Well, I'm just sitting there, enjoying my sweeties. My Mum gave me a pound and I was able to get 6 packets of double dips with it, I love them, in a non-gay way.
Anyway, she popped out. Im sitting there, watching SuperTed VHS tapes, great, great show, and I hear this knocking at the door. I figured my Mum had locked herself out of the house again.
"I'm coming now Mummy" I said, in a manly voice. Which I have.
I rush downstairs and open the door. NO ONE FUCKING THERE!
It was a real trip. I definately heard knocking. So I creep around outside in just my man socks, pants and pajama top, and guess what? It was cold and I rushed back inside. Because no one was there, obviously.
So I lock the door, and think to myself, wow, I want to watch more SuperTed on VHS. Great, great show. Love it.
Anyway, again, I use anyway. Well, I go upstairs, and I am about to sit down in my favourite man seat. Just as put my pert arse down towards the cushion, which is in the shape of a heart, true, I hear this little voice.
"NOOOOO! DONT CRUSH ME!"
I spin round and look at the chair, then I lept back. THERE WAS A HUGE SPIDER ON THE CHAIR! His name is Gary.
It must have knocked on the door, crept in when it had seen me go outside, and decided to watch SuperTed and attack my sweets.
Noticing half the packet of Double Dip had been savaged, I got angry. Instead of using the stick which comes with double dips Gary was licking all eight of his legs and putting them in the goods, no pun intended, before licking off the sugary delight. "You're gonna have seven legs when I finish with you Gary!" I took one of my man socks off and went to hit Gary with it.
Gary jumped off the chair, ran across the rug and actually did some humping movements proclaiming "IM FUCKING YOUR RUG, YOU SHIT!" Then he went through the doorway into the hall, BUT, there is a tiny little step there. Stupid Gary, he fell flat onto his face and grimmaced in pain. I decided to get a wine glass which was just conveniently sitting next to my chair, and I put it over the top of him. Then I slid some paper under his legs, cursed him, and took him outside. Then I put him on the floor and prayed a bird would come and eat him.
Heres a picture, in case you think I'm drunk or something
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