Any good jokes ????

[Master]

Why are fish scared of computers? It is because they hate the net.

I have a book called annoying jokes, so there is plenty more where that comes from.

[roberto duran legend]

The South African police have said that Oscar Pistorius may get the electric chair.
If you ask me he was fucking dangerous enough on a pair of stilts, never mind
giving the bastard a mobility scooter.

[Dia bando]

Two Pub landlords talking, one says to the other you always have a fantastic looking bar maid,
why the guy says because a fucking ugly one cost the same price.

[Stickgrappler]

A man walks into a bar with a backpack. He unzips the pack and takes out a mini piano. He then takes out a 12" man. The man begins to play the piano beautifully.

The bartender walks up the the man and says "Gee, where did you get the little man?" the guy hands him a magic lamp and says "rub it and make a wish.

The bartender rubs it and says "I wish I had a Million Bucks!"

*POOF* a million Ducks come marching into the bar.

The bartender looks at the man and says "I think you lamp is broken".

The man in return says "Yah. Do you really think i asked for a 12" pianist?"

[Stickgrappler]

3 guys are walking on the beach. One finds a lamp and out comes a genie. Genie gives them each one wish.

First guy says "I wish my penis were 6 inches longer." Genie grants his wish.

Next guy says "I wish my penis were a foot longer." Genie grants his wish.

Third guy says "I wish my penis touched the ground." So the genie cut off his legs.

[Beanz]

Two old ladies were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to some traffic lights, the light was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another set of traffic lights and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous. At the next set of lights, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"

[Stickgrappler]

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?"

Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, "this must be good, where did he go when he left here?"

Joey says, "To your house!"

[Chet Ripley]

How do you tell if a midget is on her period?




She keeps tripping over the string.

[Master]

A clergyman, a doctor and a project manager were playing golf together one day and were waiting for a particularly slow group ahead. The project manager exclaimed, "What's with these people? We've been waiting over half and hour! It's a complete disgrace." The doctor agreed, "They're hopeless, I've never seen such a rabble on a golf course." The clergyman spotted the approaching greenkeeper and asked him what was going on, "What's happening with that group ahead of us? They're surely too slow and useless to be playing, aren't they?" The greenkeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The three golfers fell silent for a moment. The clergyman said, "Oh dear, that's so sad. I shall say some special prayers for them tonight." The doctor added, rather meekly, "That's a good thought. I'll get in touch with an ophthalmic surgeon friend of mine to see if there's anything that can be done for them." After pondering the situation for a few seconds, the project manager turned to the greenkeeper and asked, "Why can't they play at night?"

[FinitoElDinamita]

#2nd time.

3 strikes