Old joke but a good one

[BIG H]

It's definitely true that woman can't do more than one thing at once. I just told my missus to sit down and shut the fuck up and she won't do either!

[Master]

A woman has identical twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, “But they are identical twins. If you’ve seen Juan, then you have seen Amal”.

[Master]

I went to the doctor the other day and I asked him “have you got anything for wind?” So he gave me a kite.

[Andre]

HAha.

I went to the optometrist he seemed a bit off .

He said: come out here and look up ,what can you see?

The sun? I said..

He goes: "Well how much fukkin further do want to see"

[Master]

When Susan’s boyfriend proposed, she says “I love the simple things in life but I do not want one of them for my husband”

[Master]

There are some people who are nice and you can get on with and there are others you hate and absolutely despise. For instance I love my girlfriend, she is beautiful and i can get on with her, but my wife....

[Andre]

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.
One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something." The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money.

[Master]

I said to the gym instructor “can you teach me how to do the splits?” He replied “How flexible are you?” So I said “I can make Tuesday’s.”

[MGG]

Too funny