Joke

[Lords Gym]

Proper Pronunciation

An American was waiting on a London street corner. An attractive English girl was passing by when a gust of wind blew her dress above her waist.

"A bit airy..." remarked the American.

Hearing this, the Cockney girl replied indignantly, " 'ell yes! What did you expect - feathers?!"

[Lords Gym]

was such an ugly kid ... when I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I'm so ugly ... I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."


I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.


One day as I came home , I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

[Lords Gym]

The Appointment

This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep.
A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"

[BoxingGorilla]

A woman comes home from the doctor's office and tells her husband of 20 years that she only has one night left to live. Crying, she hugs him and asks if for her last night on earth they can do whatever her heart desires. The husband agrees and asks her what she had in mind.
"Well, I was thinking, maybe I can take a long hot bath, then we can watch a romantic movie together, then we can lay in bed and hold each other till the sun comes up."
Aggravated the husband looks at her an says, "That's easy for you to say, you don't have to get up in the morning."

[Lords Gym]

A woman comes home from the doctor's office and tells her husband of 20 years that she only has one night left to live. Crying, she hugs him and asks if for her last night on earth they can do whatever her heart desires. The husband agrees and asks her what she had in mind.
"Well, I was thinking, maybe I can take a long hot bath, then we can watch a romantic movie together, then we can lay in bed and hold each other till the sun comes up."
Aggravated the husband looks at her an says, "That's easy for you to say, you don't have to get up in the morning."

cc #310

[Lords Gym]

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather

Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He goes: "Not in a row!"


I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said. "No. I hate myself now."


I went to my doctor and told him "my penis is burning." He said, "That means somebody is talking about it."



A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

[Lords Gym]

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast."

[Lords Gym]

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

[TheBESTP4P]

A Berkeley, an MIT, and a Chicago professor were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God is sitting on the great white throne. God addresses the Berkeley professor first: "What do you believe in?"

The Berkeley professor replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses the MIT professor: "What do you believe in?"

The MIT professor replies, "Well, I believe technology is the greatest boon to man. We can eliminate disease, poverty, suffering, and make mother Earth a paradise for all to enjoy."

God thinks for a second and says: "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."

God then address the Chicago professor. "What do you believe?"

"I believe you're in my chair."

ahahah CHI-TOWN!

[Lords Gym]

cc

[Lords Gym]

We had a depression fair in the back yard. the major game there was Pin the Blame on the Donkey

This greasy spoon restaurant was so bad, on the menu there were even flies in the pictures.

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea. If this is tea, please bring me some coffee

[Sharla]

You've got so many of these Lords! Keep em coming CC

[Lords Gym]

cc glad you are enjoying ! .. nothing like a good joke to keep things light !

[Lords Gym]

I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks ‘Are you reading that?" I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again



I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy " I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, ‘Okay, you're ugly too!"



Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.



I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough...

[Sovereign]

whats the difference between a train carriage and a mis-carriage?

you can't eat a train carriage.


I felt the tone needed to be lower somewhat.