Any good jokes ????

[roberto duran legend]

Seen a dwarf getting pick pocketed today on the train,how can some people stoop so low.

[Andre]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.

He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.

Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.

How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

[Dia bando]

What makes you proud and cry at the same time,
when your wife tells you have a bigger dick than all your mates.

[angliaboy]

Rang the amputee helpline the other day.
Got cut off.

[Stickgrappler]

Tragically, a bus on a busy street struck an old Catholic man.

He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered.

"A priest" the man gasped.

A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, "A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?"

Finally, out of the crowd stepped a little old Jewish man in his 80s.

"Mr. Policeman," said the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now, I'm living behind the Catholic Church on Second Avenue , and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man."

The policeman agreed, and cleared the crowd so the man could get through to where the injured man lay.

The old Jewish man knelt down, leaned over the man and said in a solemn voice:...........

B-5 .... I-19 ... N-38 ... G-54 .... O-72

[Stickgrappler]

Richard is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his Bride-to-be is still a Virgin.

His doctor says ... "Richard, all the men I know use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit … a small can of Red paint, a small can of Blue paint, and a Shovel."

Richard asks ... "And what do I do with these things, doc?"

The doctor replies ... "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls Red and the other ball Blue. If she says ... 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen,' ... then you hit her with the Shovel.”

[Stickgrappler]

Just passing on what I heard... don't kill the messenger!

Q: How many Mexicans does it take to KO Pacquiao?
A: Just Juan.

-----

Q: How many Mexicans did Pacquiao beat?
A: Manny.

-----

CJ Ross

[Master]

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her adult class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The male group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your salary on accessories for it.
The female group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.

The women won.

[Stickgrappler]

lol at Master's joke

oh waitaminit! i resemble that remark!

[Stickgrappler]

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter.
In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.


It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the
bank which was worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut

[Stickgrappler]

Morris Schwartz is dying and is on his deathbed. He is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, and knows the end is near. So he says to them:

"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."

"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."

"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown"

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says to the wife, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated so much property."

Sarah replies, "Property shmoperty...the schmuck had a newspaper route."

[Dia bando]

My Wife just told me, she is leaving me because of my poor vocabulary.!
I was lost for words.

[Stickgrappler]

When you make a typo, the errorists win.

[Stickgrappler]

Not sure if the Non-Americans know "hillbilly" - generally a person not born/raised/living in an urban environment... someone from the Hills or farms

-------------------

A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged 3 ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies. The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show him his hunting license and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license.

The game warden reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt and said, "This duck ain't from West Virginia. This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentucky huntin' license, boy?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license. The game warden looked at it, reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Kentucky duck. This duck's from Tennessee. You got a Tennessee license?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and pulled out a Tennessee hunting license. The game warden then reached over and picked up the 3rd duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Tennessee duck. This duck's from Virginia.

You got a Virginia hunting license, boy?" Again, the hillbilly reached into his wallet and pulled out a Virginia hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, yelled at the hillbilly, "Just where the hell you from?" The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants and said, "You tell me, you're the expert."

[Stickgrappler]

Kids check under their beds for monsters before going to sleep.
</SPAN>
Monsters check under their bed for Chuck Norris before going to sleep.
</SPAN>
Chuck Norris checks under his bed for Mr. T. before going to sleep.

Donnie Yen is the reason why Mr. T. hides under Chuck Norris' bed.</SPAN>