He's back....THE LEGEND THAT IS Mr CHUCK NORRIS

[smashup]

Remember these classics?


The legend that is Chuck Norris

When the Bogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon.

Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once took sleeping pills. They made him blink.

Chuck Norris violates all the laws of Science, God, Man and Nature in that he is both a pirate and a ninja, simultaneously.

Chuck Norris CAN believe its not butter.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s not lifting himself up, he’s pushing the world down.

Chuck Norris is currently suing MySpace for taking the name which he uses for everything around you.

Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds till.” After you ask, “Two seconds till what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris doesn’t shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

Chuck Norris once shot a plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

Aliens do exist. They’re just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

One day Chuck Norris decided to chew on a lump of coal and when he spat it out, it was a diamond.

Chuck Norris sleeps with his eyes open. That way no-one can creep up on him and surprise him.

Chuck can catch a bullet in his teeth. He learnt how to do this after practicing for seven years.

Chuck Norris’s bite is worse than his bark.

Chuck Norris could hurt a fly. And has, on many occasions.

Chuck Norris’s favourite movie is The Little Mermaid. If you think this is funny, you will be dead soon.

Chuck Norris sets his beard and hair on fire on a weekly basis to keep himself tough and ready for anything.

When Chuck Norris moved house he simply picked up his house and threw it across three states.

Not many people know that Chuck Norris is the man who taught Nelson Mandela how to roundhouse-kick. They remain good friends to this day.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other wise men, jealous of Jesus’ favouritism of Chuck’s gift, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse-kick-related deaths.

The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life there.

As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated team in professional football history.

A handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris’ shoe. Chuck replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Chuck Norris!” The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse kick delivered by Chuck Norris.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: “What is courage?” Chuck Norris received an “A” for writing only the words “Chuck Norris” and promptly turning in the paper.

The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.

Chuck Norris uses all seven letters in Scrabble… Every turn.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We now know this beverage as Red Bull.

[smashup]

Chuck Norris once took sleeping pills. They made him blink.

hahahahahaha