OK this is a bit long but I swear it can not be written in Slap Stick Comedy!!!

Scenario- Don't know if I mentioned this before but My Mother In-Law has Cancer and is really sick right now...She lives in Long Island abt 4 hrs away from us, Wife and Kids went down Saturday for Easter and I stayed home nursing a case of Walkingh Pneumonia..SO

I wake up Sunday morning feeling lousy and chest congested, abt 1pm I can hardly breathe and am very sick to my stomach and dizzy, I text the Mrs and she will not be home til about 8:00 pm, so I try to wait a bit and see if I feel better take some meds lay down it gets worse, I call EMS cause I am so dizzy I almost pass out, never happened before so am kind of scared....

EMS comes ASAP (Plus a fire truck disrupting the whole neighborhood)...I get into the ambulance...The EMS people in the ambulance look really young...early 20's...No biggie right?....Well the driver goes the wrong way...the girl in the back with me starts an IV misses 4 times left arm, tries right arm gets needle in but keeps missin vein, actually gets up goes in front of ambulance and starts talking to guy driving about a movie she seen day before while needle hanging out of my arm...20 min later at hospital (Hospital is only 1 1/2 miles away)....Good I am done with this craziness right...WRONG!!!!

They bring me in hospital and everyone starts rushing me (place was pretty dead)...looking at my leg....EMS said I broke my leg....Though I could not breath and was huffing away....they figure out I can not breathe...and theyt offer me pain meds...I tell the nurse I don't think I need any at the moment....she responds "Well when you do just tell me what you want, you canb choose from Loritab, Flexeril, Vocodin, Morphine or anything else you know works best for you"...My jaw drops...Like it was a friggin Menu.....I get put into a bed and it is broken...the whole thing just collapses, they put it back up saying the lock was not on...it collapses again!!!...After the third time I get a new bed....

I get a chest X-ray and go back to my room then put on a monitor (blood pressure, heart rate etc)...I feel a bit dizzy from standing during X-ray, and pressure up a bit, 135/88..no worries right?...Pressure tested again (Machine automatic) it is 159/101...OK a bit nervous....trying to relax figuring my pressure up because of al the hoopla and having a hard time to breathe...This test me 3 more times in 10 minutes...Third time I look up (was resting with eyes closed trying to relax)...Machine sending out a high pitched alert, satying alarm...Pressure reading 230/140!!!...Heart beat 175 per minute!!!!! I am like HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!...and no one is coming to check me....a lady who I thought was a urse comes by looks in and says "you OK?" I tell her no I am dizzy can't breathe and my pressure is through the roof..heart rate practically fatal..alarm going off why is no one coming in here?....She smiles and says "I don't know just relax and someone will be in later I would not worry about it!!"...I am pushing the button to call someone no one shows up....I finally get up to look for help and as I walk out the door they are coming in my room with a crash cart!!!!!.....Turns out the FUCKING MACHINE WAS BROKEN AND MY BLOOD PRESSURE WAS ACTUALLY 115/77 AND MY HEART RATE WAS 74 BEATS A MIN!!!!!...AND MY FUCKING CALL BUTTON WAS BROKEN!!!!!!!

X-Ray turns out to be OK but I go to get a CT to check for a clot in my lungs to be safe...Now don't know if anyone here has ever had a CT...they shoot saline then a dye in your arm that acts as a contrast to show things better...The dye burns and makes you feel like you peed yourself for a second but that was not the problem....Problem was I am in the machine and they speak to me through the little mic..."OK Daxx we are going to send the saline through and the contrast dye OK?"...I respond OK and as I do I suddenly get all wet on my head and I am being sprayed by something...MY I.V. came out of my arm and the dye and saline was spraying all over me!!!!

Back to my room after the IV is fixed and test done...Now I am in pain and they offer me pain meds...They ask again what I want...I tell them I don't care just some Tylenol would be fine.....Nurse back 5 min later with Morphine!!!!...OK I think not what I want but I won't complain...( I am not real big into medicine unless I need to...I take asprin like 3 times a year...) I had morphine with my kidney stones and worked like a charm....Here we go!!!!

Now she comes in with the biggest needle full of the crap I ever seen...ebnough for the whole emergency room...I mean this thing was full to the top!!!!....Whe you give morphine you are suppose to give it SLOWLY!!!!! and watch the heart rate as you put it in...Give a little..wait see heart rate...give a little more and so on...this nurse just plunges the whole thing in at once!!!!!....My heart goes up from 81 beats per min to 154 per min in abt 3 seconds!!!!...I actually passed out from the rush for about 15 minutes.....

I wake up the nurse is gone and some old lady is standing over me calling me George....I am out of it...between being sick..passing out from the meds and being high as a kite I did not know what time it was, day it was or who I was.....So I talk to the lady thinking she worked at the hospital and tell her my name is not George though...She starts screaming at me to give her her money back and calls me a MOTHER FUCKER for breaking her vase!!!! I am like WTF IS GOING ON HERE!!!!!!.......The lady had dimentia and parkinsons was brought in to the ER from the retirement home for chest pain and wondered from her bed.....

Finally my wife gets there...the doctor comes in a half hour later (it's like 9 or so) tells me everything is fine and I have an infection in my chest brought on from the flu....I wanted to complain but was scared to stay any longer.......

Next time I don't care if I am about to die..I will never go to that hospital again!!!!...I rather take my chances with the whitch doctors down the street who think green tea can cure a compound fracture if your drink it fast enough....

I swear all this on a stack of holy books!!!

EASTER SUCKED!!!!