Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
The chimps pluck it for him, I imagine. He could be half Cherokee.

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat? That's how they got flat in the first place, isn't? If you don't mash the flicker the batteries will stay round.

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough? What they know is that your too lazy to make a deposit.

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? To trick people into thinking their just passing through.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Bilbo has been counting them for the past 15 years.

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'? So when they have to tell people they have a lisp everyone will hear what one sounds like. Two birds with one stone.

What is the speed of darkness? How fast you get knocked out?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours? Oh, they mean human babies?!

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the Special Olympics? Not sure. Mom always drops me off near the main gate.

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be? -2

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer? No, married people die fat, bitter and between 40 and 50 years of age.

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Once we got to the moon people thought we'd done it all and got lazy.

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Telescopes are free but holding one eye shut is a royal pain.

Did you ever stop and wonder...... and I cry

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?' I'm pretty sure he was half queer.

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's ass.' I'm pretty sure he was 100% queer.

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? Pumpernickel cooks slower because it's black to start with.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? The light would bust from the cold.

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their ass when they ask where the bathroom is? Maybe not in the UK

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? To give you time to check for tail grout.

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! Well, Mick and I are both humans and look at him. Mister upright!

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? testy

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? baby whales

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? No.

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Patterns make it easy for children to learn

Stop singing and read on.......

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? Certainly. Most can at least spell their name.

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? Yeah, he thinks your teasing him about going for a ride. And your breath stinks of fish.

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? Yes