The official jokes thread!

[Oggie]

for that one.

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Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balchoy."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and St. Peter asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

[Phil]

two buckets of sick are going past a lane when one starts crying,
whats wrong asks the other?
nothing thats just where i was brought up


__________________________________________________ ______


what u call a dogs abortion?



























a slush puppy

[TheChosenOne]

whats green and red and goes 100mph?

[ricsan]

Three Drunk Men

These three guys got together one day and were talking about how drunk they got at a party the night before.
The first guy said, ''Man I was so drunk last night I went home and blew chunks.''

The second guy said, ''Man that was nothing I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I got my DWI.''

The third guy says, "Man that was nothing. I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed.''

Then the first guy said, ''No -- you guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog!"






A redneck walks into a bar with a wet, steaming pile of shit in his hands.
He looks over at the bartender with pride and says, "Lookie what I almost stepped in!"




Two condoms are walking down a street in San Francisco and pass a bar. One condom nudges the other condom and asks, "Hey, want to go get shit-faced?"

[Oggie]

Little Johnny likes to gamble.

One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.

Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."

So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."

The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."

She says yes I know who you are.

Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."

The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.

She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.

That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."

The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."

Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."

[Phil]

whats blue and smells like red paint?
































blue paint

[X]

Two men walk into a pet shop in Dingle, Ireland. They head to the bird
section, and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,"
says Gerry
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the
birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of
Connor's Pass.
At Connor's Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1,000 ft. drop and says,"Dis
looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the
bag,puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself
stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and
says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!".

....THERE'S MORE
Moments later, Mick arrives up at Connor's Pass. He's been to the pet
shop too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff, carrying another paper
bag
in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis" Mick says. He takes a parrot from the bag and
throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way
down, Mick takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Mick continues to plummet down and down, until he hits the bottom,
and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says,
"And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"

.... IT'S NOT OVER YET
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends, when Sean
O'Driscoll appears. He's also been to the pet shop, and is carrying a
paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean O'Driscoll then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down
and
down, until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head in disbelief, "Fook dat, lads. Dese
adventure sports are too dangerous for me.... First dere was Gerry with
his
budgie jumping.... den Mick parrotshooting..... and now Sean and his
fook'n
hen gliding!!!

[BIG H]

A German family head out one Saturday to do some shopping.

While in the sports shop the son picks up an England football shirt
and says to his sister, "I've decided to be an England supporter and
I would like this for my birthday."

His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the
head and says, "Go talk to your mother."

So off goes the little lad with the white and red football shirt in
hand and finds his mother.

"Mum?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like
this shirt for my birthday".

The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head
twice and says, "Go talk to your father."

Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father.

"Dad?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like
this shirt for my birthday."

The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head 4
times and says: "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading
towards home.

The father turns to his son and says; "Son, I hope you've learned
something today?"

The son says, "Yes, dad I have."

"Good son, what is it?"

The son replies, "I've only been an England supporter for an hour
and already I hate you German Kunts

[Howlin Mad Missy]

'So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

[Howlin Mad Missy]

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.

[Howlin Mad Missy]

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

[Howlin Mad Missy]

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

[X]

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.

[Howlin Mad Missy]

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

[Oggie]

Those are classic Missy!