Any good jokes ????

[roberto duran legend]

NEWS JUST IN


''Carol Thatcher has just been hit with the bedroom tax".

[Master]

NEWS JUST IN


''Carol Thatcher has just been hit with the bedroom tax".

Saddo will nick that one too and make out it is his own on another thread.

[Stickgrappler]

"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

"Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked.

"Uh, no," he said.

She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 40,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," he said, now really intrigued…

"Well, go look in the garage..."

[Stickgrappler]

One friend said to the other, “What is a dilemma, actually?”

He replied, “Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that. Imagine that you are laying in a big bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side and a gay man on the other."

"Who are you going to turn your back on?"

[Stickgrappler]

From: eclark0433@bellsouth.net
Date: 2/14/2013


Deer Sur,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job I seen in the paper. I can type real kwik wit one finggar and do sum Acounting 2.

I think I am good on the fone and I am a pepole person. Pepole really seam to respond good to me.

Im lookin for a jobb as a secritary but it kant be 2 complikaited

My spelling is not 2 good but find that I awfin get a job Bcuz of my persinalety.


My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am wurth.

I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse 4 yore anser.

Hopifuly I M Yore best aplicant so phar.


Sinseerly,

Peggy May McBiggins

PS : I half includeded a pickture of me B low.



Employer's response

Peggy May:

You can start Monday, we have spell check.

[Julius Rain]

What did Julius Rain say to Missy when he ran into her at a club?

























"wanna go half on a bastard"?

[Stickgrappler]

Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty.

Boudreaux's first assignment was in a military induction center.

Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30.00 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge.

The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.

Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you have the normal GI insurance an' you goes to Afghanistan and ya gets killed, da govment' pays your benefishery $20,000.

If you takes out da supplamental insurance, which cost you only thirty dollars a month, then the government gots to pay your benefishery $400,000!

"Now," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you think they gonna send to Afghanistan first?

[Stickgrappler]

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.
You must abstain from sex for an entire month."

The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church.

When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife
was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed.

"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the
pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex
for the required month," the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.


"Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through
sheer will power. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer,
we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable.

We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, anything to keep our
minds free of carnal thoughts.

But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.

When she bent over to pick it up, I noticed that she didn't have panties on
and I was overcome with lust and I had my way with her, right then and
there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.


"You understand this means you will not be welcome into our church," stated
the pastor.


"We know," said the young man, hanging his head.






"We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore, either

[Master]

Wales is my favourite place in England.

[Stickgrappler]

Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding. During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.

"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder."

Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.

Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy! He served in the Navy: once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!

[Andre]

Hahaha never thought of a Rear Admiral like that before, hahhaha

How can tell who is the head nurse in a hospital?
she the one with scuff marks on her knees.

[roberto duran legend]

Paddy in court and after a 8 hour trial he pleads guilty, judge says " Why didnt you plead guilty at
first and save the court all this time". Paddy says " I thought i was innocent until i heard the evidence.

[Stickgrappler]

[Master]

All Ken Barlow did was take a 12 year old escort to Kevin Webster’s garage for a touch up....

I feel sick now.

[roberto duran legend]

The worst letter i ever wrote..........
" Dear Jim,please can you fix it for me to go on its a knockout"....