Dilema.....a bit of real life for a change

[Memphis]

Ok as a couple of you already know yer man Memphis has had a new love in his life for the past few months. Everythings going great and its only a matter of time before me and my boys bid farewell to good ol'Bristol and we all live together (she has a little boy) in Newbury where they currently are.

Until we do make the move I have a problem. The boys father is a right wanker, he's knocked mrs Memphis about in the past which of course makes my blood boil and want to stamp on his face. He never bothers with the boy but just recently has crawled out from underneath some rock somewhere and wants to see him this Sunday, we will be there at the time. Whilst we are there Im fine, if anything happens I'll be there to deal with it, its when we have to come home that bothers me. He doesnt know about me or the boys and in an attempt to not rock the boat Mrs Memphis has suggested that if asked she will say that we are just friends. I understand why she would want to do it but I dont like it one bit, no one should feel that affraid that they have to lie to someone they havent had a relationship with for five years (actually just writing this its clear that that wont fly will it? a man and his three kids in her house early in the morning, how dense you going to have to be to not put two and two together?)

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. On one hand I go along with the 'just friends' line and feel bad a bout it, or the cards are laid on the table and we deal with whatever fall out there is if any. Mrs Memphis has tried to play it down and says nothing will happen but going back some time he tried intimidating a bloke she was seing for a while, on that occasion it worked as he was a bit of a drip but I just couldnt allow that to happen and I think that would only make things worse, he can take a swing at me anytime he likes but sooner or later we have to leave and what happens then? Especially if I flatten the cunt.

Im not sure what we'll do at the minute to be honest, whatever keeps the peace I suppose. Im not asking for any answers from you guys, just wanted to share something with my saddo family.

Of course if anyones been through something like this let me know how things worked out.

[donnydarkoIRL]

Hey memphis,
Dude you gotta be careful with how u handle this. Now ur talking to hothead no.1 extraordinaire here so trust me on this, u cannot mash him! If ur lady has been hurt before, physically or mentally u gotta consider the reprecussions it could have on HER.
She's in a relationship with you, ur happy she's happy, all loved up and smilies all round. Then her ex who shes afraid of turns up and gets lumped by her new nice guy....This WILL change her view of you. Theres no guarantee that from that point on she will suspect you of violent tendencies and indeed be afraid of YOU. Not to mention what it could do to your kids and her kid to see u whoop some other guy. You think he'll ever want the man who whooped his daddy caring for him?

Dude i reckon you gotta be the bigger man the overcomer, rise above the situation n b a pillar of strength for your girl, dont clash with her on the subject, your together on this. The best way to help her through this is to understand, be united n let her no he'll never be able to hurt her again.

I no that red hot feelin u get when u wanna hurt another man badly, when u dont jus wanna beat them up, u wanna maim them n make them feel pain worse than they could ever inflict,but why? You got what he obviously is missing, you no theres no physical pain can irk ya that much.

[Memphis]

Cheers Donny

Im not spoiling for a fight with this clown dont get me wrong, but my gut instinct tells me that he is going to be a royal pain in the arse once he knows whats what. The only real concern is that he is a cowardly fucker and I cant be there for the bulk of the week y'know?

[Dizaster]

I fortunatly havn't been through that situation, although I had a little similarity with my girlfriend still having trouble with ex's.

I suppose it's hard to draw any comparison's between mine and your situation, but I can offer my opinion based on my experience... Their was one guy that kept calling my girlfriend up when I had just started seeing her. He was a right asshole as well, and just the thought of someone like that truely does make your blood boil.... Don't feel bad about that part though, it's completely human.... Our evolution has built up a million ' angry ' chemicals, that pump through every inch of our body at the very thought of another man messing with the livelyhood of the one we've chosen to protect (your Mrs Memphis). Those chemicals definetly helped us a few thousand years ago,,,,, when a challenge between 2 men over a woman probably meant a dual to the death,, literally.. So the feelings are naturally pretty freakin intense!! Sometimes they even feel like life or death... Their were times when my girlfriend would tell me stories of what her ex used to be like and how he treated her, and i'd literally stand up to look for my keys, to drive to his house, to baseball bat him until he died... But i'm positive that wouldn't have helped... In this day and age anyway .. In my younger days I would take my ego and run with it, and ended up getting into a few scuffles with guys i'd known for a matter of 1 second, but that i'd heard had messed with my girlfriend.... All it's taught me though is keeping a level head and staying logical is the only way to go... Which obviously you are doing by posting on here... Then you can try to semi-detach yourself from the situation and really think about what's going to be best.. Best for the kids, best for the future, best for the time he's around, best for Mrs Memphis, best for you, best for everyone, including that turd eater that's insisting on making your life hard....
Even taking out a bit of paper and just writing down your thoughts and plus' and minus' of different actions you can take is going to let you look at it a bit more methodically and keep emotions out of it at least a little... I know it would be next to impossible not to have emotions about it,,,, but looking at it as logically as possible now,,, could hopefully prevent having to go through a TONNE of shitty emotions later on, when no one has any control over what's happening.....

That's my only real suggestion, as unhelpful as it may be.

Although I don't know to much about the specifics, I can understand why your Mrs may still be a little intimidated by her ex... It may not be in the same way she was intimidated by him in the past,,,, but as he is coming around to visit the young ones, i'm sure she's aware just as much as you, that he is in a position now where he can really cause a bunch of people a LOT of heartache and a lot of crappy feelings if he decided to be a total a$$. That would be an intimidating feeling for the mother of a few children... So you can understand why the little things she DOES have control of in this situation, she wants to keep them as neutral as possible so as not to make the situation worse, or put it in a position where she doesn't have as much control.... But i'll leave it up to you what you think will be best with this situation... I don't think it would hurt that much though if it's just left to him to work out the situation between you and the mrs,,,, but yeah, you guys are in the best position to assess that.

My final suggestion, and this is something I have learnt time and time again with people, is that moods and tensions have a huge ability to project out from one person and spread to everyone else without any trouble at all....... Like e.g. If a guy wants to pick up a chick and walks up and talks to her nervously, she will feel nervous along with him. His nervousness will project onto everyone around him. If a confident guy came up and has the confidence for the both of them, she will feel comfortable with him......
What i'm getting at is, when the time comes when you actually have to sit in the same room as this guy, you may have a million intense emotions going on, but if you let them get the better of you, and you starting getting angry and uncomfortable and start to feel out of control, they'll quickly transfer onto everyone in the room without you saying or doing a thing,,, and the situation really will start to turn crap...... If you can really work hard to staying relaxed and comfortable and confident,,, and just project for yourself that you are relaxed and in control and taking it all in your stride, you could do a LOT worse than projecting that sort of comfort on to everyone else..... This may be one of the most important things you can do for EVERYONE, and technically YOU can control the entire situation just by staying this confident relaxed person..... When the guy had a scuffle with the last person your mrs was seeing, it may have been because tension just sparked off the instant they met, because,, wellll, they probably both were worked up and it was just inevitable that shit was going to start between them....

People on here know you're a sort of person that doesn't take shit... And you should know that you don't need to prove anything to anyone... So just relax, and you'll OWN the situation...
(darn I feel like freaking Anthony Robbins.... Someone slap me)


Anyway, i've rambled on long enough.. Hope all that is readable... I'll post back again if you want any more feedback or help...
It's a crappy situation, but respect for sticking by your girl and being mature enough to want to do the best thing for everyone... Lesser people would be planning a way to kick his ass before he's turned his car off in the driveway... Which would help no one...
CC for good luck!

[donnydarkoIRL]

U shud be alri, let him be a pain in the ass, who cares about him? And if he does indeed confront your partner after uv left, u jus gotta be understanding and sympathetic, no matter how tempted u are to drive by his house, tear him from his bed, tie him to a tree and introduce a hot iron to his more sensitive areas.

Memphis ur a voice of reason on this forum, u dont even need advice u can work this easily.

[Howlin Mad Missy]

why would she want any contact with him? I understand she has a lad with him but y'know court order or something for him being a violent wanker?

I can understand not wanting to rock the boat but it could also spell that he still has some control over your mrs.
If it looks like getting naughty call the police, it would feel better to flatten him & it may work or it may land you in the dock.

[Canvasback]

As a former cop I agree with Missy. If things get out of hand let the cops handle it. As much as you want to punch the guy out you could end up with worse problems if you assault him. You may not have any problem though as most guys who abuse females are spineless pieces of sh*t when it comes to facing another man.

[smashup]

You need to take him aside mate,just the two of you (Not With Kids about) maybe see if he fancies a pint and just tell him the score mate the sooner the better imo.
He deffo has her shit scared of him still so he's still a danger to her mate.
Just get him on his own and tell him.

[X]

Hey memphis,
Dude you gotta be careful with how u handle this. Now ur talking to hothead no.1 extraordinaire here so trust me on this, u cannot mash him! If ur lady has been hurt before, physically or mentally u gotta consider the reprecussions it could have on HER.

This is truly excellent advice ....... if she used to get knocked around by this guy, what will she think if you begin to knock him around ...... 'Ohno, not another one'.

Listen to your uncle hitmandonny on this one.

[donnydarkoIRL]

Thanks X,
HaHa ya, "sensible," Donny.

[Memphis]

Cheers for your feedback guys. Im sure some of you think Im hell bent on scattering the cunts railings all over the pavement at first sight but thats not the case, even though he deserves a taste of his own medicine. I dont start fights, finished a few mind He's a scumbag who doesnt really deserve the time of day as far as Im concerned but what can you do? Mrs Memphis is confident there wont be any bother so I trust her judgement on it, theres only something to worry about when theres something to worry about.


By the way Smash you disapointed me. As soon as I read "you should take him aside" I was fully expecting "and then set about him with a lump hammer" to follow

[taansend]

Whatever happens, mate, best of luck.

Where's Newbury

[boozeboxer]

I would suggest watching a documentary before you meet him about great people that have had calm collected wits and strength to overcome massive obstacles so your situation will seem petty.....like one about Winston Churchill or the new Zab Judah one that is coming out.

[CutMeMick]

Memphis,
Best of luck with that mate we can all give you advice but the final choice is yours. You gotta talk to yourself and figure out what you wanna do. Think and think hard you might already know the answer you just dont wanna admit to it.


Cheers mate.

[X]

Where's Newbury

I went down there years ago to protest alongside Swampy .... but it took me so long to get there that I thought they really needed a new bypass