I kinda need advice. Bad times.

[CFH]

The only thing this thread is now missing is for Alex W to come back and tell us he's the young burds brother or something

I'd love to see Trainer Monkey make an appearance too. Maybe he could tell us all how our advice was shit because we aren't in the "buis". He could then give Big H some nutritional advice that involves him eating 250 chicken wings per day to stay in fighting shape.

[Kev]

The only thing this thread is now missing is for Alex W to come back and tell us he's the young burds brother or something

I'd love to see Trainer Monkey make an appearance too. Maybe he could tell us all how our advice was shit because we aren't in the "buis". He could then give Big H some nutritional advice that involves him eating 250 chicken wings per day to stay in fighting shape.

I'm just delighted somebody has finally taken the resident pedo mantle from me.

It was the only title that even Miles didn't want to challenge me for.

[Jimanuel Boogustus]

The only thing this thread is now missing is for Alex W to come back and tell us he's the young burds brother or something

I'd love to see Trainer Monkey make an appearance too. Maybe he could tell us all how our advice was shit because we aren't in the "buis". He could then give Big H some nutritional advice that involves him eating 250 chicken wings per day to stay in fighting shape.

I'm just delighted somebody has finally taken the resident pedo mantle from me.

It was the only title that even Miles didn't want to challenge me for.

Yeah right no one could ever take that from you... Just read through this thread... You're still referred to a the pedo. Takes some doing, that.

[CFH]

on one?

Edit: Ah, no one. I get it .

[ono]

This thread saddens me. At first it was funny. Then it got a bit funnier. Now it's a bit weird. It needs to be funny again.

[Howlin Mad Missy]

not to worry little fella. No matter how much Jim flirts with me, I'm keeping my knickers on.

[superheavyrhun]

not to worry little fella. No matter how much Jim flirts with me, I'm keeping my knickers on.

There really is a first for everything!

[ono]

not to worry little fella. No matter how much Jim flirts with me, I'm keeping my knickers on.

Come on, let's not get stupid now.

[Howlin Mad Missy]

not to worry little fella. No matter how much Jim flirts with me, I'm keeping my knickers on.

Come on, let's not get stupid now.

to which part of my post are you referring?

[X]

So, this fit seventeen year old is hitting on you, but you're worried about your wife and this girl probably wouldn't have sex with you anyway.

Here is some advice from Uncle X.

What you will need: 1 x knife, 1 x ring, access to a sunbed, the ability to grow a beard.

Step One: Place the ring on your wedding finger and avoid contact with this girl for a month.

Step Two: Stop shaving and use the sunbed to gain a tan.

Step Three: After a month when your beard is full and your tan is noticeable, remove the ring from your finger.

Step Four: Remove all your clothes and break into her house. If you've been on the bus with her you should be able to find out where she lives.

Step Five: Use the knife to cut your body in various places. Avoid the face. If possible, focus on your back. The more blood the better.

Step Six: Enter her bedroom and lie face down on the floor. Wait for her return.

Step Seven: When she enters the room pretend to be unconscious. Allow her to turn you over and try to wake you for a few seconds before you open your eyes. The injuries to your body will serve as a distraction to your nakedness. She will be more concerned about your wellbeing instead of fearing the naked man in her room.

Step Eight: When she asks you what's happened you should ignore her questions. Instead you must act confused and ask the date. If it's September 15th she will say 'September 15th' to which you must reply 'No, what year is it?'

Step Nine: Upon hearing the year say the words 'It worked.' Pretend to lose consciousness again for a few seconds, implying that whatever it is that has worked took a great effort.

Step Ten: If she is a curious person she will probably ask 'What worked?', even if she doesn't ask this question it is important that you now say the words '(Insert Friend's Name), I'm from the future' in your most deadpan voice.

Step Eleven: Pause for ten seconds to allow the incrediblness of the situation to sink in. There will be no reason for her to doubt your claim, because your beard will make you appear many years older and your cuts would add weight to the idea that you've come from a post-apocalyptic future where a war is currently taking place.

Step Twelve: Raise your left hand to your face. All women are very observant, so your friend will immediately notice the tanline on your wedding finger. If she is educated to a decent standard she will realise that you are married and your ring has simply disappeared, because clothing and other items cannot travel through time. Your nudity will support this.

Step Thirteen: Now comes the hard part - The monologue. In your own words you must give a speech in which you mention all of these key points:

a) You are married to each other in the future
b) Her current boyfriend is dead
c) The world is coming to an end. It's up to you to pick a reason, but I would recommend a war against machines. This whole situation will be backed up by the Terminator franchise
d) In the future your relationship is not going well
e) You've come back in time because you can't help but feel that she would have been happier with her current boyfriend if he hadn't been killed
f) Her current boyfriend is going to be hit by a bus on a day six months from her present. She should stop him going to work that day
g) If she does exactly what you say this current version of yourself will be erased and you will never get married. If she questions this flaw in your time travel logic, because you cannot change the past, simply reference Back to the Future

Step Fourteen: Unless your friend is made of stone she will now be overcome by emotion, especially at your selflessness. Get to your feet and go to kiss her goodbye. It is important that you do this with the confidence of a man who has done this to her many times.

Step Fifteen: There is now no possible way that you aren't about to have sex with her. You're naked, kissing her, in her bedroom, agreeing to erase a version of yourself from history to make her happy. And as far as she knows you've had sex many times in a future that will no longer happen, so she thinks to herself that maybe she should have one memory of it.

Step Sixteen: After having the sex, ask to borrow some clothes then leave.

Step Seventeen: Shave off your beard and coat your wedding finger in fake tan. Carry on as if nothing has happened. There will be three possible outcomes:

1) During the sex some feelings that she didn't know existed are awakened and she will leave her boyfriend for you.
2) Life will carry on as normal.
3) You will be filled with guilt because of this moral grey area where you aren't entirely sure if what you've done counts as some kind of low level rape. You will take your own life by hanging, overdose or wrist cutting.

[OumaFan]

I had a thread about that a long time ago. It was an underrated thread.

I just assumed Jim was kidding because this makes no sense (whatsoever) and he's always been a solid poster. Maybe it is serious. If it is he must be all kinds of stressed out. Or maybe there were signs all along and we just ignored them

I still don't understand the whole thing though. If you don't want her to flirt with you then you could have just politely ignored her. Simple, sound advice from me (and maybe some other people in the first 13 pages). Thread killer really.

[ono]

not to worry little fella. No matter how much Jim flirts with me, I'm keeping my knickers on.

Come on, let's not get stupid now.

to which part of my post are you referring?

The last part. I always wondered what that odd looking smiley was. It's a detective.

[Youngblood]

[Howlin Mad Missy]

[superheavyrhun]

If this thread ever makes it to his employers, the only job left to him will be a "bus"-boy! Desperate to squeeze that pun into this thread somehow, and, after several seconds of consideration, here it is!