My dog only responds to commands in Spanish. He’s an Espanyol.
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My dog only responds to commands in Spanish. He’s an Espanyol.
Omg master must have bought a book of corny jokes.
Finally justice for HarambeQuote:
Originally Posted by Xwetie
Here's a good one...............Ruthless Rocco!
My cat's recovering from a massive stroke.
Jesus fed 5,000 people with 2 fishes and a loaf of bread. That is not a miracle. That's tapas.
A study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
I've just written a song about tortillas. Actually, it's more of a rap.
Holy SHIT, bro! Good one! :-)Quote:
Originally Posted by Gandalf
The remain campaign .
Canelo.
They say Iceland is a place to make good savings.
Shame they did not tell that to Joe Hart.
Hey Europe! You look great, have you lost a few pounds?
Met the bloke who invented crosswords today. Can’t remember his name, but its P something T something R.
“I want to make a complaint”, I told the woman our supermarket. “this vinegar has got lumps in it”. “Those are pickled onions, sir” she replied.
Cowboy walks into a German car showroom and shouts “Audi”.
Asked the waiter for something herby. He gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
Phone rang, so I picked it up and asked “Who’s speaking?” Voice on the other end replied “You are.”
Does time fly when you are having sex or was it really just one minute?
What do you give a sick florist?
If tomatoes are a fruit isn't ketchup a smoothie?
I have CDO. It is like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order as they should be.
If you love someone set them free" Unless you're a prison officer dating an inmate
Man goes into bar and orders 20 pints of larger and drinks them as quick as the barman is pouring them.
Barman says "blimey, you are drinking them a bit quick"
Man said "So would you if you had what I had".
Barman say "what is that then?"
Man says "50p"
A disgruntled man was pulled over by a police officer for speeding and given a ticket.
Man said "would I get another ticket if I said you were a jerk?"
Officer said "yes"
Man said "What if I thought you were a jerk?"
Officer said "I can't give you a ticket for what you think"
Man said fine "I think you are a jerk".
What is the difference between Abu Dhabi and Dubai?
People from Dubai don't like the Flintstones but ABU DHABI DOOOO.
Vincent Van Gogh is spotted in a bar by his mate who says to him "do you want a beer?"
Van Gogh replies "No thanks, I've got one ere"
Sorry I am late I missed the number 14 bus so had to catch two sevens.
One legged woman went into a shoe shop and bought a flip.
I went swimming the other day and got shouted at for peeing in the pool. In fact, they shouted so loud I nearly fell in.
The girlfriend texted me "helpmyspacebarisbrokencanyoucomeoverandgivemeanal ternative"
Anyone know what "ternative" means?
So I had just ran a bath and then I start tugging off my boxers when I thought to myself ...
"I dont half spoil these dogs"
Do you have a magic coffee table?
https://youtu.be/O1_QTm-wpsY
I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Electric eels are much louder than acoustic eels.
What were electric eels called before electricity was discovered?
A lorry laden with vicks vapour rub has spilled its load on the motorway. Police say there will be no congestion for at least 8 hours.
Disappointed with the travel insurance for my forthcoming camping holiday. Apparently if the tent is stolen, I am not covered. :mad:
Let me drink about it and get back to you. :)
I can cut a plank of wood by just looking at it. Seriously, I saw it with my own eyes. :D
If I discovered a new animal I’d call it a Quorn just to really wrong foot vegetarian’s. ;D
What does Bill Clinton tell Hillary after sex?
I'll be home in 10 minutes ;D
A friend told me I was delusional.
I almost fell off my unicorn.
We called our granddad Spiderman, not because he was a super hero but because he struggled to get out of the bath.
Just failed my chair exam. I am going to have to re-sit.
If women are so great at multi-tasking why can't they have sex and headache at the same time.
Just been bitten by a German Shepard, but he apologised and even let me stroke his dog.
My wife has just informed me sex is better on holiday. I found that a very hurtful postcard.
I can not get to the bottom of streaking. :moon-new:
A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.
“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”
The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.”
“What did you do?” asked the man of the rabbi.
“I turned to God for the answer,” replied the rabbi.
“What did he say?” asked the man.
He said, “Funny you should come to me...”
This Jewish guy goes to board a bus and asked the driver for one senior discount ticket. The driver, seeing the Jewish guy is around forty says sorry sir you need to be over 62 for the senior discount. The argument goes on for several minutes with the Forty year old Jewish man demanding the senior discount and the bus driver refusing. Finally the driver gets so mad he stands up, grabs the Jewish guys duffle bag and tosses it off the bus onto the street. The Jewish guys starts yelling at him oh snap just cause I don't want to pay the full fare doesn't mean you have to kill my son.
Just met a microbiologist. He was a lot bigger than I imagined.
How many conspiracy theorist does it take to change a light bulb? We'll probably never know the truth.
I hope that in 2017 scientist find a cure for natural causes.
Still waiting for the wife to tell me what my new year resolutions are.
to those that suffer a skin condition a belated merry eczemas. :)
Miss Whiplash was not what I expected. She arrived in a neck brace and with her solicitor. :(
If I was being subjective, I'd say my favourite rock band is the Who. If I was being objective, I'd say it was the Whom.
You think you're until you are asked to choose a "user name".
Told the shop manager water keeps leaking out of my new bath. He said I needed a plug. The swine never told me it was electric. :mad:
Got an email saying "at Google Earth we can read maps backwards". Surely, that's spam? ;D
I woke up from a bad dream last night. My heart was pounding and I was sweating bullets. I rolled over and told my wife "Honey, I'm really tense right now, and the only thing that could calm me down is a blowjob".
She says "where are you gonna find a guy to blow at this time of the night?"
Just got a job making rubber computer keyboards. The shifts are flexible.
Just written a book on how to cut onions. Read it and weep.
Threw Domestos over our vicar yesterday. I've been charged with a bleach of the priest.
Ok this ones from Conan:
I used to have this German girlfriend and she used to grade me on my sexual performances from 1 to 10. So one night I decided to try anal and I think I'm doing awesome as she keeps screaming out Nein, Nein, Nein.
Almost got away with a speeding ticket by telling the WPC that she was stunning and looked beautiful. Ruined it by adding "and that is not the drink talking".
When I die I want the word "Humble" etched on my gold plated statue.
2 lions are walking along the Blackpool Pier. One says to the other one "Quiet for a bank holiday Monday isn't it?"
Quick way to lose weight. Subtract your birth weight because you haven't gained that bit.
What's big and grey with horns? An elephant brass band.
Kellyanne Conway
no, really............... that's the whole joke
So, this bloke and a giraffe walk into bar, drunk. The giraffe falls asleep on the floor.
The barman looks over, "What's that lying there in the floor?"
Fella replies, "that's not a lion, it's a giraffe"
My wife up and left me for being too insecure.
Oh wait never mind she's back, just went out for a coffee.