Any good jokes ????

[Stickgrappler]

A man walks into a bar with a backpack. He unzips the pack and takes out a mini piano. He then takes out a 12" man. The man begins to play the piano beautifully.

The bartender walks up the the man and says "Gee, where did you get the little man?" the guy hands him a magic lamp and says "rub it and make a wish.

The bartender rubs it and says "I wish I had a Million Bucks!"

*POOF* a million Ducks come marching into the bar.

The bartender looks at the man and says "I think you lamp is broken".

The man in return says "Yah. Do you really think i asked for a 12" pianist?"

[Stickgrappler]

3 guys are walking on the beach. One finds a lamp and out comes a genie. Genie gives them each one wish.

First guy says "I wish my penis were 6 inches longer." Genie grants his wish.

Next guy says "I wish my penis were a foot longer." Genie grants his wish.

Third guy says "I wish my penis touched the ground." So the genie cut off his legs.

[Beanz]

Two old ladies were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to some traffic lights, the light was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another set of traffic lights and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous. At the next set of lights, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"

[Stickgrappler]

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?"

Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, "this must be good, where did he go when he left here?"

Joey says, "To your house!"

[Andre]

Hey man, how many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?
Oh some obscure number you've probably never heard of.

How much does a hipster weigh?
An instagram.

Whats wrong with owning a dildo farm?
All the squatters.

[Xwetie]

I got a few jokes might be a bit rough though! so be prepared!

Some incest jokes

A guy calls the job.
-I can not come today, I'm sick.
How sick are you?
I'm home and fucking my sister, how sick is that?

My sister says to her brother when they have sex: "Damn you're better than Dad!", Whereupon his brother replies, "I know, thats what my mom says too".


A girl asks her dad if she can go on camps.
- Okay, replies the father, but then you have to suck me off.
She goes along with it and starts but aborts soon.
- UAH! It tastes the poo!
- Yes, but your little brother wanted so badly to have a new skateboard.


Two Jews lie in ambush at a bridge that they'll blow up and waiting for Hitler to go by. Hours pass, one Jew bursts:
"Hope nothing didn't happened to him!"

At the airport immigration office:

-NAME?
-Muhjmatil al Ahmed!
-SEX?
-Three times a week!
-I MEANE MALE OR FEMALE?
-Doesn't matter. Sometimes even with a camel


The claimant to the blind man:
- are you stupid? you can't blow up your barbara doll here!
- Ohh fuck .. Then I fucked my inflatable boat all summer ..

[goti71]

The parable of the clever son.

An old man lying on his deathbed summoned his three sons.

“I will give each of you a penny, my children,” he said in a trembling voice. “The one who can buy something to fill the whole house with will inherit my house and all my possessions.”

The first son went out and bought a bale of hay but the hay was barely enough to fill even the smallest room.

The second son went out and bought a cart-full of feathers but the feathers were barely enough to fill a second room.

Then the third son went out and bought a little candle.

“A candle?” laughed his brothers, “What a fool”.

But when he lit the candle, the whole house was filled with light and the two sons were amazed at their little brother.


Proletariat version:

"Wait! I’m in this too!” said the fourth illegitimate son, bursting into the room.

“Go back to the stables, Bastard! You still have lots of work to do!” said the brothers.

But then the bastard son let out a long, intense fart, which filled the whole house instantly.

“There,” he said. “And that was for free. Who’s the bastard now, then?

[Andre]

How many people with Alzheimers does it take to change a light globe?

To get to the other side.

[Chet Ripley]

How do you tell if a midget is on her period?




She keeps tripping over the string.

[Master]

A clergyman, a doctor and a project manager were playing golf together one day and were waiting for a particularly slow group ahead. The project manager exclaimed, "What's with these people? We've been waiting over half and hour! It's a complete disgrace." The doctor agreed, "They're hopeless, I've never seen such a rabble on a golf course." The clergyman spotted the approaching greenkeeper and asked him what was going on, "What's happening with that group ahead of us? They're surely too slow and useless to be playing, aren't they?" The greenkeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The three golfers fell silent for a moment. The clergyman said, "Oh dear, that's so sad. I shall say some special prayers for them tonight." The doctor added, rather meekly, "That's a good thought. I'll get in touch with an ophthalmic surgeon friend of mine to see if there's anything that can be done for them." After pondering the situation for a few seconds, the project manager turned to the greenkeeper and asked, "Why can't they play at night?"

[FinitoElDinamita]

#2nd time.

3 strikes

[Master]

A project manager was out walking in the countryside one day when a frog called out to him. He bent down, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog called out again, saying, "If you kiss me I shall turn me back into a beautiful princess, and I'll stay with you for a week as your mistress." The project manager took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. The frog called out once more, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for as long as you wish and do absolutely anything that you want. Again the Project manager took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and put it back. Finally, the frog demanded, "What's the matter? You can turn me back into a beautiful princess, and I'll stay with you for ever and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" to which the project manager replied, "Understand, I'm a project manager. I simply don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog .... that's cool."

[Master]

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the project manager, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

[FinitoElDinamita]

Joke threads shouldnt have censorships.. wtf kind of joke thread doesnt tolerate racist jokes smh..

This is some soft shit.. I bet some pussy ass poster cried to a mod.. lil bitch

[Andre]

Rule number 1 is no racist stuff.
Im sick and tired of telling you nicely and you just ignore it and then kept at it, calling Floyd a N and two anti black jokes. Now this!
The boss told to me to flush you a long time ago, cause everyone knows the number one rule.
Now Im with him.