Ok so there is one aspect of my health i don't usually discuss but I figure in a way it is stupid to pretend it is something that can not be talked about and a factor for everyonje at some stage in their lives. i'm convinced of this even if people don't acknowledge it for themselves and well managed will help improve performance in all areas.

I'm referring to mental health. All biological systems have to have something called homeostasis. Homeostasis is in ecological systems, your water and electrolytes and body temperature all have to have some homeostasis. Meaning small changes within a certain range can be buffered by the system and larger ones can not. If this homeostasis is displaced the system will either collapse or a new state of homeostasis (usually not an ideal one) is created. I'm not sure why some people miraculously think the human brain should behave differently.

Some people think that you are weak to acknowledge any stress or depression etc. People often vow mind over matter as a solution to all things but what if it's your mind that is sabotaging you?

Anyway, like many people I have met I did not imagine I would require any medical help to deal with phD stress but about 2 years ago i went to a coucellor for some advice in dealing with some difficult personalities and was recommended some medication.

I think the stress had bumped me off of my natural level of 'morale' down several notches and while I continued to function enough to get by I really only operated at about 65%. I spent too much time feeling anxious, depressed, tired etc and probably worst of all helpless to change my situation. I believe the medication was crucial for turning that around for me.

I have been told by a doctor that the brain can make miraculous recoveries yet it usally takes about a year. The medication provided naturally produced nueroreceptors that are known to be poorly produced by chronically depressed or anxious people. It didn't give me any artificial highs but it did allow me to feel the cloud over my head slip away after a few weeks. My situation career wise etc has picked up and the causes of my stress become much more managable since then and perhaps my skills for coping with stress also.

The only problem is once you're on it you can't go off of it too suddenly. I guess your brain needs to adjust to making it's own chemicals again. I have tried weaning off of it before unsuccessfully. I got a lot of mouth ulcers (which i usually get if i don't take vitamin B) and started to get symptoms of anxiety again. Then I found out you're not meant to reduce your dose by any more than half a tablet a week (usually take 1 a day).

So now i'm gradually reducing and have managed to reduce my dose by 1.5 tablets a week already. I'm happy with that. Yesterday I forgot to take my tablet. That is no biggie as my weekly dose can still work out to be about the same as it's meant to be. However I woke up after having nightmares all night feeling anxious.

What turned it around for me was forcing myself out of bed for that walk. ironically i think this is very hard to do when feeling anxious. All i wanted to do was sleep in to the last moment and then face the day at work just on 9 am. I didn't want to face anything earlier than i was expected to do just for my own personal goal or health. Ironic it's the one thing we need the most when we're stressed that probably falls off first - exercise followed by the other things we need like adequate sleep and nutrition.

Nutrition may be key i think. I heard recently that children with ADD have to supplement long term with magnesium and zinc as their main treatment over other drugs which are short term only. The reason for this is that farming land has been leached of a lot of vital nutrients over time and our food contains less vital components than it once did. It seems silly to think that this does not effect adults in some way too. Also the fact I (and others i've spoken to) get physical symptoms related to vitamin B deficiency when they try to come off the medication too quickly all seems to point to nutrition as being more key than we are taught.

I'd also like to add that of all the people I have known with similar experiences they are motivated, educated people facing challenging long term stressful conditions - not people who choose to be lazy and 'weak'. Depression has a stigma as if it's a choice - somehow wimping out - but i think it's people who work hard and care enough about what they need to achieve who are most prone to it. You have to care about something for it to hurt if it seems unobtainable or slipping away.

Anyway i have noticed some minor 'numbness' with the medication. I can function fully as a full time employee but the accute drive and motivation required to also do a part time PhD and train everyday has sometimes seemed to be lacking. That is part of my motivation for weaning myself off. I want to see if that is just something i have to build or something that will return as I wean off.

Anyway before the walk I felt really anxious and two things helped - the walk itself and also something Andre said once that I remembered. I think eh was referring to fear during a bout and he said "just remember it's just a feeling". It's all too easy to start explaining reason you should feel anxious when you do. However when I remembered what Andre said i think that really made me step back and realize I have it pretty good at the moment and to come up with reasons for being anxious would be to imagine problems that may not exist and to just get myself worked up for no reason. I recommend that. It has made the rest of my day feel cheery when i could've slipped into a rut that would take days to get out of.

A website about depression they recommend in Australia called 'beyond blue' recommends at least 30 mins of exercise a day. I've been aiming to stick to that for not only my mental but physical health. I have not succeed as yet but now I'm back in Adelaide with a predictable routine for a while hopefully I'll have more success!