legend]

David Beckham gets in a cab,and he sees the driver looking at him in the rear view mirror.
After about 5 minutes,the driver says" ok give me a clue"Beckham says " i had a glittering
career at Man Utd , played in America , and played over 100 times for England, is that
enough ?". The driver says " no you thick cunt , where are you going ?.....

[Andre]

And Beckham replies "Well keep it to yourself but; there's talk of an offer from Argentina."

[roberto duran legend]

For fuck sake.... please tell me somebody has checked Tesco,s
Cock -a-leeky soup.

[Master]

Hello, "This is Daddy."

"Hello?"

"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
Paul."

"Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

****Brief Pause****

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the
table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that
Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran
around screaming.

Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she
isn't moving at all!

"Oh my God!" What about your uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.

He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the
swimming pool.

But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean
it.

He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

****Long Pause*****

****Longer Pause****

****Even Longer Pause****

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? .............Is this 486-5731?

[roberto duran legend]

A highways agency warning said anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a shovel,blankets,sleeping bag,extra clothing,including a scarf,hat,gloves,24 hour supply of food and drink,de-icer,rock salt,
torch,tow rope,petrol can,first aid kit and jump leads.I looked a right cunt on the bus this morning.

[Master]

If Men Wrote Problem Pages...

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.


Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.


Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.


Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing - your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.


Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.


Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.
A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

[roberto duran legend]

Police have told people to keep a look out for two paedophiles disguised as
workmen clearing snow outside local schools..... their names are Jimmy Shovel,
and Gary Gritter.

[TitoFan]

Young, fit guy at a bar, looking to impress the girls, points mockingly at the beer belly on the fat guy next to him and says:

"Is that Corona or Budweiser?"

Fat guy says:

"Hmm, I don't know. But there's a tap underneath. Why don't you taste it and find out?"