Fantana's Guide to Cars

[Fantana]

Cars are cool because they save you walking anywhere and also because they go really fast and make a lot of noise. There are a lot of different cars available, red ones, blue ones, silver ones and even yellow ones. You get cars that are big with lots of doors and cars which are small and have fewer doors, it all depends on the breed of car. Cars have been around as long as the dinosaur and have evolved from their ancestors, the T-Lizzy. The T-Lizzy was around the size of a cow but looked nothing like a T-Rex so something had to change, luckily they changed a lot. The main purpose of a car is to race things like dogs and horses and feel better about yourself because you are able to go faster than they can. It works with people too, but not other cars.

You may think some cars are faster than others, this is untrue. Cars can only go up to a maximum speed which is indicated by signs on the side of roads. The maximum speed a car can travel is 70 MPH, although my car (The Brickmobile) actually did 71 MPH in my attempt to get into the Guinness Book of World Records for the fastest speed every travelled by a real man, such as myself. It didn’t, they never got back to me, probably thought I was making it up. You may think cars do not need looking after but they do. Every now and then cars will need some water pouring into the mouths which are called ‘Bonnets’, which is the French word for ‘Big Mouth’. They also drink a lot of special liquid called Petrol or Diesel and they need Cod Liver Oil, slang word used is oil, to keep their joints nice and strong.


ESSENTIAL KNOWLEDGE ON CARS

1. To drive a car you need to be able to reach the pedals and be able to see over the steering wheel, AT THE SAME TIME. This was of course a set back because some cars are bigger than others and so the pedals seem further away, but I have a solution for this. Adjust the seat, bring it forward and if that doesn’t work wear bigger shoes, perhaps even bigger than your man-essential Height Enhancement Shoes.
2. If you are a bad driver, or a woman, you will need a driving license and insurance. Women are automatically bad drivers because cars have mirrors in them. Because a bad driver is far more likely to crash then a good driver they need to pass their driving test BEFORE driving around. Luckily driving lessons are available so you might be able to become a good drive before having to pay silly money for the privilege to drive. Papers, please?
3. Some cars can make you look taller than you actually are, so think about getting one of these cars if you are below 5 foot 4, a perfectly reasonable height for any real man, such as myself. If you notice most people who are short have big cars, this is because they are clever. These cars are known as Height Enhancement Cars. Not needed if above 5 foot 8.
4. A lot of ugly people need to have cars are that are expensive and look nice to make up for how ugly they are. The science behind this is that an attractive car must be owned by an attractive person and it will help the aforementioned ugly in his quest to breed. If you see an ugly driving one of these cars then you know why.
5. A car breed of choice for Uglies is a BMW, which stands for Black Mans Willy. It may not be just ugliness that is stopping them from breeding, they may not be fully developed in certain ways, if you catch my drift. The subliminal message here deployed by the Ugly is to say A) I am attractive as I have an attractive car and B) My willy is as big as a black mans and they are always big. You will notice black people never have BMWs, this is because they wouldn’t be able to drive anywhere without being pulled over by the police.
6. Cars are a great way to talk to women who you think may just ignore you. Drive up to the women and wind down the window, if they ignore you, beep the horn. If they still ignore you trap them down an alleyway using the car as a block, then talk to them. Works everytime.
7. If you are scared your car might be stolen, use an Anti-Theft System (ATS). My ATS consists of lots of mud, beer bottles, sweet wrappers and pizza boxes left on the seat and floor of the car. Also a broken wing mirror, scratches and lack of wheel trims seems to help.
8. Get to know your car and name him or her. Batman had the Bat Mobile, Michael Knight had KIIT and Dick Dastardly had The Mean Machine. My car is named the BrickMobile because of my bestest friend, Brickadius Murphy. Sometimes when he is drunk he is sick in the car, but it is ok, cars have a very strong immune system and don’t get ill because someone throws up in them.
9. Horses have saddles, cars have seats. Santa’s reindeers have reigns, cars have steering wheels and pedals. Dogs have leads to tie them up to a tree so they don’t run away, cars have hand breaks. This is basic car anatomy.
10. At night time when you are driving you will need to use the cars night vision also known as head lights. Each car is different but one thing remains, if the car is having a man-nap and you leave its lights on they will be harder to wake up, even if you punch their Bonnets. I have done this a couple of times and had to call out the car emergency services and they had to open up the cars mouth and attach things to my car to get it working again, it looked a lot like a drip hospitals use on human.

FINAL THOUGHTS

A car doesn’t have to burden you for life, you can ignore them for as long as you want and they don’t pester you if lock them away without food, water or light. This is why I recommend getting a car as a pet over a dog, cat or bunny rabbit. There are car experts across the world that specialize in different breeds of cars so if you need more help ask them and don’t pester me with questions about a carburettor. I really like Land Rovers because they don’t die when you run them into things, they are the pitbull of the car world but get this, they can kill pitbulls if you run them over just right. You will probably love your car that much you will come to depend on it and will use it whenever possible. This is good for the car and it will help you bond and have a much more fulfilling friendship. Remember no trip is too long or to short, you can use your car to go on holiday or to go to see your girlfriend’s parents with her who live within walking distance. This will save you time which can be used to do constructive things like man-nap and playing. Happy motoring.

Yours in manliness,
Fantana

[PRIDE OF BOSTON]

For the love of all that is Holy........................

[CutMeMick]

Fucken brilliant.

[donnydarkoIRL]

Very imaginative