Thanks: 
Likes: 
Dislikes: 
Fantana's Short Encyclopedia of Boxing
Fantana’s Short Encyclopedia of Boxing
Aside from Shirts off Showdowns there is only one other method to settle a dispute in a manly fashion and it’s not creating a big distance between yourself and your debater before slewing them with a barrage of insults, it’s boxing. Boxing is a sport where two men will lace up leather gloves and strike each other in the face, body and balls, in a non-gay way. The French of course have their own version of boxing where the disputers will remove their gloves then hit each other across the cheek with the gloves before raising their frog noses and walking away. Unless you are French or a Galien you cannot participate in such events, ever.
The history of boxing
Boxing was invented in Bury, England by Queen Victoria back in the stone ages. Hence it was given the name “Queensbury rules”. It started off as a game of play between cups of tea where opponents would man-slap each other’s faces and perhaps tickle each other. Queen Victoria loved to play but since she had her funny bone removed in the summer of 1899 she despised tickling and so she declared that under the Queensbury Rules gloves must be worn to ensure tickling was not allowed. Ricky Hatton, the lightweight fighter and world champion from Manchester, often says “This is not a tickling competition”, just so folks don’t get confused and end up disappointed.
Because the gloves made the participants hands clenched up the man-slap was outlawed and instead the man-strike was invented and later called a “punch”. With the rising popularity of punching boxing became a competitive sport where competitors could earn money, horses and Guinness. The main objective of professional boxing, as with anything else in life, is to make as much money as you possibly can without getting damaged in any shape form. In modern day boxing the man-slap is allowed and is useful tool in a “fighters” arsenal. Professional boxers such as Joe Calzaghe, the unbeaten world champion from Wales, have used the man-slap to actually knock people out. Other fighters such as Wladimir Klitschko, the current world heavyweight champion, use the man-slap to push other opponents gloves out of the way before man-punching them in the face.
The rules of boxing
The only universal rules in professional boxing are as follows:-
a)No kicking
Contrary to popular belief biting, elbowing, wrestling, head butting and name calling are allowed, although frowned upon, and some referees will not allow it. In modern day heavyweight boxing there is a code of conduct, although not written in stone, where participants only throw one or two punches per round to ensure no one dies from a heart attack.
Weight Divisions
Back in the olden days there were just three weight divisions in boxing, lightweight, middleweight and heavyweight. Today there are one hundred and six weight divisions in professional boxing from crumb weight up to heavyweight. The heavyweight division is generally reserved for obese old men who eat too much and cannot keep their weight below two hundred pounds. An example of this is James Toney, a future hall of famer, who is a fat lazy fuck. Once in a while the heavyweight division has some decent participants but the real action is below 200 pounds where the guys take their shirts off to reveal a glimmering muscular body primed for a Shirts off Showdown.
The universally recognized pound for pound champion is Floyd Mayweather who has competeted in fourteen weight divisions. He is a professional dancer from a TV show who decided he could dance his way to many titles in boxing and he did. He is an interesting character who turned to wrestling and started dating WWE star, Paul “The Big Show” White and they were both deeply in love with each other. When “The Big Show” got down on one knee to propose to Floyd in the middle of the ring Floyd Mayweather repeated man-punched Paul White and broke his nose.
They no longer talk.
Training for boxing
Boxing training is intense and can involve multiple miles of running and having to do ten or more sit ups, in one go. Perhaps the most liked training regime of any boxer, ever, was Henry Armstrong, who used to drink many, many pints of beer to make weight for his scheduled bouts. You can often see guys imitating his intense regime on a Friday and Saturday night down the pubs across the UK as they consume beer and then go outside for a punch up with the winner being allowed to punch and stamp on his fallen foe and given an STD off his choice.
Risks versus Rewards in boxing
Boxing is dangerous and can result in participants getting nosebleeds, not from picking, and hence it is wise to take you Mum with you to any boxing contest you get in so she can smack the other guys legs. If you are rubbish at boxing you may also end up looking like Peter Manfredo. The other risks involved with boxing are brain damage, death and Andrew Golota.
There is a high amount to be gained from boxing if you happen to be awesome at it including fame and fortune. Oscar De La Hoya, a cross dresser, was able to make forty million dollars by competing against Floyd Mayweather in the biggest pay per view event in boxing history. Oscar came into the ring wearing a wig and high heels which generated a lot of publicity. He lost a split decision and claimed the high heels made his feet ache and his hand bag, a racy glittery number from New Look, made his arms weary after six rounds.
Boxing as a way of life
Boxing has saved many young men’s lives from poverty, drugs and shit jobs. Bernard Hopkins, the current light heavyweight champion of the world, took up boxing whilst in prison for a string of crimes on the tough streets of Philadelphia. This is not an isolated case, although whether or not other all time great fighters have ever complained that their feet are too cold while filming a commercial for an up and coming bout is. Some may say it was a metaphor that B-hop was getting cold feet about fighting Calzaghe, others just laugh and say ‘’WHAT THE FUCK?’’
Perhaps the greatest rags to riches story is of Rocky Balboa who recently fought at the ripe old age of eighty against Antonio Tarver, ‘The Magic Man’. Balboa is considered one of the greatest heavyweight champions of all time, right up there with Ali, Foremen and Audley Harrison. Balboa’s combination of strength, iron chin and plastic surgery kept him active for thirty years. He would have vacations in the jungle and shoot people, which kept him fresh.
Boxing Fans
Boxing has a loyal fan base, mostly of middle aged beer drinkers who are often tougher than the guys they watch on TV. Thanks to the rise of the internet, courtesy of Al ‘Make shit up about polar bears’ Gore, boxing has accumulated a wealth of websites which can give fresh faced fans access to mountains of information and video footage and a chance to join in on boxing debates on boxing forums. However they may be immediately put off from boxing, for life, when they read a post from a fanboy or an American who thinks Europe is a country and the first Holyfield – Lewis fight WAS a draw. In general though these posters are few and far between and are one of two things, a troll or Evander Holyfield.
Final Thoughts
2007 was a great year for boxing and the future looks good for what was once the toughest sport in the universe, it’s now go-cart racing if you were wondering. Great fighters are talked about for years and become immortal in the history books and today’s crop of talent, the ring card girls, have got really big boobies and continue to wear skimpier outfits with each passing round. I myself thought befriending a ring card girl would be a great way to find out where girls pee from so I took up boxing. I was very relaxed in the ring, no pun intended, so relaxed in fact I used to just lie down and fall asleep, although this is also known as being ‘KTFO’, which isn’t a good thing. It isn’t often boxing fans get to see a living legend, but thanks to two time heavyweight champion John Ruiz, boxing fans have been able to enjoy his contests take him to the title not once but twice and with his latest performance perhaps another title shot is on the cards for ‘The Quiet Man’, which would be a great way for 2008 to further enhance boxing’s profile and reach new fans.
Yours in manliness,
Fantana
 |
|
Reply With Quote
Originally Posted by Pacstraightleft
Bookmarks