I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.


I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist.
Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.


I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.