Any good jokes ????

[Master]

Met the bloke who invented crosswords today. Can’t remember his name, but its P something T something R.

“I want to make a complaint”, I told the woman our supermarket. “this vinegar has got lumps in it”. “Those are pickled onions, sir” she replied.

Cowboy walks into a German car showroom and shouts “Audi”.

Asked the waiter for something herby. He gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Phone rang, so I picked it up and asked “Who’s speaking?” Voice on the other end replied “You are.”

[Master]

Does time fly when you are having sex or was it really just one minute?

What do you give a sick florist?

If tomatoes are a fruit isn't ketchup a smoothie?

I have CDO. It is like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order as they should be.

[Master]

If you love someone set them free" Unless you're a prison officer dating an inmate

[Master]

Man goes into bar and orders 20 pints of larger and drinks them as quick as the barman is pouring them.

Barman says "blimey, you are drinking them a bit quick"

Man said "So would you if you had what I had".

Barman say "what is that then?"

Man says "50p"

[Master]

A disgruntled man was pulled over by a police officer for speeding and given a ticket.

Man said "would I get another ticket if I said you were a jerk?"

Officer said "yes"

Man said "What if I thought you were a jerk?"

Officer said "I can't give you a ticket for what you think"

Man said fine "I think you are a jerk".

[Master]

What is the difference between Abu Dhabi and Dubai?

People from Dubai don't like the Flintstones but ABU DHABI DOOOO.

[Master]

I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

Electric eels are much louder than acoustic eels.

What were electric eels called before electricity was discovered?

A lorry laden with vicks vapour rub has spilled its load on the motorway. Police say there will be no congestion for at least 8 hours.

[Master]

Disappointed with the travel insurance for my forthcoming camping holiday. Apparently if the tent is stolen, I am not covered.

Let me drink about it and get back to you.

I can cut a plank of wood by just looking at it. Seriously, I saw it with my own eyes.

If I discovered a new animal I’d call it a Quorn just to really wrong foot vegetarian’s.

[vidgil]

What does Bill Clinton tell Hillary after sex?


































I'll be home in 10 minutes

[Master]

A friend told me I was delusional.
I almost fell off my unicorn.

[Boxing24]

kick your ass

[Master]

kick your ass

Are you the new PK?

[vidgil]

I'm really worried the Trump administration is going to deport my Mexican mother-in-law, who lives at 435 Oak Street and gets off work at 6.

[Alpha]

Why did the banker leave his Job?

Because he lost interest.

[brocktonblockbust]

A man said "I want to slip".

His friend said OK and pushed him.

He fell to the ground saying "WTF ARE YOU DOING?"

His friend said "you said "slip" '

So he said "no, I said "sleep" '

so his friend said "OK, sweet dreams then" and pushed him again and knocked him out